"Why don't you _______ your hair?"

**CCmomof5** · 10-25-2013, 10:43 PM

Straighten; color; loc; cut; texturize; etc.

I usually don't mind questions about my hair (within reason). But when folks keep asking me why I won't do what THEY think I should do to my hair, I get a little peeved. I used to try to give pleasant sounding answers, but I'm getting to the point that I don't care if I sound unpleasant. If I don't style my hair in a certain way, I probably don't WANT to! Simple as that. There may be other things that cause me to not WANT to, but I don't always care to share all of that - and if I I did, I'd probably offend some of y'all questioning folks, anyway!

I used to regularly get asked why don't I loc my hair. I didn't really mind that at first, but when they followed it up with a "well what ARE you going to do with all that hair?" I'd have to give them the side eye. I'm going to style it however I choose, that's what. I like locs, and I might even go that route eventually, but don't be trying to imply that that's the ONLY style I can accomplish with my hair!

Lately, I've had the most people asking me why I won't straighten my hair. I usually just brush it off with something along the lines of "I just haven't wanted to wear it straight." But then some people press even further and want to know if I'm worried about the time it will take, because they know "someone" who could do such a good job on "all that hair". Umm, no thanks. THEN they try to convince me that my hair would be "so long and pretty straight". WTH??!! Do you not get that I DON'T WANT straight hair??!! I personally have gotten to a point where I think that textured hair is much prettier on Black women than straight hair (my opinion, only), so even though YOU may think that melting away all my kinks and coils would be pretty, I DON'T! For me it's not about what the masses find aesthetically pleasing, it's about embracing what God gave me. Period.
OK, rant over (for now)!

How are others dealing with these kinds of questions?

**fuzzy_slippers** · 10-25-2013, 11:16 PM

I just reply that I'm not interested. If someone really presses me, I ask if they're writing a book.

**MsCruzan** · 10-26-2013, 12:42 AM

because I like my hair just like this. Don't worry about being polite or hurting their feelings. After all they don't seem to be worried about being rude.

Heck, It might help someone to realize that some people actually, gasp like their hair natural. Personally, I think "all that hair" is gorgeous.

**MsCruzan** · 10-26-2013, 01:48 AM

because I like my hair just like this. Don't worry about being polite or hurting their feelings. After all they don't seem to be worried about being rude.

Heck, It might help someone to realize that some people actually, gasp like their hair natural. Personally, I think "all that hair" is gorgeous.

**dayna** · 10-26-2013, 04:35 AM

Originally Posted by fuzzy_slippers

I just reply that I'm not interested. If someone really presses me, I ask if they're writing a book.

I'll be using this, thanks.

**dayna** · 10-26-2013, 04:44 AM

Originally Posted by CCmomof5

For me it's not about what the masses find aesthetically pleasing, it's about embracing what God gave me. Period.

I think this is what you should say to people who want to bother you about your hair!

**Onnica** · 10-26-2013, 08:59 AM

Hi Everyone. I can identify from both sides. There were two ladies that I use to work with and they had heads full of premature gray hair and very young looking faces. I asked both of them if they had ever considered dying their gray. I was not being rude or nasty. I was truely curious. I don't think either one took offense as they did not seem to. They both politely shared with me that they liked their gray hair. I left those sittuations much more open minded regarding ladies with gray hair. It had nerver crossed my mind that young women would welcome their gray hair. I came to admire the love of self that they had and the way they wore it boldly with confidence.
When I shared with another co-worker my intention of getting locs she said everything in her power to discourage me. Despite the fact that I shared with her that it was a choice I made in order to combat the hair drama I was having from thinning.Even though I told her all about locs being a process and it may take a while before my locs would resemble anything close to attractive she voiced only negative opinions.This older lady although very strong in her opinion is usually a very nice and respectable person so she got a way with a lot. However,after I proceeded and started coming to work wearing my new ugly thin straggely locs (LOL)I was already feeling mighty low and was not in the mood to hear criticisms about how I had ruined all that pretty hair I had. When she told me for the last time that she had never seen my hair look so bad that was the last straw. I told her that I would appreciate it if she would not say anything else to me about my hair. She respected that and I believe she realized how offended I was. She is now very complimentary concerning my locs because they are maturing and coming into their own now. As a culture I believe we do kinda get in each others heads but we have to be sensitive to one anothers choices and even support if we don't agree or understand. It should not be that serious to us what someone else is doing with their crown anyway. I would suggest to you that since they are trying to encourage you to perm or straighten your hair like them throw it back and suggest that they go natural like you.Hmm...Yours is beautiful and is definitely the healthier option anyway. Blessings.

**CCmomof5** · 10-26-2013, 01:28 PM

^^^ Thanks for pointing out the experience of being on the other side of this kind of questioning.

I think the wording of the question "have you ever considered coloring..." versus "why don't you color..." can make a big difference. Especially when your tone implies genuine curiosity instead of a sense of judgement that it's what someone else SHOULD do to her (/his) hair.

**LBellatrix** · 10-26-2013, 02:48 PM

I too thank you, Onnica,for sharing both sides. I was just thinking about this the other day actually:

Just as I've always known naturals from the time I was a little girl, I've always known black women with long (past APL) hair. Until recently, both groups were in the minority, with the majority comprised mostly of women like me who relaxed their hair and (usually not by choice, lol) wore it anywhere between super-short and maybe SL. (Today there are a lot more naturals but also a lot more weave and wig wearers.)

Almost all of those long-haired black women I knew kept their hair up and almost never wore it loose and/or down except for special occasions. Those who weren't relaxed had every texture from 1 to 4. As a typical black woman who was lusting after long hair, I used to ask, "What's the point of having long hair if you're not going to wear it down?" I didn't think it was a judgement but in retrospect I can sort of see how it could have come across that way.

Many years later, and to make a very long story short, guess who's all geeked out over carbon-steel hairpins right now?

CCMom, I have had people lead with both phrases in both curious and judgemental tones. Usually, if someone says "Have you considered coloring your gray?" (just to use one example) I will say, "Not seriously, no," with or without a smile depending on how it's asked. If someone says, "Why don't you color your gray?" I will say, "Because I like my gray," always with a smile.

Threads like these remind me once again how relatively isolated I am...I rarely spend enough time around people to get asked these questions.

**Claire76** · 10-26-2013, 10:21 PM

Hi CC. Don't mind me. I understand your frustration, I like the answers that you've been getting...

And I just popped in to say that I love your hair.