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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzziwuz View Post
    You know what you have, and what to do... hopefully in this stage in your life. Other people's experiences should enhance exit strategies, not create doubt unless you're uncertain with your mate. Individuals just don't wake up in a domestic violence situation. If we are slaves, then we enslave ourselves because we see warning signs and choose to either ignore or do nothing. The "white heterosexual male" create laws to protect us, but we don't utilize them due to fears and/or selfish reasons. True, DV isn't cut and dry. It's just more difficult to react when we allow our principals to be compromised. Seriously, who acknowledges patriarchy/heterosexual male dominance in the midst of a relationship, when folks are so caught up in their own issues. I can only speak from the region where I reside. If we don't take advantage of laws then how can we blame a system? If the law fails, yes... otherwise we're accountable for ourselves. The days of being "property" is over. We have a voice.

    *** REVISION ***

    I concede. After thought it's possible we're speaking from perspectives based on experience, region and/or culture. My perspective derived from my observations of DV individuals as you described and victims who are comfortable being victims. People come to the victims aid and the victim turns on the savior in the same manner as the abuser. The law arrives to protect, but the victim refuses to cooperate. Sometimes the law will persecute the abuser without the victims cooperation, however officers are careful in each situation since there's false claims. Women in my region initiate drama and will cut a man in a heartbeat. They're aware the laws are favorable to them and use it spitefully. These women are not afraid of men. Some have the misconception that men will not strike a woman (in which some don't and suffer abuse themselves) but they learn the hard way picking themselves up. In other relationships it's toxic, the DV goes both ways. Law enforcement analyze all angles to determine if a woman is truly a victim.

    Culture creates issues for victims. Women feel trapped because they compromise their safety for family, religion, culture. Many viewed as second class citizens, property and can lose their lives. The laws can't protect them as you stated because it's favorable to men. In my region we're aware of the differences and situations are handled anonymously. Employees take oaths to report issues, signs are posted in bathrooms for women to seek help in several languages, programs are in place to provide shelter for families, counseling and financial assistance. There's plenty of organizations in support of women's rights.

    I witnessed all of the above and worked in agencies where I supplied exit strategies: a temporary place to stay for the minimum of 6 months with all the resources at the anonymous location. The women either escape by taking advantage, abuse the situation or return back to the abuser. Depending upon region and laws of that land one can escape.
    When I was referring to a culture of patriarchy it included America....But I do agree that women are valued even less and have fewer resources available to them outside of places like the U.S. I volunteered at a Crisis Centre in the Caribbean where the police department hadn't even provided a protective mirror/glass for women to identify potential perpetrators of rape/assault. So the male perpetrator would literally be staring the assaulted woman in the face as she pointed them out in a line up. Crazy! Also on an island where are you escaping to? There are only so many places for these women to seek shelter for themselves and their children. And even then, it's short term and they would eventually be found, so most would just end up going back to the abusive spouse. So yeah, in that instance, environment as well as the entrenched culture of viewing women as less than is different from the U.S. or Canada where I'm from. However, women not having enough resources to escape is not just limited to smaller/poorer nations so again, there are layers to all of this as you said. I also take your point about cases not being reported in the first place, which makes it less likely for whatever laws are in place to actually be given a chance to work.

    Having said all of that, White and/or heterosexual males creating laws to supposedly protect women/people of colour is in of itself problematic. And that was/is my point. The voices of groups most vulnerable need to be heard and included at all levels of policy/law making, and the re-shaping of this culture of abuse but that is too often not the case. And I don't believe that is for lack of trying or an unwillingness on the part of the marginalized (i.e. advocacy groups/organizations). America is not exempt from this. Resources may be available and that's fantastic, but they ultimately only offer band aid solutions to a much bigger problem. I guess I just don't understand why Patriarchy can't be discussed in conjunction with all the other information available to the public regarding abuse, rape, assault etc., Like, why isn't this a part of our dialogue as observers when these cases make headlines? (That was rhetorical btw, b/c I know why *side eye*).

    Let me go have a seat next to Sway, cause I don't have the answers either.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzziwuz View Post
    True. However if I need to have the discussion on personal boundaries, then there's no relationship. It's over before it began. It's all about mutual respect.... failure.... don't bother. Personally, I think having the discussion would make the individual careful... when I want them to slip up. People tell you what you want to hear.
    I disagree. If people are involved, then every relationship requires boundaries. It has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or mutual respect.

    Have you every been around a couple where the husband is way out of pocket disrespecting his wife? For some reason, he thought it was okay to say certain things to his wife because she never told him upfront "by the way, I require that you always speak to me in a respectful manner at all times."


    Humans, regardless of the nature of the relationship (parents, siblings, SO,etc), will always come up with some foolishness. That's what people do. It behooves everyone to let those close to you know where you personally draw the line.

    I don't see any issue with having a simple 10 minute conversation were you lay out your expectations in the relationship. If you can discuss money, housekeeping, and having children, you can discuss violence in the relationship.

    Some men aren't that smart. They really need to be told upfront that violence is off the table and be alerted of the consequences.
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

  3. #23
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    You don't see any issues, but it may be an issue with the guy because you're assuming he's a woman beater. "Some aren't that smart and need to be told." If you're having the discussion from jump, then you're also assuming he's not intelligent and a child because you're not giving him time to reveal himself. You've insulted the guy three times on day one. If this works for you and the guy hangs around kudos. However what works for me is my mutual respect spiel -- "Treat people the way you want to be treated. We are cool, but if you cross lines, you got problems. Don't start nothing, it won't be nothing." It's understood that I'm not to be played with... and if one is into games... move on. IDK maybe one encountered violence and need to have discussions on violence to be preemptive. But to a guy you're sending messages: you have or had issues (damaged), stereotyping (in which some guys may internalize), or be understanding. Two thirds won't waste their time. Before a male gets violent, disrespect precedes. I'm out at that point .....respect isn't mutual. Action speak louder than words. Eh, whatever works.

  4. #24
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    Default Re: Janay Palmer Rice

    So, some folks thought it would be cute to come up with Ray and Janay Rice halloween costumes for this year.









    ETA:
    Fixed the link. Apparently NP wouldn't let the "necole bishie" name in the other link get past the censors so I used a link from another site.
    Last edited by MommieDearest; 10-28-2014 at 02:28 AM.
    ~Love the hair you have~

  5. #25
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    Default Re: Janay Palmer Rice

    Folks are so messed up. Your link didn't work, but I viewed a white little kid imitating... dragging a black doll. The parents are sick. Between the two of them... neither has sense?

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  7. #26
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    Default Re: Janay Palmer Rice

    Once in a while, I lose all hope that humanity can be redeemed.


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    To those of you who've been digging through Celebrerie archives and liking my posts, thank you

  8. #27
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    Last year Treyvon was popular.

    I hate Halloween. I'm serious. I know people love it and all but I don't like horror, people stay out of pocket, it's my LEAST favorite holiday by a WIDE margin. I literally can't wait for it to be over every year.

    I enjoy passing out candy to kids, tho.
    It's Cheap to be Pank. Come to the Pank Side.

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