I've got the same hair you have and I wouldn't ever get into the shower with my hair in anything less than 4 sections - I use big loose twists. I only detangle under the water, use a method similar to Whitley's and it's no stress whatsoever. And if I really want to scrub my scalp a bit, I stretch that section of hair with one hand and massage my scalp with the fingers of the other. No tangles. Afterwards I apply my leave-in and put my hair up into some simple twists to dry and stretch a bit. This takes me about 90 minutes total, from start to finish - no tears.

The 2 practices that have changed my life with my hair the most are 1) more frequent washing - because that's when I remove most of the shed hairs & 2) a simple apple cider vinegar rinse (ACV) because it gives the hair less to catch on to. Really, the simplest & cheapest practices have helped me the most.

My guess is that if you're so dreading washing your hair, you're probably not doing it enough. At this point it may seem counter-intuitive but try to do it once a week.