40 is the new 20 or better Yet!....

**QueenLocks** · 01-29-2012, 03:27 PM

What have you learned in the last 20 years of your life? (that you care to share online anyway) And, what should a woman know/have by age 40-49?

**Savvyone** · 01-30-2012, 03:20 PM

I think it's all relative to the woman.....but for me I remember reading an excerpt from Jane Fonda's book about her life and how in her 60s she had an epiphany about her relationships with men and how she never put herself first, etc....it led me to know that I don't want to wait another 20 years before I am front and center in my own life, which is why after 40 my health started deteriorating (seemed like once I overcame one issue, here comes another)....

it was all because I thought tending to everyone else's needs (even my children) would make me a GREAT woman when doing so was literally killing me.

So I've learned:

I AM FIRST, then and only then can I tend to anyone else....
Life is a constant state of learning and growing, once you stop doing that you may as well give up the ghost....
Loving and forgiving others (even those who have hurt you) FREES you, holding grudges binds you to a miserable existence
Change is good

**EvesDilemma** · 01-30-2012, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Savvyone

.

it was all because I thought tending to everyone else's needs (even my children) would make me a GREAT woman when doing so was literally killing me.

So I've learned:

[*]I AM FIRST, then and only then can I tend to anyone else....[*]Life is a constant state of learning and growing, once you stop doing that you may as well give up the ghost....[*]Loving and forgiving others (even those who have hurt you) FREES you, holding grudges binds you to a miserable existence[*]Change is good

Do you think this tendency for a woman to define her greatness by what she does for others is part of religious circles raising up the Proverbs 31 woman as a model to be attained?

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**chachadiva** · 01-30-2012, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by EvesDilemma

Do you think this tendency for a woman to define her greatness by what she does for others is part of religious circles raising up the Proverbs 31 woman as a model to be attained?

Not at all. There are non-religious/spiritual women that do the same thing. It seems to be some cultural foolishness that women seem to voluntarily buy into. I think there is also some codependency mixed in

I'm saying this as a single, childless woman. I don't understand the disconnect from self. How can you give love when you have nothing left of yourself to give?

Why is taking a walk or having some alone time a bad thing? The title "mother" doesn't make you super human.

The thing is no one tells you to do this. It's certainly not in the scriptures. The Proverbs 31 woman is dynamic but that doesn't mean she is running herself into the ground to the point of her own detriment. That's a false (and somewhat self-aggrandizing ) interpretation of scripture.

**LBellatrix** · 01-30-2012, 03:59 PM

^^nodding and adding a spiritual-but-not-religious AMEN

This is something I'm STILL struggling with. Yes, even though I'm single and child-free and now closer to 50 than 40. Who are the people whose needs I'm supposed to be putting in front of my own? Local community members, students, classmates, co-workers, family members, friends, etc....basically EVERYBODY. One thing I know is that I, and ONLY I, have the power to define my life. Any guilt I feel in defining my choices only impedes my progress. Any shame I allow others to place on me for my choices only impedes my progress.

The one big lesson I learned upon entering my 40s is that a good 98% of things I thought were about me weren't about me. See above.

**chachadiva** · 01-30-2012, 04:13 PM

^Speaking in generalities, what is the source of the guilt and shame? Since when is taking care of yourself a bad thing?

Taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish. I think another part of the equation is women, the choice of identity, and fear of not being loved.

FYI, from a psychological standpoint, WE are the ones that create guilt and shame in our minds. Other people can't "put it on us."

**Denny** · 01-30-2012, 09:23 PM

I can say that I have learned '40 is not the new 20' for me. To me such phrases continues our cultures obsession with being young and worshipping at the culture of deaging as much as possible. Hence I try to stop thinking 'X looks great for 40, 50 or 60 etc ' after all what is a 40, 50 or 60 year old X supposed to look like, who sets these age visual standards - The International Council of Human Aging?
I have no desire to be 20 again, 20 year old Denny and 40 year old Denny would not have gotten on at all, she was such a wimp.

I have learned that other humans are just that, humans, and telling them No does not result in the heavens collapsing, the sun keeps shining, folks still need to eat, sleep, pass gas and go to the bathroom no matter how much money they have in the bank or high their manmade social status in society. We give people power over oursleves because we forget there are billions of other humans on the planet. It is not a case there is one human and everyone else is a demigod that deserves your automatic allegience.

**QueenLocks** · 02-04-2012, 08:38 PM

My 20's - Lessons Learned. ITA w/Denny, 40 is NOT the new 20! I am however changing what I eat, and trying to get back on my workout program.
My 30's - Calming down, reality check, mostly peaceful. So far, the last decade was my best one! (So Far!)

**Lockolatte** · 02-04-2012, 10:26 PM

1. I've learned that I have to live my life without the approval of others. Overthinking and obsessing about what others think of how you are living your life is a waste of time.
2. You never know where life will lead you. Being willing to take chances can open up great opportunities.
3. Live within your means and you will be happier and less stressed out.
4. Don't believe all the generalizations about getting older.

**QueenLocks** · 02-05-2012, 03:15 AM

Originally Posted by Lockolatte

1. I've learned that I have to live my life without the approval of others. Overthinking and obsessing about what others think of how you are living your life is a waste of time.
2. You never know where life will lead you. Being willing to take chances can open up great opportunities.
3. Live within your means and you will be happier and less stressed out.
4. Don't believe all the generalizations about getting older.

The first two really hit home for me! Just an hour ago, I was thinking about #1