Mommy Says No...

**nappiesjasies** · 09-29-2011, 12:05 AM

I'm a silent reader of the forums, but I really need some advice.

Let me start off by saying, I'm 16yrs old and I will be 6months natural on October 14th. I transitioned for about 8 1/2 months [I really didn't plan to, I had a love affair with braid extensions] I'll admit, I did use heat one time to get my hair done at the Dominican shop, but thankfully there wasn't any noticeable heat damage. During the beginning of the 8th month, I took out my braids and noticed my new growth taking over my stringy relaxed ends. I loved my new curls, and I decided not to ruin it by getting a relaxer. So I did some research then went on youtube for transitioning styles and tried a twist-out 0.o I hated how it was a nice texture at the new growth and how it was...well bad at the ends. Frustrated, I just bunned for the school day and my dad took me to get some crochet braiding hair at the hair store after school. Two weeks later, It was midway through Spring break, and I removed my crochet braids. Then, I had the impulse to big-chop. I figured why not. So I did. I said forever goodbye to my damaged relaxed ends and said hello to the new me. I loved my TWA, I absolutely love it. It was Edgy, and it was me!

Well a couple hours later, my excitement was ruined. My mom came home from work, and she hated my new hair. Her words quote, it was ugly, short, and nappy! I didn't care what she said. I loved it. I just shrugged her comments off and went about my business and thought, hey, that's the end of it. I was wrong. My mom had to make a nasty comment about my hair, when my brothers was downstairs. She told me I looked like a boy. And I wasn't going to go anywhere with her looking like that. She told me I didn't look like myself, that I wasn't her daughter anymore. Ouch, that hurt...bad. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. My mom said I can't go to school looking like that, and she forced me to get some weave from the BSS. That's basically how the rest of the school year went. During the summer I tried to put my foot down and said I was going to wear my natural hair. Throughout the entire summer, she commented and said my hair is nappy. Natural haired people wear their hair in styles like locs, and not out. She didn't like me going places with her, and when I did, she would always comment on my hair telling people, That's how she wants her hair. I don't like it at all...Blah Blah Blah....She even threatened now to take me on vacation with my family if I didn't "braid it up" "or do something to it" Fast Forward to Back to school, I'm now I'm crochet braids...

I really want to wear my natural hair out, I really do. I love my curls alot. But my mom refuses to let me wear out my hair. I tried twist outs, braid-out, mini-twists, wash n gos. Everytime she just will not let me. She says, "When you are 18 and out of my house you can do anything you want with your hair."

I'm sorry if this post is so long...But do you ladies have any advice?

**KoilyLocGirl** · 09-29-2011, 12:30 AM

Welcome to NP.

Sounds like your mother is truly a hater of natural hair, or at least natural hair on you and that's too bad.

To be quick, the first couple things that come to mind is to try sitting down with your mom and letting her know how you feel and why.

Secondly, keep doing what you've previously been doing and use the weaves and braids (think of them as a protective style) for the next couple of years. Two years really isn't that long if you don't dwell on it.

I know it's not a whole lot of advice, and I know it doesn't really give you what you want right now, but currently it's all I have.

Two years later, you've a head full of hair (providing you care for it properly) with which you'll be able to rock plenty of styles, and you'll have met your mother's criteria for wearing your hair natural.

Good luck.

**lin19lyn** · 09-29-2011, 12:34 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you are in love with your natural hair now and want to wear it proudly. However, you still live at home and your mom is trying to control this. Is there a way you can recruit your dad for support? I know you don't want to drive a wedge between your parents but perhaps that will work. If not, you'll probably just have to find a way to appease your mom until you are "old enough" to be able to wear your hair as you please. Have you considered locs? Would that work for you and your mom? ...
Trust me, I went thru the same thing while living at home with my mom and had to wait until I left the house at 18.
Good luck with this.

**cristalvirtue1** · 09-29-2011, 01:47 AM

Originally Posted by KoilyLocGirl

Welcome to NP.

Sounds like your mother is truly a hater of natural hair, or at least natural hair on you and that's too bad.

To be quick, the first couple things that come to mind is to try sitting down with your mom and letting her know how you feel and why.

Secondly, keep doing what you've previously been doing and use the weaves and braids (think of them as a protective style) for the next couple of years. Two years really isn't that long if you don't dwell on it.

I know it's not a whole lot of advice, and I know it doesn't really give you what you want right now, but currently it's all I have.

Two years later, you've a head full of hair (providing you care for it properly) with which you'll be able to rock plenty of styles, and you'll have met your mother's criteria for wearing your hair natural.

Good luck.

This right here. Let me say first that I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. You are strong, and taking a stand, and seemingly at the cost of your relationship with your mother. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Our people have a long history of being demonized and told that we're ugly, from our features, to our hair. Our identities have been taken from us, to the extent that we do not know who we are or WHOSE WE ARE. It sounds like your mother is another casualty. Well, you just be the one chosen by OUR CREATOR to show your mother how to love herself. Tell her her words and actions are hurting you deeply, and that you need her to stop. Tell her that if she loves you (unconditionally), she will stop cutting you down, especially to strangers. If she doesn't, forgive her and wait until you are 18 years old to do as you wish with your hair. And, try a compromise. Kinky twists instead of a Barbie-Doll weave? Braids? Even a curly-textured weave in the meantime? And, stay strong. The love of GOD be with you....

**MommieDearest** · 09-29-2011, 02:15 AM

(((((hugs)))))

I'm pretty much going to echo what the others have already said. You are 16 and in your mama's house, so you have to follow mama's rules. You can alternate wearing braids, kinky twists, yarn braids, etc... If you find a natural hair salon you can get a nice cornrowed or flat twist style, like up in a bun or somethiing. Meanwhile keep your own hair washed and conditioned and moisturized regularly. Two years will be gone before you know it.

You may not believe this right now, but once you are able to start wearing your natural hair "out" and experiment with styles, your mother will eventually appreciate the health and beauty of your hair. She may not say it, but she will recognize.

Good luck to you.

**meraki** · 09-29-2011, 02:41 AM

How do you feel about wigs (like half-wigs)? How does she feel about them? That might be a way for you to look somewhat like she wants you to look when you leave the house, but enjoy your own hair at home.

Good luck to you! Stay strong.

**CottonCrown** · 09-29-2011, 03:25 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother criticizing your natural hair. I know you love your mother, but remember that she is not always right. Your real hair is beautiful, never lose sight of that, no matter what she or anyone else says. In the coming years, it may be hard to maintain your self-love while listening to constant criticism about your hair texture, but no matter who the insults come from, they are not and never will be true. Your true, afro-textured hair is, always has been, and always will be a lovely gift of nature.

I agree with the posters who recommend you moisturize and care for your natural hair under the extensions, then take them out and enjoy your natural tresses when you turn 18. If you take good care of your real hair over the next two years, you'll have a full, healthy head of hair at the end of the road and the freedom to wear it however you like. In the meantime, the most important thing to remember is to keep loving yourself, follicles included.

**YuYu** · 09-29-2011, 02:40 PM

A lot of good advise is already here. I will say, just be glad that she is not mandating that you perm it. That would be a desaster. I agree with the kinky twists, braids, yarn wraps, etc, BUT make sure you take care of YOUR hair and don't let anyone twist, braid, etc your hair too tightly and damage your edges. Two years will be gone before you know it. Good Luck!

**Blazinflames** · 09-29-2011, 03:28 PM

u are bold n unique! keep d advice d sisters have given u. fortunately for u, by 18 u become independent. in my country, there's nothing like that. as long as u continue to be under d care of ur parents whether u live with them or not, u re not at liberty to do what u want. i have liberal parents. my mom dislikes short hair too but be happy if ur dad supports u. u can make him ur companion!

**Kathleen1** · 09-29-2011, 03:30 PM

sigh. mothers like these are extremely annoying (with no exception with my mom).
i wouldnt say to wait till ur 18 exactly. id say, in order to keep your mothers mouth shut for the time being, keep wearing teh extensions for the next year so it get some length (ignit old black folks dont like any hair unless its has length smdh), until your 17, parents start giving a lil extra leeway(?) at 17 (my mom finally let me go to a friends house at 17) and then maybe instead of getting extensions , you braid your own hair.

and at this time u can really start putting your foot down a little harder when it comes your hair, i mean she can't force you not to wear your own damn hair in braids if shes been wanting you in braids extensions...that would be kinda stupid. so yea hope this helps...smh judging by the level of her ignorance im guessing she has little to no hair on her head?

but dont really wait till 18 and move out because anything can happen....my dream since i was little was to get a job and move the hell out my parents house when i was 18....well im 19 and im still here and its hard as hell to get a job right now....sooo..yea.... start asserting yourself as soon as possible because just because u dont pay the mortgage (or rent) doesn't mean u dont deserve any goddamn respect. its sad because i go just ask what kinda of horrible mother insults her daughter like that but im 19 and my mother does that all the time, but not with my hair..

OT: why do Black mothers of past generations take such pleasure in tearing down their own children? lol i don't get it? i don't think i ever will.

but yea i hope this helps.