The politics of being friends with white people

**Cutie McPretty** · 08-17-2013, 07:30 PM

Co-signing with LBellatrix - Straight up fatigued. I can't anymore and don't feel like it. Honestly at this stage i'm not friends with anyone other than my fiancee. Everyone else falls under acquaintance status regardless of race.

**GalaxyGirl2012** · 08-19-2013, 06:54 AM

baggage is baggage. i dont think it looks any better in black, white, red, or brown..

sometimes i think that if people stop trying to be spokes people for their ethnic group then they will find themselves being less and less pigeonholed into being their ethnic group's tour guide.

plus, i kind of think that of someone runs into the same problem every time they befriend a white person then after awhile they should start examining the common denominator in those relationships.

**Princess Pamplemousse** · 08-20-2013, 04:50 AM

^^I know you're going for the "self as common denominator" GG but I can't help but think of the various friends' universal whiteness. lol.

I don't think I've experienced enough friendship to be fatigued by any type of it. I do know that casual acquaintanceships are harder to maintain with white classmates and coworkers because they're more prone to saying ignorant and hurtful things regarding race and class. Acquaintances of color say ignorant and hurtful things as well, but they're less likely to say offensive things about race and/or class. That casual racism angers me more than any other -ism. It's a bigger deal to me.

Maybe if I invested time in developing those white acquaintances into true friends, they'd be less likely to offend and be less racially ignorant. But I don't think I should have to spend extra energy getting over the huge race hurdle when there are other acquaintances with smaller obstacles to friendship.

**Vavoon** · 08-20-2013, 01:46 PM

ever since i saw the comments they made on my fb regarding the trayvon martin verdict (and other things) - i've been like ef all that "we're all people - i don't see color when it comes to [enter relationship here]" mentality. i'm good. i think only 2% of them i can trust and will befriend but i honestly don't trust most of them on a deep level. i dont hate them because it takes too much energy to hate a whole group of people....but i think most of them think that way. and when you try to educate them they become oblivious and defensive - and you'd be surprise how many of us call these people "best friends", lovers, even family. if they don't want to check their privilege then our relationship will consist of nothing more than "hi" and "byes" and other superficial shit. no new friends.

I believe deeply in the power of friendship to make us better human beings. But interracial friendships, especially in adulthood, require a level of risk and vulnerability that many of us would rather simply not deal with. And that is perhaps one of racism’s biggest casualties: Beyond the level of systemic havoc that racism wreaks on the material lives of people of color, in a million and one ways every day, it reduces the opportunity of all people to be more human.

i agree though.

**GalaxyGirl2012** · 08-20-2013, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by Princess Pamplemousse

^^I know you're going for the "self as common denominator" GG but I can't help but think of the various friends' universal whiteness. lol.

I don't think I've experienced enough friendship to be fatigued by any type of it. I do know that casual acquaintanceships are harder to maintain with white classmates and coworkers because they're more prone to saying ignorant and hurtful things regarding race and class. Acquaintances of color say ignorant and hurtful things as well, but they're less likely to say offensive things about race and/or class. That casual racism angers me more than any other -ism. It's a bigger deal to me.

Maybe if I invested time in developing those white acquaintances into true friends, they'd be less likely to offend and be less racially ignorant. But I don't think I should have to spend extra energy getting over the huge race hurdle when there are other acquaintances with smaller obstacles to friendship.

i think casual acquaintanceships ae harder to maintain with anyone regardless of their race because you're less motivated by genuine like to keep them close. i guess for me i dontsee why saying dumb offensive things about things that arent race related gets more of pass than saying dumb offensive things things are are. to me they are all dumb comments that lead to me equally writing off the person as a potential friend because i dont want to have to make excuses for anyone's stupid behavior.

i also find that more black people make offensive comments about class in terms of people being too bougie and not "real enough" than i've ever heard white people make comments about that or poor people.

in general i think the thing to remember is that being friends with anyone is not easy. it's not supposed to be. not everyone is supposed to be our best friends who we'd become thelma and louise for/with

the vast majority of he women you meet will NOT be that fit. i think people who are looking to make fast friends and eager to make that sex in the city style crew of besties ASAP might have the biggest struggle with this. becoming that level of friends with people takes time and not everyone is going to mesh or be worth that time.

**Earthen~Blossom** · 08-22-2013, 06:31 PM

Isn't it somewhat of a catch-22 to avoid an entire race of people yet expect them to have an intricate understanding of the nuances of your culture?

**Soul Rebel** · 08-22-2013, 08:17 PM

IA with Beautifully Human & Earthen~Blossom. I think and dialogue about race and related issues a lot but I also have a very diverse array of friends, for many many years (most in the 20+ years zone) and its mostly based upon common interest, lifestyle, values, etc. A lot of black folks and I share nothing in common in those regards and a lot of white folks and I do.

Actually, that's enough. I could say more but in honestly I hate 99% of Salon's articles on race. They're almost always way oversimplified and oftentimes straight silly.

**LBellatrix** · 08-22-2013, 09:21 PM

Originally Posted by Earthen~Blossom

Isn't it somewhat of a catch-22 to avoid an entire race of people yet expect them to have an intricate understanding of the nuances of your culture?

At this point I'm just avoiding certain race-based conversations if I feel they're not elevated enough. And yes, after again having spent pretty much my whole life having to elevate (I'm in my late 40s), I'm tired of doing it. I don't need them to have an intricate understanding but I do need them to understand what race-based privilege is and how it shapes this country and how people think about different races. I don't think that's all that complicated but apparently it still is in 2013...

**Beautifully Human** · 08-24-2013, 10:24 PM

Came across this and thought of this thread. lol.

**Vavoon** · 08-25-2013, 05:26 PM

thing is..i see the western imperialism as the uncle who molested us and and gave us a sallie mae loan for college.
this is what many of those who hold eurocentric views dont understand about me.
oh wellz.