Beating Black Kids Revisited...If Ya'll Don't Mind

[Red DeSTiny]

I don't know how I missed that thread when it was open.

I am a new parent -- son is a year old. I live in a small, southern town, and all I know is to whip kids. I am a teacher, and the kids I see who do not get spanked are the worst kids -- defiant, negative attitudes, curse parents and teachers, just horrible little people. With that said, I have been on the fence about whipping mine long before I had any. My husband believes in not sparing the rod and believes if we don't whip him he will whip us. I am at a lost. I don't want to spank, but I don't want a kid who does not know right from wrong or how to obey authority, me, teachers, or other adults.

I am looking for as much advice on alternative methods to whipping that can be given. I really don't want to spank my child, but that is all I know. What are effective methods?

[FaithNPraise]

Go you for looking for alternatives!

Get Off Your Butt Parenting - it's really that simple, don't just sit there in your comfy spot on the couch and bark orders at your child...GET OFF YOUR BUTT and work with them. If they are going towards the stove or that cabinet you don't want them in, get off your butt and remove them from it. Don't tell them what they can't do, tell them what they can do and play with.

Arms of Love Family Fellowship - Crystal's entire site is good, this particular page talks about the truth behind the "spare the rod" that you mentioned your husband believes in (which isn't biblical but misconstrued as scripture all.the.time.)

re:spanking vs. not spanking - unfortunately there are extremists in each camp that seem to get more publicity. Not everyone who spanks abuses and not everyone who doesn't allows their kids to walk all over them. There are well behaved children who act right because they want to and know that their parents respect them, I'd much rather my children be in that camp than behave as zombies because they are afraid of me "whupping" them for acting up.

[NappilyT]

Parenting has it's challenges. We're in the same boat, spanking is all I've seen. However, I rarely spank my children. Spanking (far from some of the abuse I've seen) them often comes as a very last resort when talking, redirecting, and guiding have not gotten any results for a particular situation. My daughter is 6 and my son is 2. I'd say we're doing pretty well without frequent spankings.
Normally, I just redirect them and/or I tell them what they are doing wrong and make sure I explain exactly why its wrong and what the consequences might be (such as if they keep flicking a light switch, they need to know the light may stop working and they will have to be in the dark until it is replaced).
Our schedules are tight, so I can always find something for them to do, once I've stopped misbehavior. Before long, it's bedtime. Anyway, if talking doesn't work, I personally threaten with a spanking and since my daughter has had them before, I usually never have to actually spank her. I punish her as well, usually by forbidding her time to play with her neighborhood friends. That usually results in her trying her best to please me and asking me every day if she can go and play now....even if she hasn't played with them lately in the first place. HTH.

[Micheli]

At 1 year old, what could your child possibly pick up from spanking other than pain?

Having been abused, I do not care for beatings. A parent who beats their children is no more than a child themselves (imo). Just think, if you were on the job and you did something your boss didn't like. Would you tolerate a beating? (This is just a general you, no one specific.)

My son (3 yrs old) has picked up this awful habit of hitting ppl out of the blue. I don't hit him, but he just thinks it's so much fun to knock ppl's glasses off and smack the be-geezus out of them. So after many weeks of grabbing his hands and saying NO as strictly as I could and seeing little result, I resorted to smacking his hands. The first time I did it, he went into hysterics and really lashed out. Then next 2 times I smacked his hands he looked at me like I was crazy.

So, I conferred with his therapists and teachers to find a solution knowing they weren't going to hit him back if he hit them but knowing that wasn't behavior they would tolerate.

I tried both their techniques and so far the teachers' seems to work best. I put my hands on my son's and say NO HANDS. And he stops hitting...at least for a while. I find this method better than screaming and hitting as it sets up a system of communication rather than rabid emotion.

With kids, there is a lot of ground to work with. One not need be overly agressive with them nor overly passive. You must also consider your child's personality. Some kids recover quite nicely from a firm spanking (as opposed to a bloody beating), while others are shattered well into adulthood. But I do believe most children respond well to verbal rationale.

It's interesting how some ppl get all up in arms about beating a dog, but think nothing of bruising their children.

Compassion and love will always win out over brutality. Well, that's just my opinion.

[Micheli]

Go you for looking for alternatives!
[URL="http://goybparenting.com/"]


re:spanking vs. not spanking - unfortunately there are extremists in each camp that seem to get more publicity. Not everyone who spanks abuses and not everyone who doesn't allows their kids to walk all over them. There are well behaved children who act right because they want to and know that their parents respect them, I'd much rather my children be in that camp than behave as zombies because they are afraid of me "whupping" them for acting up.

Or have them plotting to kill you in your sleep!

[MommieDearest]

Ah, to spank or not to spank....

Every child is different. What works for one may not work for the other. I've seen this dynamic for children that live in the same household. LOL! My advice is to get to know your child (it sounds strange, but as a parent it is your job to figure your child out and determine what makes him tick), then develop a discipline plan that fits with your child's temperament. It will take a while, and trial and error, but stick with it. Once you find something that works, use it and BE CONSISTENT.

My child is 7 and I have spanked him and have used other forms of punishment. As someone upthread mentioned, I can use the threat of a spanking (as a last resort) and since he KNOWS I can and will do it, the threat alone usually works. But the vast majority of the time I use punishments, like taking away TV, video games, computer, outside time, making him miss a party he was invited to, cancelling a playdate, etc... I remember when he got brand new at Sea World. I told him to stop it or we would leave. He kept it up, so I took him out of the park and we sat in the car for 3 hours while we waited on my sister and her kids to finish up and come out.

Which brings me to what I believe is the best disciplining advice I can give- never, EVER, make a threat to your child that you can't or won't carry out. Always, ALWAYS follow through, even if it causes you pain and inconvenience. If you say "You need to stop doing <fill in the blank> or else we will leave the party" be prepared to leave the party the next time your kid does <fill in the blank>. Empty threats are the worst, because your child will figure out that you aren't serious and will simply ignore you. Then you will have a bigger problem on your hands.

ETA: A very important part of disciplining your child is acknowledging and rewarding good behavior. Catch your child in the act of being good, and let him know how much you appreciate it and how proud you are of him. Positive reinforcement works, because all (well, most...) children want to please their parents and they want their parents' approval. Also, positive reinforcement adds balance to punishments that are given out.

[Trenellm]

I don't know how I missed that thread when it was open.

I am a new parent -- son is a year old. I live in a small, southern town, and all I know is to whip kids. I am a teacher, and the kids I see who do not get spanked are the worst kids -- defiant, negative attitudes, curse parents and teachers, just horrible little people. With that said, I have been on the fence about whipping mine long before I had any. My husband believes in not sparing the rod and believes if we don't whip him he will whip us. I am at a lost. I don't want to spank, but I don't want a kid who does not know right from wrong or how to obey authority, me, teachers, or other adults.

I am looking for as much advice on alternative methods to whipping that can be given. I really don't want to spank my child, but that is all I know. What are effective methods?

That may have more to do with lack of parenting rather than lack of spanking.

We don't spank, and our child is very-well behaved. Never had any problems while at school. A simple "Stop that" is all it takes. Now he might try to plead his case in WHY he wants to do a certain thing, but he will mind me.

I did time outs when he was little. (He is 6 now) . It's not easy. You have to stay on them constantly. At times, I was very frustrated, and thought about spanking. But, I feel that would be more about my frustration and very little to do with me teaching him.

I did a lot of explaining and talking why a certain behavior is not acceptable. I also tried not to put him situations that would be trying to a toddler. ie a long day of errands and shopping. That just leads to two pissed off people.

I try to be firm, but fair. Guiding but not stifling.

Consistency is key, also.

[Claire76]

I don't have kids, but I've worked with young people and met several little ones via various circumstances (friends, church, etc.). The fact that a child acts out is (often) a result of how they are raised and disciplined. Not whether or not their parents spank(ed) them.

[Bithiya]

I don't know how I missed that thread when it was open.

I am a new parent -- son is a year old. I live in a small, southern town, and all I know is to whip kids. I am a teacher, and the kids I see who do not get spanked are the worst kids -- defiant, negative attitudes, curse parents and teachers, just horrible little people. With that said, I have been on the fence about whipping mine long before I had any. My husband believes in not sparing the rod and believes if we don't whip him he will whip us. I am at a lost. I don't want to spank, but I don't want a kid who does not know right from wrong or how to obey authority, me, teachers, or other adults.

I am looking for as much advice on alternative methods to whipping that can be given. I really don't want to spank my child, but that is all I know. What are effective methods?

There is much truth to what you have presented in the Original Post. That being said, it is difficult to cast judgement, from outside a family's household, the sliver of childrearing practices one sees at any given moment.

I have one child; he is now 22 1/2 years old.
When I look back on his childhood, I remember the long hours I had to put in and how I cherished every day, evening, and night that I didn't have to go to work; we spent those days together.
When I had to work, he was with the babysitter, who is his paternal second cousin, at school, or with family - usually his father's family, sometimes my family.
He would be at his dad's when there were stretches of time off in his dad's work schedule or in the school calendar.
Both of us took the time to listen to him when he spoke, and never quashed his questions - of which there were many In fact, I answered every question he asked, right through middle school.
I am not saying this resulted in his never being spanked, but it forged sturdy emotional bonds that made it unnecessary to resort to the frequent, desperate, mercurial meting-out of corporal punishments.

In my experience, some form of corporal control is necessary during what I call the "hypermobile-nonverbal" toddler stage of development. Young children in this age group can walk/run rapidly into irreversibly damaging, even lethal, situations; every adult in the vicinity must be ready to MOVE & ACT in a FLASH. It was one of those situations that led to me giving my son his first spanking, a few days prior to his second birthday.

It is the duty of both parents to spend enough personal, one-on-one time with the child, in calm, routine times and potentially challenging times, in order to be ready to determine, on the fly, what is most effective for the child in both routine and unexpected scenarios.
I emphasize the time component, because I think that is missing or subpar in many families. I mean families of all backgrounds and socioeconomic groups - not just black or white or working-mother or absent-father families.

I think substance use, resentment of the other parent, and rigid mindset on the parents' part are the driving forces behind many of the hysterical, over-the-top, raging, full-force beatings given to children by adults.

So, what is at stake? Here it is, in a nutshell:
What you don't want is to end up with a child who will not obey you. This results in public embarrassment and yelling & hoarseness on your part; poor school performance on the child's part - which reflects on you; and a tween/adolescent/adult who refuses to take your advice, yet has to navigate this cold, dangerous world.
What you don't want is to end up with a child of any age who will not come immediately when you call him/her once. This can be lethal, or at least socially damaging.
What you don't want is to end up with a child of any age who will not stop talking when you intimate it to him/her once. This can be lethal, or at least socially damaging.
What you don't want is to end up with a child of any age who feels s/he cannot confide in you; this results in the child finding others, who don't have the same stake in his/her welfare, becoming his/her confidants - or having no confidants - which leads to a whole slew of emotional, financial, and social problems.

I make no bones about what is at stake, because new parents can easily get caught up in the latest pop literature/fads on childrearing, and lose sight of what parenting is really about - which is raising your newborn to become a healthy, responsible, contributing member of both his/her family and of the larger society, to the best of his/her ability.

[NappilyT]

Ah, to spank or not to spank....

ETA: A very important part of disciplining your child is acknowledging and rewarding good behavior. Catch your child in the act of being good, and let him know how much you appreciate it and how proud you are of him. Positive reinforcement works, because all (well, most...) children want to please their parents and they want their parents' approval. Also, positive reinforcement adds balance to punishments that are given out.

Good point. This can sometimes be forgotten. I've made a habit of reinforcing good behavior immediately following any bad behaviors as well. When my child is misbehaving and I get them to stop, as soon as they do I make sure I say thank you m'am, thank you, or much better; I immediately change my tone from being stern/disapproving to approving/appreciative and I may/may not add a smile.