View Full Version : I'm @ss kickin' MAD!!! at step-daughters mom.

02-03-2003, 10:46 PM
I could just scream!!!! :x Any one here a step-parent? Maybe someone can calm me down cause I'm really pissed at my step-daughters mom regarding hair. My 8 yo step-daughter has had a very bad scalp problem that's been going on for at least a year. It looks like really bad cradle cap with sores and scabs. At first I was angry that this woman was still perming her hair that was 2 or three months ago...then I was angry that here hair was braided very tightly and you would not believe the gross stuff that was caked up at the base of her braids, but that was last month. But now this #$#^@ has taken the cake. She sent her over this past weekend with the front braided in some decorative cornrows (looks like it was done weeks ago and the rest was some sparsely placed weaved...GLUED TO HER HEAD!!! :mad:

:shock: HELLO!!! Am I the only one who sees a problem HERE!!

Hubby works alot so I always deal with her hair when she comes over. Last time she was over I pointed out the problem to him asked him to talk to his ex about it. She told him that she had been to the doctor and had medication for but forgot to send it over. I have yet to see any medication.

I wanted to to take all that stuff out of her hair right away but she said that she would get in trouble if I took her hair down so I respected her mothers wishes. But I am quickly running out of respect for this woman.

And I'm putting my foot down...and it's going to be in my hubby's @ss if this continues. I'm going to tell him that this is going to be the last weekend I will quietly sit by. I don't want to deal with his ex because it isn't my place... it's his. But because it's a child involved I'm going to let him know that if he doesn't find out what is going on I'm going to call her myself and have a woman to woman conversation.

I care for this little girl and I almost don't believe that she's seen a doctor like her mother says. I want to be respectful but I also don't want her to suffer permanant scalp damage.

Thanks for letting me rant. But I'm sure any of you with children can understand why this upsets me so much. :mad:

02-03-2003, 11:29 PM
Man oh man! Glued in weave?!? :mad: That's ridiculous ESPECIALLY knowning the child has a scalp condition.

But the sad part about it is, although dad has a say in the matter, she probably doesn't give him MUCH say since she is the mother and the one who has her most of the time (correct?)

She probably won't listen to him or follow his wishes unless he takes some sort of legal action. I'm no lawyer by any means, but If I were you and her dad, I would start taking photos of her scalp and the types of hairstyles she has been having done so if it does come down to that (custody battle) then you'll have some documentation.

I feel so sad for your step-daughter :cry:

02-03-2003, 11:57 PM
Wendy I commend you on the way you are handling the situation.

02-04-2003, 06:15 PM
She needs her butt kicked, you go wendy

Medusa Negrita
02-06-2003, 10:38 AM
May I ask, is this custody on paper? Or is it a tacit agreement between you, your hus, and the other moms?

If it's on paper, I think you and father can take it upon yourselves to take the child to the doc. I believe it's part your legal right as parents since you have partial custody. You don't have to wait for the moms to do everything.

I think if it were me, I wouldn't bother the child's hair. I'd want to take her to the doctor myself, but I'd talk to my husband first and get his permiss (assuming he'd say yes). Once that done, I'd probably talk to the moms and tell her about the probs her scalp was having and if I may redo the hair and add the oitment or whatever.

Fathers don't too much know a dam thing about hair. You and the moms may have to talk to each other about caring for the girls hair, and let her know that you would like to help also. Yeah, the moms might think "you think I don't know how to take care of my own child?" but that the chance you take. To me it's all about the girl so I'd be willing to forgo that and talk to the moms about probs of the girls scalp and hair seeing if you can redo it.

02-06-2003, 12:16 PM
I've been in a similar situ., but not as bad :(

I agree w/medusa, I'd get permiss. from the dad, then talk w/the mom, let her know what you're thinking-and I'd be frank w/her, let her know you are concerned about the girl! Maybe then she'll be honest about the dr. and all. Or maybe she'll step back and let you handle it if she doesn't know how (and believe me, some of us don't have a clue when it comes to issues like this scalp prob., weave, glue, etc :? )

The one thing I'd say NOT to do is go over the mom's head. It will prob. only make her mad (even if it is best for the child.) So, talk first, if no action is taken by the mom then take action!!! As long as it's in the child's best interest!!!


02-12-2003, 06:59 AM
Step parent here<waving>

Talk to your hubby, ask him if it's ok to take your daughter to a dermatologist. Honestly, I wouldn't deal with her until you find out what the dermatologist says because she's already figured out that this is getting under your skin, she already prepped her daughter to let you know that she would "get in trouble" if you messed with her hair, you feel me? Yours and hubby's main concern is for the daughter and as the father, he has the right to see that this is taken care of properly. If possible, see if you guys can get joint legal custody of the little girl, that way when something like this happens again, mommy won't be the only one who has final say over this child's well being. Kudos to you for caring and BOO to her for being so petty.

02-14-2003, 05:45 AM
I would think that something like that could constitute neglect on the mother's part. It's definitely something to document. I realize that she probably doesn't want to deal with the child's hair all the time but putting in weaves to cover it up is not a solution. From the way it sounds she probably hasn't consulted a hair stylist either. That sounds like a home job. Maybe your hubby would pay more attention if you simply stated it for what it is--child abuse.

Medusa Negrita
02-14-2003, 05:11 PM
Un-uh, I wouldn't go as far as saying this is neglect on the mother's part at all - for what? For social services to step in?

Neglect on a black girls hair is open to intepretation and subjective opinion. I remember there was a moms in court who child was temporarily in the care of someone else, and they put a perm in the child's head and she was steaming mad, so she went to court. The judge (a white lady) was like as long as the girl has being 'properly maintained' and she was in the custody of someone else, they had to right to do what they feel to keep the girl looking presentable - see what I'm sayin? This girl is getting her hair braided and done, and that's probably the only thing the court would see - not a particular styles that included braided glued-in weaves and perms on a bad scalp condition.

What if she did take the child to a dermo, and they gave her advice and meds, but she doesn't know she's counteracting that with glue and perms? Do you think she told the dermos that they she perms and put in weaves? - probably not. Do you think they asked? - probably not. So by all means, she could very well be doing her job.

I would still document it if that's what you choose to do because if does get to court, then they still know that something is wrong. Just that social services steppin for a case like this kinda rubs me the wrong way since they are ask judge us and our hair styles and care and by 'who's standard?' It should be judge on individual basis, but if they not familiar they have to go back and put it with something they familiar - when could be and the care of their own hair.

I agree with whomever said talking to the dad and taking her to the dermo first. If the moms got a a prob, then the daddy needs to step in and say "well it's my child too and as a responsible father and out concern for her head, we took her to the doc."

02-14-2003, 07:18 PM
The terms child abuse and neglect cover a wide spectrum of behaviors, not just beating or starving a child. If she did go to a derm and continues to damage the child's head, against medical advice, that is neglectful behavior. Child services wouldn't necessarily have to be called in. I'm not a "one false move, we take your child" kind of person by any means, but she should be able to see that her actions are causing harm. Sometimes it takes a third party to shed light on what we refuse to see. I can't imagine that a head full of oozing scabs could look "presentable." If the child is otherwise well taken care of I don't think child services would step in anyway. My suggestion is to convince the father to take a more active role in this and maybe get a second opinion from a derm. of his choice. The fact that the girl told her step-mother that she would get in trouble if her hair was touched raised an alarm in me. Does she get in trouble for scratching an itchy scalp, which could probably be controlled with the right medicine?

02-26-2003, 08:15 PM
First of all, I'm not understanding why the mom would continue to perm the child's hair...but to glue in a weave on top of that is ridiculous. If the mom has taken this child to a dermatologist, there is no doubt in my mind that the doc didn't advise the mom NOT to perm this child's hair as they so often do.

When I took my daughter to a derm a few months ago, she told me to be careful not to cornrow too tight.

With the scalp sores, the perm, tight braids, and glue-ins, this has to be totally uncomfortable for your stepdaughter.

Somebody needs to say something to mom. As long as it's done in a respectful manner, I don't see why you shouldn't have a discussion with mom.

03-17-2003, 11:03 PM
First, Wendy, kudos to you for caring and dealing with a difficult situation.

I agree with much of what has been said. Get her father to approve her being evaluated by a dermatologist of your choosing, document it. Try to speak to her mom in as nonconfrontational a way as possible and educate her. She (I hope) may not know the damage of what she is doing. If she does and continues to do it, then that's a serious problem of neglect that needs to be addressed. Not by snatching her from the home necessarily but having someone to look out for the proper care and welfare of the child, provide support and education to Mom, etc.

This does raise the question of how she treats the child otherwise, esp the "I'll get in trouble" comment. Is she generally well groomed and treated by her mother? Is her mom using her as a pawn to cause pain in her dad and your lives? Are there larger issues that this hair issue may be just a symptom of?

Good luck.

03-19-2003, 05:02 PM
Is her mom using her as a pawn to cause pain in her dad and your lives?
Good luck.

Don't get me started. When she was four my hubby corrected her and said that her mom current bf (she went through them like water) was not her dad. And that he was her dad. When we walked though the door and she repeated it to her mom, this heffer threw a FIT! Two weeks later the phone was disconnected and when we went to the apartment she had moved with no forwarding address. We didn't see her for three years and that was only because hubby accidentaly ran into someone who knew her and agreed to convince her to call him.

So now hubby is almost afraid of missing out on more years if her mom gets another bug up her butt.

03-19-2003, 05:16 PM
Oh no she didn't!

Has her father clarified his legal standing in the situation? If they have joint custody she is not allowed to disappear like this---it is a violation of a court order. I would definitely document all of these events, the hair issues, and any other suspicions/problems you encounter with this woman. The most important thing is the child, and if Mom is not aware and attentive to this, the best thing you can do for her is to try and have her spend more time with you/increase custody arrangement. I feel for you--Mom sounds unstable (at best).

Good luck and prayers coming your way.

03-19-2003, 05:35 PM
Oh no she didn't!

Has her father clarified his legal standing in the situation? If they have joint custody she is not allowed to disappear like this---it is a violation of a court order.

Yes she did!

My hubby pays child support and legally is suppose to get her every other weekend. But he tried calling the child support office repeatedly and they would not give out the mothers information (even though they made sure she got her check every month). They would only contact her and give her his information. His only other option was to press charges against her but he felt that dragging his daughters mom through court would only make things worse on his daughter.

03-20-2003, 05:17 PM
I would strongly suggest you consult a lawyer regarding your concerns. That is ridiculous that they would deliver the check but deny him access to his child when they knew her location. I'm pretty sure it's illegal as well. Document everything well and talk to a lawyer regarding what you can do for the welfare of this poor child.

Take care!

03-20-2003, 05:48 PM
I have had similar problems with my step-daughters mom concerning her hair. However, our relationship is a little bit different. I invited her for coffee when I first realized i was going to be a permanent fixture in her daughters life. I explained that I had been a single parent for 13 years and understood what it was like not know anything about a person spending a lot of time in your childs life. I also explained that I understood that she and my husband did not get along and that I could be a resource or facilitator. She is not very reasonable when it comes to him because of their past issues. I understand her issues with him and told her so. I also told her that this was past and he is not the person he was 8 years ago blah blah blah and that it really is in the childs best interest for everyone to work together. Since then, she has called me a few times to ask that I not undo things she has done to her daughters hair...but she was very polite about it.. and she is generally not a very polite person. (she does the too tight cornrow thing and leaves this in for 3 and 4 weeks at a time) I said all of this to say, maybe you should take a step back and try approaching her "woman to woman" in a "hey i'm not the enemy, i'm hear to help" kind of way. It might work.. it might not.. but it cant hurt. Good luck!