Is It Good To Not Care What People Think Of You?

[Scribetastic]

On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us.
...
If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.
[/b]

Well, I agree but also disagree with you here. I'm not trying to hijack the thread, but it's not worth creating a new one to make this point...I think ^_^

Most people might not see themselves. But I know I can rub people the wrong way, and I just don't care. Why? Not everyone you interact with is worth paying attention to. I agree that if it's an overwhelming majority cut from all the different kinds of people you deal with. But, right now, I think if you sat down all the white males that I deal with the majority of them would say I was pushy, aggressive and probably need to hold my tongue more. However, they wouldn't say that to a white male acting in the same way. I tend to carry myself with the same bravado and confidence that white guys have because that's how I'm most comfortable, believe it or not. It's how I was taught to be.

I thought about it when it was coming my way and realized who was saying it. Now it's my big middle finger waving in their general direction most of the time. That's because my Korean friends just don't see it that way.

I&#39;ve got an address book full of people and people are chasing me down to be friends with me. I just don&#39;t care about that group of people who are so easy to get offended. I don&#39;t want those people around me <_<

[Iris74B]

If you have good self-esteem there is a difference between:

What people think of you
What you think of yourself

What people think of you may not match what you think of yourself.

Someone could think you&#39;re a female canine but does it mean that its true if you know you&#39;re not one?

Yep,

If you are too invested in what people think of you at the expense of thinking well of yourself, you run the risk of running yourself ragged trying to make everybody happy and everybody has 50 11 different opinions.


Are you in your teens/20s?

[submissive_rebel]

If you have good self-esteem there is a difference between:

What people think of you
What you think of yourself

What people think of you may not match what you think of yourself.

Someone could think you&#39;re a female canine but does it mean that its true if you know you&#39;re not one?

Yep,

If you are too invested in what people think of you at the expense of thinking well of yourself, you run the risk of running yourself ragged trying to make everybody happy and everybody has 50 11 different opinions.
Are you in your teens/20s?
[/b]

I look at it this way. It&#39;s none of my business what other people think of me. What is important is what I think of myself. If I&#39;m content with who I am it does not really matter what any one else thinks. I dont even give it thought. I&#39;m too busy trying to learn better so I can do better.

[dahabu]

How about another dynamic, what about at work?

Do you care what your workmates think about you? Your boss? Wont that affect your prospects of promotion if it is negative? Just adding a different angle

[JustAnotherNappyGirl]

Well, I agree but also disagree with you here. I&#39;m not trying to hijack the thread, but it&#39;s not worth creating a new one to make this point...I think ^_^

Most people might not see themselves. But I know I can rub people the wrong way, and I just don&#39;t care. Why? Not everyone you interact with is worth paying attention to. I agree that if it&#39;s an overwhelming majority cut from all the different kinds of people you deal with. But, right now, I think if you sat down all the white males that I deal with the majority of them would say I was pushy, aggressive and probably need to hold my tongue more. However, they wouldn&#39;t say that to a white male acting in the same way. I tend to carry myself with the same bravado and confidence that white guys have because that&#39;s how I&#39;m most comfortable, believe it or not. It&#39;s how I was taught to be.

I thought about it when it was coming my way and realized who was saying it. Now it&#39;s my big middle finger waving in their general direction most of the time. That&#39;s because my Korean friends just don&#39;t see it that way.

I&#39;ve got an address book full of people and people are chasing me down to be friends with me. I just don&#39;t care about that group of people who are so easy to get offended. I don&#39;t want those people around me <_<[/[/b]

I&#39;m not sure we are in disagreement at all...I didn&#39;t say take other people&#39;s feedback and accept it as gospel. I said use it to spark self-examination. There&#39;s a big difference. I think part of being mature is being able to accept criticism and evaluate it honestly. Is there any truth to it? Even if it is totally NOT true, is there something I am doing that makes it appear to be true? If so, maybe that&#39;s something to work on. If not, discard it for the junk it is! In your case, you evaluated the source of the criticism, the probable motive for it, and decided that it has no value. That&#39;s a valid response to criticism and much better than a knee-jerk "I&#39;m absolutely PERFECT and there is NOTHING about me that I can work on or improve, so I don&#39;t care what anyone says". To me, that kind of defensive reaction is immature and usually reflects deep insecurity. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are okay with the idea that you are not 100% perfect all the time, so you don&#39;t have to go ballistic when someone points out an area where you could be kinder or more considerate or more conscientious or [insert virtue here].

You know I actually think both ends of the spectrum - the jellyfish who tries to conform to everyone&#39;s demands, and the person who can&#39;t possibly conceive that they may be in the wrong - are both truly insecure. The person with a strong sense of identity and self-esteem can reject the majority view in favor of his/her own moral compass and refuse to conform. They can also honestly evaluate criticism and sometimes benefit from it.

[GalaxyGirl2012]

How about another dynamic, what about at work?

Do you care what your workmates think about you? Your boss? Wont that affect your prospects of promotion if it is negative? Just adding a different angle
[/b]

i still look at it the same. i do a pretty good job of marketing myself in interviews so my employer knows - as far as i know - what my strengths and limitations are and all that. i&#39;m honest and i know myself pretty well. plus i give my best when i&#39;m working and if i notice that i need some new knowledge or training or something i&#39;m proactive enough to look for it and follow up on making it happen. if i know that i&#39;m lacking in something crucial i&#39;m upfront enough to let that be known and my supervisors usually know that i can be counted on not because i&#39;m making a big point to prove that to them, but because i do it.

i work with a few people who are too busy trying to prove they can do stuff and the result is that they end up not getting it done. or people who spend too much time trying to please others so they dont disappount but in the end they end up screwing up projects or making more work because they arent honest about what they can and cant do and figure they can just fake it.

personally i&#39;d rather someone dislike me for being honest with them than disliking me because i made their lives or their jobs harder. the first one people get over, the second one will have you permanently viewed as the idiot who dropped the ball.

[Iris74B]

How about another dynamic, what about at work?

Do you care what your workmates think about you? Your boss? Wont that affect your prospects of promotion if it is negative? Just adding a different angle
[/b]

If you want to keep your job, you should at least care about how your boss feels about your work performance, and that includes how you interact with coworkers to get things done. As long as youre putting money in your boss&#39;s pockets and doing your job well (including how you interact with people) then nothing to worry about.

But an attitude, being confrontational, rolling eyes, not wanting to work with people will get you job-less and alone.

[LBellatrix]

This thread is SO full of good stuff. I want to hug all&#39;a y&#39;all. :wub:

It&#39;s a matter of balance...other people&#39;s opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I&#39;ve known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That&#39;s no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn&#39;t depend on the approval of others. [/b]

I&#39;m putting it out here: For my 20s and a good chunk of my 30s, I was a human chameleon. I shoehorned myself into whatever situation I was in, in order to cause the most harmony and the least confrontation. Needless to say, I was miserable most of the time. During those years, I can pinpoint at least three times when my voice asserted itself and my life took dramatic leaps forward: when I changed my undergrad major from math to English, when I did the BC and when I became an independent contractor.

It wasn&#39;t until I saw 40 coming that I really sat my azz down and asked myself what it was I REALLY wanted out of life. I&#39;ve told this story repeatedly so I&#39;m not going to go into it again but basically, at almost-42, I am now living the life I choose to live. And in order for me to do that, I can no longer afford to care what other people think of my choices. It&#39;s still a process for me, though, because I&#39;m so used to caring about what other people think, especially my family. But when I look at the painting of my life and what I want it to look like when I die, I really want to be able to say that "I did it myyyyy wayyyyyyy" :lol: and I think I&#39;m going to be able to.

SeoulSista said:

That&#39;s not to say that because you don&#39;t care that you loose concern about your reputation and your honor. What she&#39;s saying is you can let the little crap slide. Also, she means that a lot of people when they&#39;re young fold to peer pressure and outside expectations a lot. She&#39;s not talking about getting older, breaking promises, coming in late to work and pimp slapping elderly people around...I do carry myself with confidence and I realize that can intimidate some people. I just don&#39;t care.[/b]

This is SO on point. We&#39;re all members of this society whether we like it or not. I would hope that we would each try to do right by people. I have a pretty strong moral code for someone who wasn&#39;t raised in the church and in fact I&#39;ve been known to get kind of uptight over little things like jumping ahead of other people in line. To do something like that violates my code of honor. But at the same time how I choose to move in this world is something only I can decide for myself. Just because someone else feels uncomfortable with how I move in the world doesn&#39;t automatically mean there&#39;s something wrong with me. There is an amazing freedom that comes from realizing that a lot of what you thought was your sh** is other people&#39;s sh**.

Re carrying yourself with confidence: Here in graduate school, I&#39;ve been told that I scare people. It bothered me (and still does sometimes) until I realized (I remember) that on me, people seem to be mistaking confidence for arrogance. (Again, it&#39;s amazing how confidence comes when you know you&#39;re on your own path doing things your way.) If people took the time to get to know me, they would know all the wonderful things about me that I (and my friends and family) know about me. But beyond that I can no longer be bothered to make everybody comfortable. I don&#39;t have time! ^_^

[eclecticsoul]

Originally posted by dahabu@ Today, 10:47 AM
How about another dynamic, what about at work? Do you care what your workmates think about you? Your boss? Won’t that affect your prospects of promotion if it is negative?

No, my career doesn’t define who I am. I have a solid track record and my career is built upon that. Fortunately, the powers that be are concerned with my ability to produce/create, not petty personality conflicts. I&#39;m always open to constructive criticism and respond/evaluate accordingly.

I have quite a few former peers/colleagues who haven&#39;t learned yet and are consumed with how others view them. Professionally, they&#39;ve not progressed beyond certain levels. They haven&#39;t shaped their own identity/path.

People give away so much of their power. There are far more important things to focus own. What someone thinks/feels about me isn&#39;t one of them.:rolleyes:

[Scribetastic]

I&#39;m not sure we are in disagreement at all...I didn&#39;t say take other people&#39;s feedback and accept it as gospel. I said use it to spark self-examination. There&#39;s a big difference. I think part of being mature is being able to accept criticism and evaluate it honestly. Is there any truth to it? Even if it is totally NOT true, is there something I am doing that makes it appear to be true? If so, maybe that&#39;s something to work on. If not, discard it for the junk it is! In your case, you evaluated the source of the criticism, the probable motive for it, and decided that it has no value. That&#39;s a valid response to criticism and much better than a knee-jerk "I&#39;m absolutely PERFECT and there is NOTHING about me that I can work on or improve, so I don&#39;t care what anyone says". To me, that kind of defensive reaction is immature and usually reflects deep insecurity. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are okay with the idea that you are not 100% perfect all the time, so you don&#39;t have to go ballistic when someone points out an area where you could be kinder or more considerate or more conscientious or [insert virtue here].

You know I actually think both ends of the spectrum - the jellyfish who tries to conform to everyone&#39;s demands, and the person who can&#39;t possibly conceive that they may be in the wrong - are both truly insecure. The person with a strong sense of identity and self-esteem can reject the majority view in favor of his/her own moral compass and refuse to conform. They can also honestly evaluate criticism and sometimes benefit from it.
[/b]

Yeah, when I posted it I figured we were just discussing different angles of the same issue. Also, I think it has a lot to do with demeanor. I was that smart kid who got teased a lot because I didn&#39;t follow. I&#39;m USED to being the outlier, so it&#39;s never bothered me when people try to get me to conform to petty isht. Because of that I grew a fierce independent streak. I doesn&#39;t help that I&#39;m also an only child ^_^

However, crticism or other perspectives do tend to get me to stop and look at what I&#39;m doing. It&#39;s just that there are broad categories of people I just don&#39;t waste my time listening to.

I&#39;m actually incredibly self-reflective, but I ignore people with short-sighted views. For example, there is another foreigner who I know just through being here awhile, knowing the same group of people and working together from time to time. He&#39;s ethnically Korean but he was adopted and raised by a while family and he&#39;s got that white hetrosexual male perspective on things. The funny thing is he&#39;s gay, and I usually click well with gay men.

However, he&#39;s put off by my candor. I just DON&#39;T take isht from people. I don&#39;t. Say something stupid to me, judge me or try to clown me in public and I will give you a verbal beat down that will leave you running everytime you see me. I KNOW THIS. I come hard at people just so if it happens, it&#39;s only going to happen once.

Anyway, this guy and I have never had a conflict. He&#39;s just witnessed me rip certain men to shreads. We were both leaving the subway station on Thursday. I ran into him and a classmate from school. I did the required "so-and-so meet so-and-so", explained how I knew both, so they could talk to each other and one of the first things he said and was how I don&#39;t take crap. I said, I don&#39;t but I&#39;m actually quite nice if you don&#39;t f%^k with me. I just won&#39;t suffer fools. He then said something like I don&#39;t suffer fools and will bludgeon them completely. :P He&#39;s right. I&#39;m sensitive to it, but he&#39;s right.

Will I change? Actually, I HAVE taken the spikes off the clubs I use to bludgeon people during a verbal attack. But he and I only see each other in passing, so his reference is literally 4 or so years ago. I can&#39;t worry about it. I like the guy. I know what his deal is. I&#39;m friendly when I see him because he&#39;s nice to me, but I just realize he&#39;s VERY sensitive to my candor.