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  1. #11
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    My bf is going thru this now (she's 39yo) and is very frustrated! Her hubby is 42, morbidly obese with sleep apnea (latter undiagnosed since he refuses to see a physician) and has almost no sex drive. She complains she always has to initiate and when they get to the point of actually consummating (maybe once every couple months) she says "its horrible".
    She is currently "talking" to a guy she used to work with and is at the point of cheating on her hubby. Keeps asking me for advice (I'm single, celibate, and satisfied lol...cant help her) so I figured I'd poll women going thru the same. She's been married about 7 years, with two kids (3yo and 2yo). She says she's always had a hi drive, and her hubby's was always lagging but has pretty much disappeared now.

    Suggestions? I've already bought her a rabbit...but she says its not helping.

    pS sorry to hijack, OP, I try not to intrude in this forum so I didnt want to start my own thread.

  2. #12
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    I'm not sure about what to advise for her hubby except he get straight away to a sleep clinic...I was diagnosed in 2007 and have lowered my apneas considerably through exercise and diet changes (still have more work to do though ) but if he's refusing to see a doctor at all...ugh...that's playing with fire!
    "The soul takes flight to the world that is invisible, but there arriving she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise." - Plato


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  4. #13
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    One thing I like to stress as a layman is that sexual dysfunction and/or indifference (for those males who aren't asexual) is a great symptom but it is "generally" never the real problem.

    Everything that can be wrong with a male, in every facet of wellness, can affect his ability to perform and/or sustain a healthy interest. It's super cool and often genuine to acknowledge that someone became concerned about a person's (if not their own) health as suggested through highlighted symptoms, but there may not be a quick or specific fix which will last that doesn't involve upkeeping overall (and not just physical and/or aesthetic) wellness.

    ETA: Hormone testing and replacement therapy (along with sustainable diet and exercise) is often a decent starting point though because men's hormone levels typically steadily crash after a rather young age (mid twenties?) and it affects their ability to avoid depression, heal, sustain sexual interest, produce other hormones which help them produce other hormones, etc.

    Combine that with social and interpersonal emasculation and some men can either become defeated or get down right desperate to boost their hormone levels (whoring, gambling, dangerous competition, hyperdominance in repressed/oppressed male demographics, domestic violence, etc).
    Last edited by Intellexual; 01-15-2013 at 09:50 PM.
    If your import amid discussion is to ridicule, sabotage, and/or dismiss, you will no longer receive the privilege of my attention. Passive aggressive behaviors are a defense mechanism of oppressed and ultimately even self-defeated persons. Disregarding and/or ridiculing the concerns of others doesn't legitimize or address your own. You have betrayed a critical trust I must have in you that you are engaging or asking of me to enhance each of our perspectives rather than ridicule mine or reaffirm your own biases. Express your own concerns and/or support your own ideals. Your antics reek of repression and aren't constructive.

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  6. #14
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    twix36 is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    ^^Interesting Intel...
    Formerly known as New2natural1

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    twix36 is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savantrice View Post
    My bf is going thru this now (she's 39yo) and is very frustrated! Her hubby is 42, morbidly obese with sleep apnea (latter undiagnosed since he refuses to see a physician) and has almost no sex drive. She complains she always has to initiate and when they get to the point of actually consummating (maybe once every couple months) she says "its horrible".
    She is currently "talking" to a guy she used to work with and is at the point of cheating on her hubby. Keeps asking me for advice (I'm single, celibate, and satisfied lol...cant help her) so I figured I'd poll women going thru the same. She's been married about 7 years, with two kids (3yo and 2yo). She says she's always had a hi drive, and her hubby's was always lagging but has pretty much disappeared now.

    Suggestions? I've already bought her a rabbit...but she says its not helping.

    pS sorry to hijack, OP, I try not to intrude in this forum so I didnt want to start my own thread.
    This is a tough one. I don't advocate cheating...ever. In my younger days when asked "what is a person to do if their spouse doesn't want sex?" I used to say the spouse just has to go without but now I'm not sure how I would handle that. It is such an awesome part of a relationship and I can't imagine loving someone, especially being married and not sharing sexual intimacy on a regular basis.

    I hope your friend and her husband get some help and can work things out, together.
    Formerly known as New2natural1

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  9. #16
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    It wouldn't likely end their relationship if she let him know that she's no longer going to constrain herself to a monogamous relationship and will keep him sufficiently informed as a matter of sexual health (staying tested when active outside of their marriage) rather than social commentary. In many instances, just getting that off one's chest could kill the passion for someone else.

    Deception of a companion with whom there's tension, passive aggressive infidelity via sharing any intimate knowledge and/or resources outside of the relationship, and being lusted by someone who doesn't have the burden of knowing you well enough could lend toward "cheating" more than a pure sexual hunger (even if that core desire stems from the tension and/or stress of confronting a lack of compelling sexual and emotional intimacy).

    She can let him know that she is open to the possibility of choosing (of her own volition) to try monogamy again. She can let him know that his sexual disinterest is a factor but a turnabout or placation thereof may not predetermine her own choices. The major problem in those instances seems to be the deception and pretending to ask for something while defaulting to a repressed and submissive companion (my husband made the selfish choice and I suffered because I was being obedient) and/or being passive aggressive rather than deferential.

    From my personal experiences, including being physically assaulted and campaigned against by people who fancied themselves in a loving dynamic with me, it's a much stronger position to be portrayed as the "bad guy" with your dignity and integrity intact than to call an audible mid-relationship without telling everyone else on the team, letting them look stupid, and THEN leveling with them about your choices. I've never had to do the latter, but I also never had to suffer the related consequences.
    Last edited by Intellexual; 01-16-2013 at 12:05 AM.
    If your import amid discussion is to ridicule, sabotage, and/or dismiss, you will no longer receive the privilege of my attention. Passive aggressive behaviors are a defense mechanism of oppressed and ultimately even self-defeated persons. Disregarding and/or ridiculing the concerns of others doesn't legitimize or address your own. You have betrayed a critical trust I must have in you that you are engaging or asking of me to enhance each of our perspectives rather than ridicule mine or reaffirm your own biases. Express your own concerns and/or support your own ideals. Your antics reek of repression and aren't constructive.

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  11. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savantrice View Post
    My bf is going thru this now (she's 39yo) and is very frustrated! Her hubby is 42, morbidly obese with sleep apnea (latter undiagnosed since he refuses to see a physician) and has almost no sex drive. She complains she always has to initiate and when they get to the point of actually consummating (maybe once every couple months) she says "its horrible".
    She is currently "talking" to a guy she used to work with and is at the point of cheating on her hubby. Keeps asking me for advice (I'm single, celibate, and satisfied lol...cant help her) so I figured I'd poll women going thru the same. She's been married about 7 years, with two kids (3yo and 2yo). She says she's always had a hi drive, and her hubby's was always lagging but has pretty much disappeared now.

    Suggestions? I've already bought her a rabbit...but she says its not helping.

    pS sorry to hijack, OP, I try not to intrude in this forum so I didnt want to start my own thread.
    That must be tough! I'm fortunate that even though my hubby's got some weight to lose (thankfully he's not morbidly obese, though) and has also been diagnosed with sleep apnea, he is keeping up!

    I once had clients who were experiencing something similar. We came up with a plan, in therapy, that included planned sexual encounters, some of which did not include intercourse. The husband agreed that if he did not have the energy to actively engage in intercourse at least _'x'_ number of times per week (the number changed often during the course of therapy), he would join his wife in manual and or oral pleasuring each time they had a "date" and he was not able (or willing) to fully oblige.

    After some time, their sex life improved because the husband was becoming so stimulated by the other activities that it motivated him to make some changes that improved his energy level.

    Don't know if that will help them, but it's worth a try if they're willing. I'm with twix36 - I don't advocate cheating unless that's what both members of the couple want.

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  13. #18
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    Her hubby comes from a family that doesnt take care of their health (Two of his elder brothers have died in the past two years from diabetes related complications), and I think he feels (knows?) going in at this juncture, they will just be doing diagnosing of whatever health problems he has and he's probably scared. His family was very poor coming up, so he just didnt grow up with that as a priority. (youngest, oops baby, of eight...mother had a 6th grade education, dad had high school. Never grew up hearing "i love you", etc)

    Meanwhile, my gf grew up firmly middle class (college educated parents, one other siblings, jack and jill, etc)...and has chronic asthma so she grew up getting check ups and its 2nd nature. Her family set goals, and everyone was held accountable to their goals (even her parents). She was/is spoiled, and her Dad still calls her just to say "I love you" She likes to joke that his family is more Good Times and hers was the Cosby Show, and I see it.

    Anyway, they've done counseling but it just became a forum for her to air issues, and him shut down. I've recommended grief counseling for him (alone), and them maybe attending church together (the one I recommended has extensive outreach, and I think counseling)...but he doesnt maintain that stuff. I really like your suggestion CCmomof5....I told her to do something similar but with no penetrative sex (maybe manual stimulation...but just to reestablish intimacy, since I think that's part of her issue?) and I figured saying no penetration up front would take some of the pressure of him. I will bring it up again....not sure if she even tried it?

    I feel like they're both being selfish. But she's my friend, so I hear her perspective. I've tried to tell her she might be more satisfied channeling the energy wasted on this other dude, back into her marriage. But she's angry because she feels like he's not meeting her halfway, and she's tired of "having the same problems". The sexual thing is the biggest, but there are others.

    She's mentioned divorce, and so has he...but that's it. I told her whatever she decides to do, she's not doing it in a vacuum...her whole family will be affected.
    And I've told her only 1 of 2 things will happen with cheating:
    1. It will suck, and you'll feel guilty as hell about it....
    2. It will be great, and you will want to continue to do it.....

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  15. #19
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    ^ Your advice seems good to me, copy this on the marriage site and see what the married folks think? I'm wondering if the best thing is for her to be honest with her husband, no one's needs/expectations seem to met in this marriage.
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  16. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Savantrice View Post
    Anyway, they've done counseling but it just became a forum for her to air issues, and him shut down. I've recommended grief counseling for him (alone), and them maybe attending church together (the one I recommended has extensive outreach, and I think counseling)...but he doesnt maintain that stuff. I really like your suggestion CCmomof5....I told her to do something similar but with no penetrative sex (maybe manual stimulation...but just to reestablish intimacy, since I think that's part of her issue?) and I figured saying no penetration up front would take some of the pressure of him. I will bring it up again....not sure if she even tried it?

    I feel like they're both being selfish. But she's my friend, so I hear her perspective. I've tried to tell her she might be more satisfied channeling the energy wasted on this other dude, back into her marriage. But she's angry because she feels like he's not meeting her halfway, and she's tired of "having the same problems". The sexual thing is the biggest, but there are others.

    She's mentioned divorce, and so has he...but that's it. I told her whatever she decides to do, she's not doing it in a vacuum...her whole family will be affected.
    And I've told her only 1 of 2 things will happen with cheating:
    1. It will suck, and you'll feel guilty as hell about it....
    2. It will be great, and you will want to continue to do it.....
    Thinking and typing here...so not the most well written:

    What's interesting to me is that even with just being with her husband every few weeks and it being "horrible" that toys don't, at least, help her take the edge off. That sort of worries me because you can learn a lot about yourself and preferences if you can take care of things on your own. Also, this would help clear her head and relax her. Maybe it's her age. (I'm older than her BTW, so it's not an age judgment.) If she never took care of herself in this way regularly she might simply not comfortable with it. (It takes time and education - reading blogs and sites that talk about it.) There are so many different sorts of things out there that I'm a bit worried that she's saying nothing is helping. Is she setting the mood? Making sure the kids won't bother her and that the hubby is gone or will leave her alone for a bit? It's not the same as being with someone, but it can work. For me, it indicates that she's got some issues too. Also, depending on how progressive her husband is, that's a way for him to help her if he can't do it physically, he can assist. (And, yes, that's exactly what I mean: he sees how she likes things and then takes over.) It just seems like that could be an effective way to buy some time while they sort things out.

    To the issue of an affair, is it remotely possible that he'd be open to her seeking sex outside the marriage? I think it might be too progressive for him if he can't even handle taking care of himself and looking after his health. Ideally, she should be able to say this without guilt and without getting beat up by society. I just doubt that he'd go for it, so her only options are what you've stated: 1) cheat or 2) leave him. Both of those seem so extreme when it really does seem like this is all something within his control if he just chooses to step up. However, now that I think about it. Even if he claimed it would be okay, I sense he'd actually resent it if he knew.
    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it." - Chinese Proverb

    "Fall seven times a day, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

    “All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.” - African Proverb

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