Daughter being pressured to straighten...

**uzuri** · 04-09-2012, 02:04 PM

Gilroygal, you didn´t mention how old your daughter is. And I do remember Crazycoil, she had very kinky hair, and was very good in styling it. .....And as for the person telling you to let your daughter put on a wig to school (!), that´s not right.

Forget the weaves as well. What about braids? Have you also thought of starting small locs on her hair?
I have two girls, 12 and 10 years old. One has kinky hair more like Deecoily´s , and the other has wavy hair. They go to a mainly all white school (there are one or two other mixed kids, and some Turks or Arabs) The one with kinky hair loves her big hair, and sometimes bugs me to have it in a puff in school, which I say no to because of fear of lice.

Anyway, I have told her from when she could understand how lovely her hair is, as I´ve also told the one with the wavy hair. Their father also supports me in praising their hair. I have also told her about the dangers of relaxers. One of her friends with a relaxer has hair that is thin and will not grow. I´ve also pointed out how in the long run, the hair will become thin, and break. She has so far not shown any desire to relax her hair. If she did, I would NOT support her. She would have to wait until she´s of age to do it, and I would personally not do it for her, or tell her how great it looks straight, or whatever. That´s just me. I do not think that it´s just hair. No it is not.

**Bithiya** · 04-10-2012, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by uzuri

Gilroygal, you didn´t mention how old your daughter is. And I do remember Crazycoil, she had very kinky hair, and was very good in styling it. .....And as for the person telling you to let your daughter put on a wig to school (!), that´s not right.

Forget the weaves as well. What about braids? Have you also thought of starting small locs on her hair?
I have two girls, 12 and 10 years old. One has kinky hair more like Deecoily´s , and the other has wavy hair. They go to a mainly all white school (there are one or two other mixed kids, and some Turks or Arabs) The one with kinky hair loves her big hair, and sometimes bugs me to have it in a puff in school, which I say no to because of fear of lice.

Anyway, I have told her from when she could understand how lovely her hair is, as I´ve also told the one with the wavy hair. Their father also supports me in praising their hair. I have also told her about the dangers of relaxers. One of her friends with a relaxer has hair that is thin and will not grow. I´ve also pointed out how in the long run, the hair will become thin, and break. She has so far not shown any desire to relax her hair. If she did, I would NOT support her. She would have to wait until she´s of age to do it, and I would personally not do it for her, or tell her how great it looks straight, or whatever. That´s just me. I do not think that it´s just hair. No it is not.

@gilroygal & @uzuri:
I read the above and gave it some thought. I'm glad it's working out for this particular family. But we have to keep in mind that this social setting and/or the children's hairtype may or may not be similar to those of the OP. In my humble opinion, based upon what was stated in the original post, the big-picture goal really is getting this young girl (I believe the OP, in a recent post, said she is 12 years old) through school without emotionally scarring memories. That is why I responded the way I did.

**uzuri** · 04-11-2012, 05:44 AM

Originally Posted by Bithiya

@gilroygal & @uzuri:
I read the above and gave it some thought. I'm glad it's working out for this particular family. But we have to keep in mind that this social setting and/or the children's hairtype may or may not be similar to those of the OP. In my humble opinion, based upon what was stated in the original post, the big-picture goal really is getting this young girl (I believe the OP, in a recent post, said she is 12 years old) through school without emotionally scarring memories. That is why I responded the way I did.

I can see your point, especially about the social setting... But believe me, to a white girl from Europe,, all kinky hair is basically the same....Not straight and doesn´t lie down when combed.

**inikit** · 04-13-2012, 01:35 AM

Originally Posted by uzuri

.....And as for the person telling you to let your daughter put on a wig to school (!), that´s not right.

Forget the weaves as well. What about braids? Have you also thought of starting small locs on her hair?

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't saying for her to let her daughter wear a wig to school. I meant that she should let her wear a wig sometime on the weekends when they don't have anywhere to go and show her that straight hair isn't all it's cracked up to be. I will fully admit however, that I automatically assumed her daughter was AT LEAST 15 (which I shouldn't have done). Also, I don't think that locs would be a good idea because of all the stages the hair has to go through before it even locks.

**PammiePC** · 04-13-2012, 02:16 AM

Before making any kind of "decisions" there really needs to be a talk with your daughter about what she actually wants to do. This needs to involve assessing if she understands the pros/cons of straightened or natural hair. I think the pro/cons list mentioned before is a great idea. Also, you need to figure out where she is in relation to her self-esteem + hair + pressure from other kids. Does she say "my mom won't let me" because she actually wants to have her hair straightened, or does she say it as an excuse to get them off of her back? Does she like her curly hair, or does she like the look of straight hair better?---and in addition to that, does she REALLY like straight hair, or does she just think it might be a better option because other kids tell her she would look good with it.

This is a really good opportunity for you as a parent to have a serious discussion with your daughter about fitting it, peer pressure, self esteem, self love, etc etc. Helping her understand that changing her physical appearance to please other people is not the path to go down.

Also, is she aware of the skin condition she does have? These are all things you would need to discuss with her in order to figure out what's best for her.

In the end, I would say whatever she does want to do, don't take the chemical route. AND, if she does want to press her hair, tell her that you really would prefer that she doesn't do it, and that you strongly disapprove. But let her make the decision (if that's what you want to do). But then again, you could always just go down the path of saying NO. It can be hard, but sometimes it's better in the end. Sometimes parents just need to put their foot down and make the decisions, lord knows my parents did it.

**gilroygal** · 04-13-2012, 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by PammiePC

Before making any kind of "decisions" there really needs to be a talk with your daughter about what she actually wants to do. This needs to involve assessing if she understands the pros/cons of straightened or natural hair. I think the pro/cons list mentioned before is a great idea. Also, you need to figure out where she is in relation to her self-esteem + hair + pressure from other kids. Does she say "my mom won't let me" because she actually wants to have her hair straightened, or does she say it as an excuse to get them off of her back? Does she like her curly hair, or does she like the look of straight hair better?---and in addition to that, does she REALLY like straight hair, or does she just think it might be a better option because other kids tell her she would look good with it.

This is a really good opportunity for you as a parent to have a serious discussion with your daughter about fitting it, peer pressure, self esteem, self love, etc etc. Helping her understand that changing her physical appearance to please other people is not the path to go down.

Also, is she aware of the skin condition she does have? These are all things you would need to discuss with her in order to figure out what's best for her.

In the end, I would say whatever she does want to do, don't take the chemical route. AND, if she does want to press her hair, tell her that you really would prefer that she doesn't do it, and that you strongly disapprove. But let her make the decision (if that's what you want to do). But then again, you could always just go down the path of saying NO. It can be hard, but sometimes it's better in the end. Sometimes parents just need to put their foot down and make the decisions, lord knows my parents did it.

Thanks! You nailed it! Since my OP, she has learned QUITE a bit about styling and taking care of her hair. I have successfully taught her the importance of daily moisture and I encourgae her to pull her hair back at night to avoid matting and tangling. She was hesitant at first (I think) because she wasn't sure if she could do it. Now she does her hair daily. If I feel the need to intervene, then I do, but otherwise I give her a fair amount of leniency in regards to styles. She was looking in the mirror the other day saying "My hair is bomb", and she had it in a semi-stretched, semi-smooshed fro. I am VERY grateful for the posts and ideas. TO the poster who asked, she DOES understand her eczema. She also has a little friend at school who recently got a "hair cut" and I explained to her about the breakage due to heat and relaxers that her friend was experiencing. I had talked with the mother about the young lady's hair in the past, so I was able to be honest without relating too much information. I let her know that if we relax her hair, she could experieince some of the same things. Now she's after me to cut her hair and leave the fron longer, but I just think she's to oyoung for all of that right now. Bottom line is, I think success has been achieved!

**PammiePC** · 04-13-2012, 10:52 PM

Awesome! Glad to hear it all worked out!

**gilroygal** · 04-16-2012, 04:45 AM

YAAAAYYYY!! She had a fro today. It looked cute!

**uzuri** · 04-16-2012, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by gilroygal

YAAAAYYYY!! She had a fro today. It looked cute!

Great to hear that!

I feel for our children. They are surrounded with kids who are taught from home not to appreciate the natural hair. It has to be straight to be cute. Parents who are totally clueless. How sad.