Help! My Life is a Mess!

[melaniemat]

I never thought at 43 I would be where I am. My finances are a mess, my credit is jacked, I'm an emotional wreck, my apartment is a mess, and I'm lonely. I'm working two jobs, and because I have no discipline, I end up spending my "extra" funds on stuff I don't need, rather than putting it toward savings. I want to go back to school, but I can't seem to get it together. I have so many things that I want to change about my life, but I lack will power and motivation, and I really don't even know where to begin.

I don't know if this is a vent, but I am open to any and all suggestions. Thanks

[Scribetastic]

Sorry you're feeling down. All I can say is one thing at a time. Just from reading your post I was overwhelmed, so I imagine you feel the same way.

You're going to have to get some discipline.

As for spending and credit I'm in the same age range as you. I've always been a bit of a spendthrift and shopping can spiral out of control with me real fast. I learned but my credit did take a hit. I stopped that cycle though probably more because I was living abroad and it was just harder to spend, spend, spend. When I got back the economy sucked, so I started working for myself. Things were tight. Now that they're not as much those habit are sticking. Because I was moving I checked my credit in late December and was pleasantly surprised, so it can be done. There are also services that will help you.

One thing at a time. With school there are free resources online where you can start. There are also things you can study on your own. It just depends on what it is. If formal school is required, consider community college first. It's cheaper and you can transfer in if a 4 year degree is what you're seeking.

It's hard to give specifics because you did vent and that's fine. We all need to from time to time.

I really think you need to step back, set some reachable goals, and attack things systematically. All of my work is online these days, but I'd crumble if I didn't simply make a list of things to do and crossed them off as I go.

[chachadiva]

((HUGS))

Sorry you're having a hard time. The good thing is that everything you mentioned can be corrected or fixed. You have 2 jobs and a home. You're doing better than a lot of people.

Credit can be fixed. Bills can be paid. Homes can be cleaned. New friends can be found. Reach out for help. You don't have to go about life alone.

I'm not sure if you're the type of person that has a hard time thinking in a cluttered/dirty environment. If that's the case, consider hiring a cleaning person or ask a friend to come help you clean. That could be step #1. With a clean environment, maybe you'll feel energized to tackle some of the other stuff on your list.

[outremount]

It sounds like you are going through a depressed phase Melaniemat. When people are experiencing depression or blue moods, they tend to see everything in their life negatively and become harsh and judgmental on the self. All of the issues you listed are interrelated with the common theme being around your feelings of inadequacy along with the belief that you have somehow failed.
You have two jobs which means that you do have discipline and willpower. The questions to reflect on: why don't you apply this discipline and will power to what you really want. How did you become defeated in your thinking about you? What happened to you? How did you come to internalize negative messages about you that you can no longer see what you have accomplished or attained?
Your finances are a mess because you are overspending which stems from your dissatisfaction with you. You don't clean your apartment because you don't feel good about you and that you are worth taking the effort for. You don't believe that you can meet your goals so you become frustrated and convince yourself that you are hopeless.

Suggestion on a sheet of paper make two columns on one side write all the things you have accomplished to date starting from childhood, and on the other side all the things you would like to accomplish along with time lines when you want to start and be finished. Look at the list and ask yourself are your goals realistic and if yes, are the timelines realistic.
Then chose one small step that would get you moving towards your goal. Do you have to call the school, meet with financial aid, then just do it.

The way to eat an elephant is one step at a time. Your are overwhelming yourself with feelings of defeat.

I apologize in advance if I overstep.

Can you speak with a therapist? If not there is a very inexpensive book called "Feeling Good: the new mood therapy" by David Burns. It is an excellent book for understanding your mood.

__________________________
My appreciation to the person who made me pank. Thank you!

[MissChelle]

OP just take thins one step at a time!! The easiest thing to fix is the messy apartment. You don't have to do a master cleaning all in one step. I understand that with 2 jobs your time is limited. You could just pick one task to do for 15 minutes a day. IE: Pick up all things that need to be trashed, or focus on one room.

Do you have any family or friends that are close and could help you out?

[melaniemat]

It sounds like you are going through a depressed phase Melaniemat. When people are experiencing depression or blue moods, they tend to see everything in their life negatively and become harsh and judgmental on the self. All of the issues you listed are interrelated with the common theme being around your feelings of inadequacy along with the belief that you have somehow failed.
You have two jobs which means that you do have discipline and willpower. The questions to reflect on: why don't you apply this discipline and will power to what you really want. How did you become defeated in your thinking about you? What happened to you? How did you come to internalize negative messages about you that you can no longer see what you have accomplished or attained?
Your finances are a mess because you are overspending which stems from your dissatisfaction with you. You don't clean your apartment because you don't feel good about you and that you are worth taking the effort for. You don't believe that you can meet your goals so you become frustrated and convince yourself that you are hopeless.

Suggestion on a sheet of paper make two columns on one side write all the things you have accomplished to date starting from childhood, and on the other side all the things you would like to accomplish along with time lines when you want to start and be finished. Look at the list and ask yourself are your goals realistic and if yes, are the timelines realistic.
Then chose one small step that would get you moving towards your goal. Do you have to call the school, meet with financial aid, then just do it.

The way to eat an elephant is one step at a time. Your are overwhelming yourself with feelings of defeat.

I apologize in advance if I overstep.

Can you speak with a therapist? If not there is a very inexpensive book called "Feeling Good: the new mood therapy" by David Burns. It is an excellent book for understanding your mood.

__________________________
My appreciation to the person who made me pank. Thank you!

Ladies, thank you so much for reading my vent and for reaching out! Many of the things you said are things I tell myself regularly, but it certainly helps to hear (or read) it from someone else.

Outremount...your post spoke to me very deeply. I do believe I suffer from depression. When I was in graduate school, I took an anti-depressant for a short period of time. I probably didn't give it a chance to really work, because I stopped taking it after about two months. I can't say that I noticed a difference. I have an appointment for this Wednesday with a therapist. I think my biggest problem is the negative tape that's playing in my head, telling me that I can't accomplish my goals. I don't know why it's playing, I don't know when it started, and I don't know how to stop it. All I know is that it has played for a long time, and though I have accomplished many things, I never feel like I'm good enough. And I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I have not been able to create or maintain a fulfilling long-term romantic relationship. But I also know that I have to love ME first, and I honestly don't think I do. And I don't know how to get there either.

I sat at work this evening and made a list of how my "ideal life" would look. I'm sure my goals are attainable. But I still feel overwhelmed. I often feel like I should just pick one item on my list to start working on, but which one? And because I can't narrow it down as to the BEST place to start, I often don't start anywhere.

But ladies, thank you again for your support! And I'm still open to suggestions!

[GalaxyGirl2012]

Sorry you're having a tough time.

I dont really have any advice since I'm also going through similar and finally starting to learn to live in a more grown up way.

my first step is to get a handle on my finances since i eventually want to be a home owner. Savings is also hard for me, so i Set up an auto payment thing that goes directly from my checking to my savings so I dont even see it. For paying down my credit card, I worked out a schedule for when I want to have it paid down, and set up scheduled payments to have the necessary amounts taken from my account.

i'm definitely nowhere near as disciplined with my $$ as i could be, so having these automatic payments go out skips the need for me to do it or put it off.

as for school start looking into programs and see how one (or both) of your jobs might be able to help

good luck!

[soapinphilly]

melaniemat, I am in the exact same place...but I try to remember how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.

A couple months ago I was crying everyday...and I let myself cry, and I let myself be depressed...eventually the feelings lessened.

I brought a lil note pad, and everyday I write goals and assignments. A year ago i could not go without a cigarette, I brought electronic cigarettes, I stopped for days sometimes weeks...then yesterday I wrote "quit smoking 2/10/2013" I read that everytime I pick up my book, its only been 24 hours but I feel proud of myself.

Threw out three bags of "stuff I would not keep if I had to move"....just try making lil changes, taking lil steps and allow yourself many good cry sessions.....ya know the one where you make the ugly face and repeat stuff over and over again and drool...yeah...thats what I do, LOL

[Soul Rebel]

[[HUGS]]

I feel you really hard. I've been in a depressed state of late myself. Things really fell apart on me last year and it's really really hard to re-group once you're in the quagmire.

On the plus side you CAN and WILL re-group. The one thing I learned from my whole "thing" the past several months/year is

ask for help

Ask For Help

ASK FOR HELP

the people in our lives love us and often see our troubles and WANT to help but they don't know how. Let your guard down and ask.

And feel free to talk to us here if nothing else. Don't keep it bottled up.

[melaniemat]

I just sat down and had a good cry. I know that most of my feelings of loneliness stem from my most recent romantic relationship, which ended almost a year ago. Without going into a lot of details right now (because it is extremely painful), he has continued to contact me and ask to see me. I have begged him to leave me alone, and blocked him and unblocked him a dozen times. I don't think it's the fact that I'm that crazy about him, but instead, I think I am fearful that he will be my last chance at love. But he's not even a good chance his DARN self, so I don't know why I keep holding on. Anyway, after calls and text messages going back and forth for the past three days, I blocked him through Verizon tonight. I know he will only start calling from restricted numbers, and I have to figure out how to handle that. But maybe he won't. I just want to be happy, and I know that as long as I'm holding onto the wrong thing, the right thing can't make its' way in.