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SiennaMoonshine
03-03-2005, 10:45 AM
I was talking someone who warned me that my DD will be grown-up in just a few years. It made me a little sad, but these things must take place. I was ruminating on all the preparation I want to do, and began to think about preparing her to date, in particular.

I know teens have a tendency to roll their eyes :rolleyes: and sigh, insisting that 'things are different now' and that we 'just don't know how it is these days', but clearly, dating is fraught with pitfalls, and I don't want my precious to fall into any of them unawares.

I am curious as to how you would approach the subject of dating to a young person. You don't have to be a parent; a friend, cousin, big sister can advise just as well.

How do you tell them what they need to know:

a. without sounding too bleak
b. without male-bashing
c. without giving a lecture :soapbox:
d. with realistic and helpful suggestions they will actually hear.

JazziePizzaz
03-05-2005, 07:19 PM
In my opinion, one of the best things to do is to "be real." I remember my mother used to try to sugar coat things. I now wish she would have just told me like it was instead. Plus I think it would be best for you to tell her what you think she needs to know, in turn opening the door for her to ask you questions. You would rather tell her about something, then allowing her to be naive and letting some boy tell her his version of the issue (sex or otherwise).

I think when a teen begins to date you want to make sure that she knows the "door is open" if they want to communicate with you about something. However as a parent it's important to be consistent, if you tell her " You can talk to me about anything" then as soon as she asks you a question you freak out. Before you know it she won't be asking you anymore questions. I speak from experience because my mother told me that, and when I asked questions I was the one in trouble because she assumed instead of listened.


HTH

stephbut
03-05-2005, 10:38 PM
If you dont use a CONDOM when you have sex, you could die or have a disease for the rest of your life. Than take them to a hospital to meet AIDS patients, because for some reason it seems kids these days STILL dont get it

growunatty
03-05-2005, 10:59 PM
whatever you do please don't forget to add:
"if you're not ready to have a baby don't have sex."
and/or
"before you decide to have sex with someone think to yourself 'would i want to raise a child with this person?'"

and also

"aids is real".

peace...

MsCurly85
03-06-2005, 01:36 AM
just be honest and real.... talk about DATE RAPE, STD's.. etc.... just talk like you would talk how u would talk on any other subject.. its imporant..

SiennaMoonshine
03-06-2005, 05:49 AM
A guest requested that the comments below be added to the topic:

Hello.

Please add this comment to the board. No names are necissary, just add the comment if you so please.


I don't see why young people have to date. I have a 15 year old, and I told him he doesn't need any girlfriends. It's okay to have friends that are girls, but for what having a girlfriend entails - he doesn't need it or need to be apart of it just yet. He needs to have friends of the opposite sex FIRST before engaging into whatever having a 'girlfriend' entails.

Also girls need to know how to have friends that are boys, and not feel that every person you like and are attracted too you have to be their boyfriend or girlfriend and eventually have sex with them. Part of the problem now is that people don't know how to be single and have friends of the opposite sex without having sex with them or trying to be their sexual partners or significant others.

Also, young people like many different people for many different reasons - why tie yourself down to one person at the tender age of 16 or so? With FRIENDS - you can have as many as you want and don't have to worry about people getting jealous because you suppose to be with them and not anyone else. A lot of young folks are not that ready to settle down or pretend to settle down anyway, so having one girlfriend or boyfriend isn't necissary. Just encourage him (or her) to have friends that they hang with, kick it with, have fun with. Be truthful about sex and the consequences of sex, and be truthful about the ups and down and perils of having relationships (such as how people may act and why, and things such a person's first love, first sex partner, broken hearts, and the like).

Encourage virginity and sexual monogamy (even if they start to have sex, it's important not to be sharing themselves with any and everything, and they shouldn't be with someone that willing to share themselves with any and everything too). Try to explain what some of the WRONG reasons are why people have sex and try become intimate (for attention, acceptance, etc) so that they don't engage into sex and relationships for those reasons, or engage with someone who wants to have sex and relationships for those reasons. Tell them to be aware and asked questions of the person they like and want to get to know, which is always best if they start out as FRIENDS first and foremost.

HTH and much luck.

BrittanyanJ
03-06-2005, 04:39 PM
Originally posted by SiennaMoonshine@Mar 6 2005, 12:49 AM
A guest requested that the comments below be added to the topic:

Hello.

Please add this comment to the board. No names are necissary, just add the comment if you so please.
I don't see why young people have to date. I have a 15 year old, and I told him he doesn't need any girlfriends. It's okay to have friends that are girls, but for what having a girlfriend entails - he doesn't need it or need to be apart of it just yet. He needs to have friends of the opposite sex FIRST before engaging into whatever having a 'girlfriend' entails.

Also girls need to know how to have friends that are boys, and not feel that every person you like and are attracted too you have to be their boyfriend or girlfriend and eventually have sex with them. Part of the problem now is that people don't know how to be single and have friends of the opposite sex without having sex with them or trying to be their sexual partners or significant others.

Also, young people like many different people for many different reasons - why tie yourself down to one person at the tender age of 16 or so? With FRIENDS - you can have as many as you want and don't have to worry about people getting jealous because you suppose to be with them and not anyone else. A lot of young folks are not that ready to settle down or pretend to settle down anyway, so having one girlfriend or boyfriend isn't necissary. Just encourage him (or her) to have friends that they hang with, kick it with, have fun with. Be truthful about sex and the consequences of sex, and be truthful about the ups and down and perils of having relationships (such as how people may act and why, and things such a person's first love, first sex partner, broken hearts, and the like).

Encourage virginity and sexual monogamy (even if they start to have sex, it's important not to be sharing themselves with any and everything, and they shouldn't be with someone that willing to share themselves with any and everything too). Try to explain what some of the WRONG reasons are why people have sex and try become intimate (for attention, acceptance, etc) so that they don't engage into sex and relationships for those reasons, or engage with someone who wants to have sex and relationships for those reasons. Tell them to be aware and asked questions of the person they like and want to get to know, which is always best if they start out as FRIENDS first and foremost.

HTH and much luck.

746049


Very well said. :smil3f72836ee752e:

rozlips
03-06-2005, 05:39 PM
I agree with this overemphasis on acquiring a mate too young. People are speaking in romantic terms of my son and he's only 9 months old. I think young people should be encouraged to have friends, and to see many people, but having a single boyfriend or girlfriend is not a good idea.

I think we should be frank with our children about the many pitfalls that are out there and be frank about our own experiences. My mama told us about her own date rape at 18 when we were young women, and that gave us an awareness of some of the things that could happen if we weren't careful. She only went out with the guy because these older women she worked with told her it was time she had a boyfriend. She wasn't prepared and really wasn't interested in an intimate relationship at the time. Those older women should have been encouraging her to follow her own instincts and beliefs and not conform to some societal standard.

I think preparation for dating begins much earlier than puberty when we teach our children to listen to their own conscience and follow their instincts. Engage in critical thinking and not follow the crowd. All too often doing it because everyone else is leads to trouble.

thunderstorm
03-06-2005, 06:24 PM
i completely agree that encouraging boyfriend/girlfriend relationships isn't critical for a well-rounded teen.

too many teens take dating too seriously, where girls want to fight other girls for showing interest in THEIR men; where teen couples mimic adult relationships where they have sex, celebrate anniversaries, exchange [expensive] rings or other jewelry symbolizing their bonds, etc.

i think it's healthy for children to have crushes and to discover the joy of attraction to the opposite sex. but i don't think it's healthy to promote serious relationships in teens, particularly younger teens under 16 years of age.

we will explain to our children what our hopes are for them, among other things:

that they will remain virgins into adulthood (at least out of high school)

that they will respect their bodies and not do anything on a whim or out of pressure.

that many adults cannot handle the emotional repercussions of a sexual relationship, let alone children

they will know that oral sex is sex

our daughter will know that if she's been fingered, had oral sex performed on her, performs oral sex on a boy, and does serious bumping and grinding, that she is in a sexual relationship and doesn't qualify as a virgin anymore

our son will know that it is wrong to play on a girl's emotions to get sexually gratified by her

that sex often complicates relationships so that they become unhappy, unpleasant, and ungratifying

that the promise of sex will make a person lie and fake adoration to get physical fulfillment from another

that girls can pressure boys to have sex too

that anyone who makes you second guess your personal decisions about saving yourself, is certainly not worth making adult choices with

that it is possible to get pregnant while you are on your period

that it is possible to get pregnant during any day of the month

that it is possible to get pregnant without penetration (if a boy has touched himself then fingers a girl, or if he has ejaculated in the opening of her vagina)

that it is possible to have a serious std and not have a single symptom at all

that bc pills aren't a guarantee against pregnancy

that condoms can fail, even when used properly

that it is possible to have a fulfilling, happy, fun relationship with people of the opposite sex without engaging in sex, and other adult-like behavior.