Christian Thread..... Testimonies are welcomed!

[ChelWren]

I'm a lurker in this thread. I'm glad it's here for me to learn, worship, and have fellowship with you all.

[~GAN~]

Gan, thanks for that post.

It's made me think again about online churches. Since I don't attend one in the real world, I'd still like to do something.

No problem! Since I don't have a real "church home" right now either, I do like that they have opportunities to still be involved even if you're not actually there. I prayed with one young lady and it was just really rewarding. She actually responded back and said she was moved to tears! We chatted back and forth a few times but it felt good to know that volunteering for this was helpful in some way.

I'm a lurker in this thread. I'm glad it's here for me to learn, worship, and have fellowship with you all.

Hey Chel!! Glad to have you here!

[ChelWren]

Thank you for the welcome!

[NaturalDiva03]

How do you deal with a husband who has no get up? Like you have to ask them are they looking for a job today? I feel like sometimes my prayers are going unheard although I know they are......

We had an argument yesterday and it was in reference to our daughter... Everytime she tries to talk to him it's like he cuts her off and basically dismisses her like what she has to say isn't important.... Then later on I called her upfront and asked what was wrong she said she didn't feel like getting her hair done I said I know but it has to be done. He says from the kitchen he isnt about to do her hair then he comes over and starts rough housing and she began to whine and cry I go please don't bother her she doesn't feel like being bothered plus I was having an ear ache so I really didn't want to hear it myself....so he keeps bothering her to the point where she is down on the floor hysterically crying so I jump up and pull her up and he grabs both of our arms and basically separates us she's still crying and he's cursing at both of us he forces her into her room and I'm telling him that if she doesn't feel like being bothered with just leave her alone..... He goes into her room and continues to talk down to her telling her that she is a child and that he can talk to her how he feels and that he don't care if she ain't feeling bothered....

I know this isn't the marriage thread but at times I'm like why does he treat us like this? Other fathers when they are aggravating their daughters they coddle them and tell them I'm sorry he never does that. She loves him sooooooooo much and I doubt that his love for her. But why do you feel like you have to curse at a child? Like really? Last night y'all have no idea how much bodily harm I wanted to do to him.... I've told him time and time again that I feel like he verbally abuses us but of course he doesn't see it that way.... I think he has a chemical imbalance somewhere.


He knows that I'm back in the church... He went last Sunday and just sat there looking out of place. I know that when you want to be in the world the word will not appeal to you but it's like he finds something wrong with every church we've been to. He said they sang too much like really? That's the highest form of praise to me. Or get this he doesn't like Gospel music ok I can understand that because if your not of the church it will not appeal to you but most people enjoy the worship over the sermon.

I know they say to continue to pray for your spouse but when have you prayed enough? I know your not supposed to give up but I believe some days it's a lost cause like why even bother? You don't treat those you love with such disrespect. And you don't treat your daughter like that to me the father is the first man that a daughter loves and he sets the path as to how she should be treated by a man. And what stays in my mind replaying is where he tells her that he can basically talk to her how he pleases....



Sorry for the rant and I know that this isn't the marriage thread but since I've found my way back to God I'd rather get a perspective from like minded people....

[~GAN~]

^^That's rough ND03. I think your feelings are totally validated. To me, it sounds like he is just frustrated with the fact that he doesn't have a job and he's taking it out on you and your daughter. I'm not sure how long he has been out of work, but I know that has to take a huge toll on a man (speaking from experience from a similar situation). I don't think there is anything you can really do but keep praying and just hope that something will come around for him. Nothing excuses his actions though. You gotta keep praying for him and be encouraging, but I wouldn't let him get away with saying whatever he wants without calling him out on it.

The good thing is, this will pass. Its his own storm he's going through and he doesn't seem to be handling it very well. I will keep you all in my prayers, I know this is a very difficult situation to be in, but encourage him when things are calm as much as you can and be supportive as much as you can. Hopefully he will stay on top of finding a job.

When I was going through a similar situation, there wasn't anything I could say or do that would make him feel better. I just had to let him go through the motions. He heard my complaints and I tried to stay positive as much as I could, but I had to let him know when things got out of line. I hated that there wasn't anything I could *do*. I just had to sit back and let things happen. The good thing is, when something finally came through, he felt much better and the storm passed. Hang in there!!!

ETA: one more thing, is there anything you could do to show that you appreciate him? Like maybe just doing something nice for him just so that he knows he is valued...as hard as that is when you get upset with him, maybe its worth a try. Something to lift his spirits up a little.

[lambchop]

Hi ND...

First, I do want you to know that I am single so I may not have the insight that GAN and some of the other ladies have. But I hear your heart and I love the Lord so I'll offer what I can. First, I would like to commend you on your commitment to making your marriage work. There's nothing easy about being married as we were born as one person and that's how we're used to operating. When we have to learn to be as one with another person, that is no easy task even if the two people are in agreement spiritually. Your situation is SO much more difficult to navigate because not only are you and your husband in different places spiritually, he seems to be a bit resentful of your peace, which causes him to do what he can to bring you out of it. If he could just be indifferent to Christ until he eventually came around, it would be easier for you to deal with I'm sure. But he's angry and doesn't know who to be angry with and you're able to walk around like everything's fine because of this God you talk about but he doesn't even have a job. So he probably wonders why he should believe such an entity exists when 'God' certainly is doing anything for him so why should he be so gung-ho about a 'God.' Meanwhile, you're praising and worshipping and I'm assuming things are happening in your life and you never lose your praise and it bothers him because it looks like you aren't on his side. Then when you ignore his 'woe-is-me' sessions (if he has those because I can't say I know he does but usually this is what I've seen), he figures the only way he can get your attention is to show all of his behind like he did in the scenario you described. It can become a vicious circle after a while. How long has it been like this? Were you saved when you got married (did you marry him knowing he wasn't saved and you were?). Or, did you get saved in the middle of the marriage?

Let me just say, I'm always in favor of doing whatever possible to save a marriage but I also believe as Christians, we sometimes put a burden on wives that God would not. I do understand what GAN is saying. A man not having a job can often mean troubled waters for a family as it is a major part of their identity. But even in that, they need to know when it's time to rein some of that anger in and step away. Did your husband just adopt these issues after he lost his job? With you and your husband, this may have little to do with a job. I don't know. But I don't know if my advice would be to simply 'hang in there.' He's being abusive and emotional abuse is still abuse. I would say try and stay with your husband but with some boundaries, especially since there is a child involved. It's easier to stay in certain situations when you only have your own emotions to consider. First (and you may have already done this so forgive me if I've missed some common knowledge shared in your posts), ask him if he still wants his family. Are you guys still important to him and is he willing to make you his first priority. He doesn't have to believe in God to do these things either. This would mean that his job would actually be looking for a job and he would do that every day without your having to ask. Then, you could employ GAN's suggestion. When you see that he's been faithfully looking for a job (even if it's just for one day), you can make a GREAT BIG DEAL about it and throw a mini celebration however you chose to do it but treat him like he just went out and saved the world. This will more than likely change his attitude a bit and cause him to see looking for a job in a different light. This way, you aren't just rewarding him for acting a butthole, but you're celebrating something that actually makes you happy and eventually, will make him happy as well. But in general, there should be some guidelines...ie you have to stop cursing our daughter out or really whatever is more important to you because only you would know that. I think right now, even more important than seeing your husband develop a relationship with Christ, it's so important that he starts to show more basic respect towards you and your daughter. And you can't feel guilty for expecting that. If we were in the times of Jesus walking the earth and you approached him with the story you just told us, do you think Jesus would just tell you to keep up the good work and he'll get better eventually? I don't think He would. I think Jesus would call your husband to some accountability. All those people just knew Jesus was going to condemn to death that women who committed adultery because that was the law in those times. But the other half of that law was that both man and woman be put to death and they only brought Jesus the woman to be stoned. Everything is not always black and white with God. He's concerned about your emotions and He's especially concerned about your daughter's emotions and her well-being, more so than even you are beause she belonged to him first.

I guess my final answer is: Let your goal be a successful marriage but remember that you can't accomplish that alone. Yes, God's grace is sufficient. I'm not saying otherwise. But talk to HIM about your next steps and ask for wisdom. Spend some time fasting and praying. And I"m sure you will be at peace with the decisons you make thereafter.

[~GAN~]

Lambchop, I think you gave great advice, married or not! =) I really didn't mean for my post to indicate that she shouldn't put the responsibility on him. I apologize if it came off that way. Just from seeing your other posts ND03, I know that you want to make it work and you didn't seem like you wanted to leave or anything like that so I was trying to come from that POV. I would never condone abuse in any form and if he is abusive verbally, mentally, physically, then in my opinion it isn't worth staying, especially for your daughter's sake. When I read the situation, I guess I read it a little different and didn't understand the extent.

I was thinking about when my husband told me that he had to go through that time on his own and there wasn't any amount of encouraging I could do to change how he felt. I figured that was some kind of "man thing". He never put his hands on me and was never abusive in anyway, but he had his moments where he wasn't pleasant to be around. I did give him an ultimatum though and was prepared to end the relationship if need be.

I totally agree with lambchop though. He does need to be held accountable. I just don't know what else you can do if you choose to stay with him. I really don't like to say "just keep praying" because I know that is so not comforting when you have been doing so, but I didn't want to say leave him if that's not what you wanted to do. So sorry if my post came off wrong! I sincerely apologize!

[NaturalDiva03]

Oh no GAN I haven't responded because I'm on my iPad but Iam you both gave outstanding advice no harm done at all. Lamb chop thank you as well because although you're not married you were still able to articulate your thoughts and feelings and I really appreciate that.

But me and Dijah will be going to Bible Study tonight.... Can't wait.

[lambchop]

GAN, I think you are very wise so I never thought of you as one to condone abuse. I wasn't saying that about you personally. I'm saying I've seen many pastors/ministers/churches make women feel bad for wanting to escape unhealthy situations. I don't even know if ND considers her marriage in that manner because I don't know her as well as you do so I was taking a chance and praying I didn't offend her. For me, posting what I did was difficult because I'm a big fan of making marriages work and I'm usually the first one to tell my married girlfriends that they are overreacting or hindering their men from being men. I hate to see that. I am usually Team Man all the way. I want to be married sooo much and I hate it when women who are married seem indifferent, are so willing to just treat the covenant any kind of way, and idly stand by and watch its demise. That's why I made sure I told ND how impressed I am that she is really trying to put the work in while seeking the Lord at the same time. So just as you hope you didn't come off as telling someone to stay in an abusive situation, I am hoping I didn't come off as that "Girrrrl, you don't need no man. You can do bad all by yo'sef' type of chick because that is not who I am.

I never wanted ND to think I was saying leave him because I wasn't. Sometimes we just have to be really still and know that He is God and expect Him to give us the answers we need. He won't just tell you to stay without telling you how to stay and He won't tell you to leave if this is all just a part of your process. Sometimes God uses what means most to us to draw us closer to Him. Maybe if you weren't having the problems you're having in your marriage, just maybe, you wouldn't be praying as much or worshipping as much. (?) Who knows? But God could be allowing some of this tomfoolery just to deepen His relationship with you and to further prove to you that He is God. That's why you have to "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding." Only He can tell you what this really is because I'm the first to admit, my human eyes could be seeing the wrong thing.

Anyway, ND, I hope you didn't think I was urging you to leave your husband. I was really trying to say that whatever you choose, pray for wisdom and let there be no guilt either way. If God says stay, you can't feel guilty when hubby gets into arguments with daughter because God has great things in store for her as well and He can also use her dad to draw her closer to Him. If God says leave, you can't feel guilty because you took her away from him. If you stay out of uncertainty, know that God's grace is sufficient. Just make sure you believe you heard from the Lord before you act. That way, you can't be condemned for God says there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and who shall lay charge to my elect? You are His elect and no one shall lay charge against you!

[~GAN~]

@Lambchop....whoever your husband will be will be a lucky man! You make way more sense than most married women do! I know people say that your single friends shouldn't give advice in regards to marriages but I don't agree with that because in some cases there are very valuable things to be said. I think your input was great!

@ND03 I hope that bible study goes well! I honestly believe that things will work out for you guys. You are trying your best to make it work. I know its frustrating right now but he has to know he is in the wrong and probably feels bad. I think lambchop described his antics to a tee! lol! If he wants whats best for the family, he will come to his senses, man up, and do what he needs to do.