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  1. #1
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    Default "Is she biracial?"

    This is about my youngest niece, who my sister and BIL adopted at birth. She's now 9 months old and is the sweetest thing (almost) walking.

    So me being the proud aunt, I'm showing pictures of my nieces to people and one woman asks me, is she (the baby) biracial? And I was like...ummm....I really don't know...but she is adopted so...ummm...it's possible? Another person said later she thought it was a rude question to ask. I thought it was completely natural because honestly...the baby looks NOTHING like the rest of us.

    We -- me, my sisters, my parents, my BIL and his family (who are African), and my older niece -- are all dark-skinned. As such, we never had the kind of intrafamily color issues I've heard about, where the lighter-skinned kids got treated differently or whatnot. In my extended family the colors do span the gamut but that was never the case with my immediate family...until now. The baby isn't light-skinned as in pale, but she's lighter than us: If we're ebony, she's more teak, if that makes sense. Also, as of right now, what hair she has -- she's got a little Mohawk strip coming in -- is straight. It might change later but I'm guessing her skin color probably won't...

    My sister said that once when she was out with the baby a woman said to her, "She's so cute! Is she yours?" and my sister replied with a smile, "'Course she's mine. What...you're saying I'm not cute?" She has a sense of humor about it, which is good.

    I guess my question is: For people who have been in this situation, either through adoption or just plain old family genetics...what do you do? How much information do you reveal, if any?
    Hello, 2021. Glad to see you. Hope you're bringing us goodness and light this year!

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    You don't owe anyone any explanation at all.

    If the child looks "Black," I'm actually surprised people would trip over skin tone. Black folks come in all shades within a family.

    Ignore folks. Don't play the skin tone game. If you play it, I guarantee you it will trickle down to the child and become an issue later. Sad that folks are still tripping over light vs dark.

    For the record, I have one sister who is way lighter than the rest of the family. It was never a big deal in our family and I credit that with teaching me NOT to have any skin tone insecurities.
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by chachadiva View Post
    If the child looks "Black," I'm actually surprised people would trip over skin tone. Black folks come in all shades within a family.
    EXACTLY...which is why I'm tripping over people's reactions. Then again, as I said, we (my immediate family) have never had this issue because it was obvious we were all related to each other, at least in terms of skin color.

    Ignore folks. Don't play the skin tone game. If you play it, I guarantee you it will trickle down to the child and become an issue later. Sad that folks are still tripping over light vs dark.
    I haven't even gotten around to figuring out what's going to happen when she gets old enough to figure out what color is and starts asking questions about why she looks different...or when people ask her DIRECTLY why she looks different. Happily (and yes, I'm bragging on my family now, lol) she's got a family that doesn't play the skin tone game, because her mother (and aunts) grew up with parents who didn't play the skin tone game. So hopefully she'll grow up feeling like she belongs regardless of how she looks. We plan to do our best to make sure that happens!
    Hello, 2021. Glad to see you. Hope you're bringing us goodness and light this year!

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    Quote Originally Posted by LBellatrix View Post
    I guess my question is: For people who have been in this situation, either through adoption or just plain old family genetics...what do you do? How much information do you reveal, if any?
    I'm adopted but I am actually darker than my parents were. My mother had light skin and wavy hair and my father had medium-toned skin and wavy hair. The thing is in my family we run the gamut and, as far as I know, I'm the only one that's adopted. My mother's siblings shared the same features but really vary a lot when it comes to skin tone. On my dad's side their features were also the similar and their skin tone was a bit more uniform. However, there is light to dark on both sides, and no one really trips out.

    I think your niece's parents should reveal only what they feel is necessary. I think your sister's response is spot on. Running around telling everyone now that she's adopted takes away their power to tell her when they think it's the right time. I'd just say "she's ours" and leave the rest out of it. Some people are just ignorant, and it's actually interesting that a generation out our own people don't realize that families come in all sorts of colors.
    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it." - Chinese Proverb

    "Fall seven times a day, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

    “All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.” - African Proverb

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    Quote Originally Posted by LBellatrix View Post
    I guess my question is: For people who have been in this situation, either through adoption or just plain old family genetics...what do you do? How much information do you reveal, if any?
    I've experienced something kind of similar. One of my 5 children is noticeably lighter than the rest of us. Not dramatically so, but several acquaintances have made comments or asked questions like "where did she get her color from?" I get pretty annoyed by it, because as you and Chachadiva have already mentioned, most Black families have several shades of brown and black - and I usually make reference to that in my response to people crass enough to ask.

    Now when I have gotten upset is when I've been out with all of my children (or with both of my girls in particular) and people openly comment on how pretty my lighter daughter is and totally ignore the other. I usually respond to that with a statement acknowledging how blessed I am to have not 1, but 2 pretty daughters - or 5 beautiful children.

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    People try the color game mess with me as well when it comes to my daughter. "K" is light skin with dark brown hair with strawberry blonde hair around her temples. I'm dark brown and people always make the stupidest remarks when it to her complexion 1. Oh is she yours? She must look like her daddy? 2. She's going to be a handful when she's older? My response is always Why? Followed by we do play the color game in my house. "K" will know that her complexion is not what is going to get her through life or help her to get what she want's without working for it. But if you must know black people do come in a shade of different colors.... I usually get a blank stare which leads them to start conversing with another person.
    Just want to say thank you to my fairy PANKGodmother for making me PANK!Time to update my ignore list



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    Quote Originally Posted by NaturalDiva03 View Post
    "K" will know that her complexion is not what is going to get her through life or help her to get what she want's without working for it.
    But do YOU even have to bring that up as her mother? I mean, where would she even get the idea that her coloring would add anything to her life or entitle her to special treatment? I believe your child is fairly young, right? What is she being exposed to that would even plant that seed in her mind?

    No offense, but that comment sounds like something we would hear from a dark skinned person with color issues who, in their mind, think that light skinned people think that they are special. A lot of false assumptions.
    Last edited by chachadiva; 08-31-2013 at 11:15 PM.
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

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    Quote Originally Posted by chachadiva View Post
    But do YOU even have to bring that up as her mother? I mean, where would she even get the idea that her coloring would add anything to her life or entitle her to special treatment? I believe your child is fairly young, right? What is she being exposed to that would even plant that seed in her mind?
    Chacha did you read my post in its entirety? What do you mean that ME as her mother have to bring that up? Yes I do as her mother have to bring it up when people have the audacity to think that just because she's of the lighter complexion that things will come easier or be handed to her. Yes she's 5 years old and no I haven't had that particular discussion with her because it isn't necessary. But with me being HER mother HER darker mother I have to defend my daughter when I hear bullshit or an underhanded comment being made. I never said that she has been exposed to anything what I said is that in a sense is some people have a color struck attitude i.e. light skin light eyes loose/wavy hair equals "beauty" vs dark skin dark eyes coily/tight hair equals to some "unattractive". And as far as her getting the idea about her "coloring" (I really hate that word) she doesn't "see" her color if that makes sense but immature adults and I as her mother have to set them straight. And we all know that children at an early age can exhibit bias towards color.... I'm referencing the black/white doll debate.
    Just want to say thank you to my fairy PANKGodmother for making me PANK!Time to update my ignore list



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    Quote Originally Posted by chachadiva View Post
    No offense, but that comment sounds like something we would hear from a dark skinned person with color issues who, in their mind, think that light skinned people think that they are special. A lot of false assumptions.
    While I have seen situations in which comments are made by a darker person with a complex, I have also experienced light skinned girls having attitudes of superiority that came from being told "you're too pretty for that", or "everyone wants skin [or hair] like yours", or other things like that. Recently, my daughter even experienced a situation in which she was told that she shouldn't worry about her weight, because her lighter skin color would make up for her being slightly overweight.

    In addition to agreeing with NaturalDiva about needing to address this with her daughter when the time is right, I also think that mothers of daughters of all shades need to make it a point to ensure that their daughters know that they are all beautiful exactly how God made them, but that the external is only a part of who they are - and not even the most important part. Shucks, our sons need to know this too. No one should ever use skin color, hair texture, facial features, body type, etc., - theirs or anyone else's - to get ahead or put someone else down.

    More related to LBell's original post: I forgot to mention this before, but I have a niece that is biracial. She has an older sister that is not biracial and is dark-skinned. I don't get to spend a lot of time with them, but my brother often asks me for my thoughts on how to deal with his younger daughter getting so much attention from everybody because she's "so pretty" (but rotten!), while his older daughter has low self esteem, and rarely smiles (she also is a bit overweight, and has eczema). He gets downright mad and directly confronts people who overlook his older daughter to "ooh" and "ah" over his younger, bi-racial daughter. And when he's out with his kids without his white fiance, and people look at him questioningly or have the nerve to ask about his younger daughter, he goes straight off and tells 'em to mind their blankety, blank business, "like I would be out with somebody else's half-white child in this day and age..." But that's my brother, though.

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    LBell, when my daughter was born, she had bright RED skin and jet black hair-the nurses in the hospital were trying to figure out where I had gotten the child because my hair was in a big ole' nappy afro when I delivered 5 weeks early. My MIL and a couple of friends tried to make comments about my baby's coloring but I shut them down immediately. One of my friends had called her the whyt baby several times but each time she did, I let her know that it would not be allowed. I didn't grow up like that and refused to allow someone to subject my daughter to that craziness. When they realized I wasn't going to allow any conversations on color or hair type OF A BABY, they definitely stopped trying. As time has passed, my daughter's coloring and hair have blended right in with the rest of my extended family, with no more special distinction beyond her being a part of the family rainbow.

    I have a sister who has adopted a daughter and a son, who is half-Hispanic. They've been in the family since they were @ 8-9 years old so they always knew that they were adopted. Both are in their twenties now. My sis did tell me that when he was younger, she sometimes had ppl make comments about him but I know that my sister definitely didn't like it. I know my niece and nephew are very close these days so hopefully they have been able to get past some of the craziness which may have arisen through the years.
    Last edited by lin19lyn; 09-01-2013 at 04:54 AM.
    BC'd: June 2010
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