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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #71
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    Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
    **If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.


    **If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.



    **If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana


    .
    **If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.



    **If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.



    **If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.



    **If you find 10 "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.





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  3. #72
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    Every time this thread is bumped I read it all the way through and all over again...

    My niece has been into knock-knock jokes lately so I went and found some for her. My favorites:

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Delores!
    Delores who?
    Delores my shepherd

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Boo!
    Boo who?
    Don't cry, it's just a knock knock joke

    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Armageddon!
    Armageddon who?
    Armageddon cold out here, open up
    How will your 2019 be different than any other year?

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  5. #73
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    This just came across the text chat portion of a meeting I'm in.

    [3:47:22 PM] 007 connected.
    [3:47:55 PM] 007 entered channel.
    [3:48:57 PM] (Channel) 007: Hi everybody, hope ye are all well.
    [3:49:31 PM] (Channel) Waterford: hi James
    If your import amid discussion is to ridicule, sabotage, and/or dismiss, you will no longer receive the privilege of my attention. Passive aggressive behaviors are a defense mechanism of oppressed and ultimately even self-defeated persons. Disregarding and/or ridiculing the concerns of others doesn't legitimize or address your own. You have betrayed a critical trust I must have in you that you are engaging or asking of me to enhance each of our perspectives rather than ridicule mine or reaffirm your own biases. Express your own concerns and/or support your own ideals. Your antics reek of repression and aren't constructive.

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  7. #74
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    ^ lOST 10CHAR
    Last hit of creamy crack: 11/24/09
    BC: 10/26/2010
    Staples: Shealoe, EVOO, CO, Jojoba oil, HE HH, Avg

  8. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Intellexual View Post
    This just came across the text chat portion of a meeting I'm in.

    [3:47:22 PM] 007 connected.
    [3:47:55 PM] 007 entered channel.
    [3:48:57 PM] (Channel) 007: Hi everybody, hope ye are all well.
    [3:49:31 PM] (Channel) Waterford: hi James
    . **Cue theme music**

    Locs 2nd Set: April 3rd 2012 - Yup they're back

  9. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissChelle View Post
    ^ lOST 10CHAR
    007

    The name is Bond, James Bond

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  11. #77
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    I've obviously been missing out on this whole Bond thing. I have only watched one, the recent one with Daniel Craig.... Because he is smashable.
    Last hit of creamy crack: 11/24/09
    BC: 10/26/2010
    Staples: Shealoe, EVOO, CO, Jojoba oil, HE HH, Avg

  12. #78
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    Default Is there a problem, Officer?

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
    Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
    Officer: Don’t have one?
    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see; can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
    Woman: I can’t do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Second officer: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Second officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
    Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Second officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Second officer: Is this your car, ma’am?
    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Second officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Second officer: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
    Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
    Last edited by Intellexual; 03-29-2013 at 12:00 PM.
    If your import amid discussion is to ridicule, sabotage, and/or dismiss, you will no longer receive the privilege of my attention. Passive aggressive behaviors are a defense mechanism of oppressed and ultimately even self-defeated persons. Disregarding and/or ridiculing the concerns of others doesn't legitimize or address your own. You have betrayed a critical trust I must have in you that you are engaging or asking of me to enhance each of our perspectives rather than ridicule mine or reaffirm your own biases. Express your own concerns and/or support your own ideals. Your antics reek of repression and aren't constructive.

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  14. #79
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    Bumping because of this NPR article: What Is The Funniest Joke In The World?

    The answer (as determined by a poll) is at the bottom of the article. I when I read it.

    There are lots of really good jokes in the comments section as well.
    How will your 2019 be different than any other year?

  15. #80
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by kurliehead View Post
    Got this one in an email:


    A Woman's Week at the Gym


    If you've ever read Erma Bombeck
    stories, well, this sounds like something she would have written. SO
    funny!!!! I had to stop and grab a tissue before continuing......


    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
    wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
    into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary, For my birthday this year,
    my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local
    health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape
    since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
    would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my
    reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
    as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
    swim wear.

    My daughter20seemed pleased with my
    enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
    my progress..

    ________________________________

    MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough
    to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
    health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
    goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
    Hoo!!

    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
    the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
    her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Belinda was encouraging as I did my
    sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
    time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

    _______________________________

    TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
    she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
    feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
    _______________________________

    WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
    the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
    hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
    or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
    Belinda was impatient with me,
    insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
    too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
    nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the
    treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the world would
    anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
    elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
    She said some other stuff too.

    _______________________________

    THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
    her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
    being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with
    dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom... She
    sent another skinny ***** to find me.

    Then, as punishment, she put me on the
    rowing machine -- which I sank.

    _______________________________

    FRIDAY: I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
    any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
    anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
    without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my
    triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
    don't hand me them darn bar bells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I
    landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
    softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    ________________________________

    SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
    shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice
    made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
    strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
    hours of the Weather Channel.

    ________________________________

    SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
    and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
    daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
    root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
    over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
    Cathy/cathartic...
    Palm Rolling... 125 locs... Nature's Protein Gelee



    Naturals Salon & Spa... http://gotlocsva.com/

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