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Thread: Frustrated

  1. #1
    J.J. is offline Validated and Nappified
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    Default Frustrated

    My home is not natural-hair friendly and it's frustrating and isolating.

    I've been natural since 2010 and have been trying to find a way to stay natural that fits my personality and budget. I've locked up twice, wore my hair loose for 2 years, and did 2 BCs (this recent one I did myself. I don't think it looks bad but again I got comments).

    Throughout my whole journey I've gotten nothing but disparaging comments about how my hair looks bad and why won't I get it to look "curly". I want to stay the DIY route because there's no one here that can care for natural hair, I don't like depending on someone else to do my hair, and I don't have the budget. However, whenever I try to do my hair it never seems to meet the standards of the people I live with. I'm in my 20s so I know I have a right to do what I want to my head, but I also don't want to leave the house looking a mess.

    The problem is is that I don't know if my hair looks bad because I'm bad at styling, or because they expect my hair to look a certain way it will never look like. I think it's a mixture of both. I want to explain to them that not only does no one in the house except me know anything about natural hair (for example, they didn't know that locs go through a fuzzy baby stage and expected them to look like mature locs from day one) but my hair will never be curly, it will always be kinky and coily.

    I'm sitting here embarrassed, hiding my head in a wig, and regretting my decision. I feel like maybe I need to suck it up and have someone do my hair or maybe I shouldn't be natural. For the first time in a long time I wish I had a different texture.

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    Default Re: Frustrated

    OR maybe you need to find a new place to live. Let's tackle that first. Who are these people you're living with and do you HAVE to live with them out of financial or some other need?

    If they're critical of your hair, I'm guessing they're critical of other things too.

    If for some reason you can't move, and you still want to be natural, you're going to have to grow a backbone. Sorry to be harsh, but that's the truth. Thing is...having a backbone helps in all areas of life, not just hair. And it is YOUR hair to wear as YOU wish, not as these other people wish.

    Your texture, regimen, styling skills, etc. come second to your needing to tell these people where to step...
    Hello, 2021. Glad to see you. Hope you're bringing us goodness and light this year!

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  4. #3
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    Default Re: Frustrated

    Sweetie, you are playing a game you can't win. If folks don't like natural hair, they will NEVER say that your hair looks good.

    Life lesson: we get to define our lives. That means that YOU get to do your hair and YOU get to decide that it looks good and YOU get to decide to wear it outside and rock it. Other people may not like your hair, but so what? These folks are not paying your bills. Why give them the power to decide what you do with your hair?

    Get on Youtube and learn how to do a basic, daily style. Then begin to wear it out proudly. You will learn that the world won't fall apart if a few people don't like your hair.

    On the flip side, you are spending so much time worrying what other people think of you. Shouldn't some of these people be worried about what YOU think of them?
    Last edited by chachadiva; 10-16-2014 at 10:34 PM.
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. #4
    J.J. is offline Validated and Nappified
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    Default Re: Frustrated

    Thanks guys. The people I'm talking about are some family but I didn't want to talk bad about them online. I have to live with them because I'm still in school and need financial support. I think I'm just extra sensitive right now and this is bothering me more than usual. Usually I let this stuff roll off my back.

    My family is usually supportive but I think they have the same negative ideas regarding natural hair that a lot of people do (that it needs to be a certain "type," that it needs to be long, etc.). I think I'm just upset because i was basically told today that throughout my whole hair journey my hair never looked good (but this is by the same person who never says anything good about my hair anyway. While I love this person I think they just don't like highly textured natural hair).

    Oh well. I guess I'm back at square one with growing this out.
    Last edited by J.J.; 10-17-2014 at 02:24 AM.

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    Default Re: Frustrated

    First off thanks for sharing your frustrations/where you're at here. It's what the forum's for.

    I'm in a similar age bracket and family/home set up, and although I'm lucky nappturality is the norm, it's not like I don't feel pressured with other family expectations/"recommendations" etc. Like you said, when the rest of your family knows little or nothing about the topic everyone's getting all hopped up about it can be really frustrating.

    You used the word "isolating", mentioned not wanting others to do your hair and not knowing if you were styling in ways that go well with your hair type. I wonder if you can start by sorting through your own doubts about napptural hair (doubts that they are making worse by the sounds of it). Before dealing with family, figuring out what you can expect from your hair and how to work towards what you want from your hair is the starting point I would recommend. It sounds like you don't want the wig. What do you want?

    What styles were you trying? Are you ok with posting pics online and having us tell you what we think? Maybe we can be that other voice that's hopefully more supportive. People might also be able to give you styling recommendations (that are DIY and $ friendly).

    Is there anyone that's a little less negative than the rest (or just doesn't care)? Spending time, being patient and teaching them isn't something you owe them but giving it to them anyway might make your life easier in the longer run (and might even change their mind(s) one at a time).

    I really hope this helps!! Best of luck and keep us posted
    Last edited by underthehood; 10-17-2014 at 07:18 AM.
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    Default Re: Frustrated

    I just want to add that just because someone doesn't like your hairstyle doesn't mean that you are "bad at it". It just means that the other party doesn't like it. They don't have to. It's YOUR hair. Unless they are willing to terminate the living arrangement because of it (which I doubt) you should wear your hair with pride. I KNOW the comments hurt and I happen to have the type of hair that people "typically" don't want to have. I have learned to love my hair in TIME and I believe that you can, too.

    Here's a cyber hug and fist bump...you got this!
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    Default Re: Frustrated

    Quote Originally Posted by gilroygal View Post
    I just want to add that just because someone doesn't like your hairstyle doesn't mean that you are "bad at it". It just means that the other party doesn't like it. They don't have to. It's YOUR hair. Unless they are willing to terminate the living arrangement because of it (which I doubt) you should wear your hair with pride. I KNOW the comments hurt and I happen to have the type of hair that people "typically" don't want to have. I have learned to love my hair in TIME and I believe that you can, too.

    Here's a cyber hug and fist bump...you got this!
    THIS^, 10 000 times.

    You are judging your ability to style your hair based on comments from people who don't like natural hair in the first place. That's like a meat-eater getting ruffled because a hardcore vegan complained about her steak dinner.

    I know all too well where you're coming from. However, I hope that eventually you won't let others' opinions about being natural influence your own ideas.
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    Default Re: Frustrated

    Regardless of how your family feels about your hair, how do your really feel? Take time to watch youtube videos; they are a wealth of information. If you learn how to maintain your hair you will be surprised at how beautiful your hair really is. Keep your hair moisturized and it will thrive. Don't get disappointed if you want your hair to do something it can not do. If you are a type 4 it will not look like type 2. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and don't let anyone make you feel less than.

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    Default Re: Frustrated

    Hold your head HIGH....be true to yourself....dont let anyone rule your life.....and educate yourself about your hair.....have patience and keep the faith.

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