Caring for elderly parents

**awren** · 11-09-2013, 07:07 PM

My 70 y.o. dad coded after a mitral valve repair. He was in the CVICU for 6 weeks, then moved to a subacute hospital, now he's in rehab. Sometime during his hospitalization he had 2 strokes, so now his left side is mainly paralyzed, and he has permanent brain injury. I'm his POA, and I'm having trouble with accepting his new limitations. Dad is unpredictable, his memory is shot, he can be incredibly cruel, and to top it all off-he has about 4 older lady "friends" who are working my last nerve.

I've been in denial about the extent of his limitations and was hoping his mental status would improve-but it hasn't. So now I'm paying his bills for him as his POA. There are so many things I can't do even as his POA that I've spoken to an attorney about guardianship. It's very tricky. Dad was evaluated for mental capacity by the neurologist and was determined not to have "decision making capacity"; it was also determined that Dad needs 24hours of care. My attorney will file those guardianship papers next week.

I don't want people to take advantage of my Dad's situation, and it's already started. Relatives claiming that Dad promised them this or told them that. Advice from relatives about using/saving/hiding things.

If you are taking care of an elderly parent or adult child, how are you doing emotionally? I tell you-many days I feel like taking a very long drive and not coming home at all. I still get sad when I visit Dad. Dad wants to go home; but I think the nursing facility might be best. I'm sure we're not the only ones going through this.

**Savvyone** · 11-09-2013, 07:50 PM

my thoughts and prayers are with you, ((HUGS)), two of my closest girlfriends went through this and I know how heart wrenching it can be, by all means utlize your resources, hopefully there are a few folks with no intentions

that can give you a break when needed and be that arm/ear/shoulder from time to time. I also know there are support groups for caregivers which was very useful for my bff because there was a piece of it that even I couldn't handle on an emotional level and the group came through for her.

**OHR** · 11-09-2013, 11:39 PM

Cosigning on the (((((hugs))))) awren.

My father is 84, mom 82. In my case, my father (strong willed) is refusing to move out of their home into a more manageable place. It's frustrating, maddening and downright sad to know that as the 'child', you choose to step in and try to support them.

My BFF has been such a wonderful support to me and my parents...she was the main caretaker to both her parents. They're gone now. She was able to tap into several city and federal services that did help a bit with care, food and transportation to doctor's appointments.

I would certainly seek support groups in your area.

**awren** · 11-11-2013, 05:03 PM

I'm having to go the legal route which will ensure that all of Dad's assets will go for his care. The situation has torn us siblings apart to the point that we're not speaking, which I understand is pretty common. It's hard to know what's the "right" thing to do. OHR, my Dad wants to go back home too, but because he requires 24 hours of care I don't feel it will be safe. I don't want to hire someone who will miss the bus, have childcare issues, steal from him, etc. I like the place he's at and they are taking good care of him. At least I can be at peace with that. My Dad was 100% independent prior to the codes. To try to understand his financial situation-what's due, when, what's coming in-is a constant mystery. I'm getting more organized though.

I'm going to check at the NH to see if they have some type of caregiver support group. I feel so overwhelmed with grief and by this POA stuff and probably should have gotten help when this first happened.

**Venetter** · 11-16-2013, 12:19 AM

cosigning on the (((HUGS))). My dad has been caring for my grandma for the past 6 months. She has many complications from diabetes and her husband died about 5 months ago. She lives in New Jersey and owns a couple of properties there, but dad lives in Atlanta. I think they will be driving down to Atlanta soon so my mom will be able to help out with her care. When I talk to dad and ask how he's doing he's always, "fine."

I'm sure it's hard. I'll look around for resources in Atlanta to help them out.

**awren** · 11-21-2013, 11:54 PM

I've applied for legal guardianship of my father, and the hearing is in early December. I'm not quite sure what to expect at the hearing though. I don't know if my siblings will (or even can) contest the application. Dad is getting physically better but mentally he'll stay this way-at least that's what they're telling me. Venetter is your dad hiring outside help, like a home health agency, to help with care?

**Venetter** · 01-18-2014, 11:30 PM

Hi. My dad and grandma are in Atlanta now. For right now my mom and dad are doing it all. My younger sister lives at home and helps a lot too. How are things going with you?

**Cutie McPretty** · 01-19-2014, 01:44 AM

^^^Glad that your grandma got to Atlanta safely. Make sure that if your grandma has Medicaid that she gets enrolled in Medicaid for the state of Georgia since that benefit does not transfer between states. If she has private insurance or Medicare get in touch with the Division of Aging Services so that you all can tap into the home care/caregiver services in Georgia.

You may find these links helpful for your grandmother. Best of luck to everyone with their relatives

.

http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/communi...rvices-program (Medicaid Program)

http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/home-co...based-services (Non-Medicaid Program)

http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/access-services (Access to Services)

http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/

http://aging.dhs.georgia.gov/programs-and-services

**Venetter** · 01-21-2014, 05:01 AM

Thank you so much!

**awren** · 11-21-2015, 02:58 AM

It's been a minute since I've posted. I became dad's legal guardian 2 years ago. What a nightmare!!! Dad has vascular dementia with anosognosia-so he's not aware of his dementia which makes it hard to care for him. He's in a very nice assisted living facility. He lived in the same house for over 40 years and his neighbors are elderly, nosey as hell, and call him whenever anything is going on in his house. Several times he's called me very angry and cussing because his neighbors call and tell them I'm doing stuff with his property. They mean well but they aren't helping.

My husband of 23 years has brain cancer since 2012 and has recently had a series of strokes which has left him very weak on one side. I went from friend to confidante to wife to lover to parent to empty nester to caregiver for my 48 year old soul mate. I'm operating on pure love and caffeine at this point. My husband is a Veteran so I'm trying to get help from their caregiver support staff and the palliative care people. In the back of my mind I know we'll need hospice soon. That makes me so very sad...