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  1. #21
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    I think the difference is between living a "principle-centred existence" and living an "approval centred existence".

    If you do the former, you have internal conscience, self awareness and integrity that you use to differentiate right from wrong, to acknowledge your faults, to aim constantly at self improvement, to pursue what is important to you. (You don't let others make those choices for you).
    And, even if you don't try to suck up to people, then your boss and coworkers (like your family and friends) will usually realize your integrity, trustworthiness and competence - even if they don't think of you as their best buddy.

    As for me, I seemed to have been born with a broken "approval seeker". I have done my own thing and followed by own conscience nearly since birth. That of course has its disadvantages: it wasn't until I was about 13 and my sister told me that one of her friends thought I was stuck up, that I realised that there was such a thing as society, and that people external to you could and would make judgements about you based on limited / false information or their own prejudices. That kind of felt like an intrusion to me, and nearly 20 years later, I'm still learning to make peace with it, and trying to engage with it so that my interactions and self development aren't harmed. But I still have clear priorities:
    1) My own internal "right-o-meter' trumps everything
    2) My parents, siblings, SO and anyone else who I love and respect: To the extent that it is compatible with (1), I act so as not to hurt them and to make them happy, and I value their advice but will filter it through my own decision making process
    3) People whose positive evaluation is necessary for me to achieve a goal I've chosen: I do what it takes to achieve that positive evaluation, provided it doesn't conflict with (1).
    4)Everyone else in the world: I try to be courteous and respectful and act so as not to harm them (even help when ever is possible). I will comply with any obligations (eg. work obligations) to them, to the best of my ability. What they think of me is immaterial.



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  3. #22
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    How about another dynamic, what about at work?

    Do you care what your workmates think about you? Your boss? Wont that affect your prospects of promotion if it is negative? Just adding a different angle
    [/b]
    Okay, again not caring doesn't mean you're coming late to work or behaving badly at work.

    I DON'T CARE WHAT CO-WORKERS THINK ABOUT ME IF THEY'RE FOCUSED ON STUPID PETTY ISHT. If, however, they have constructive criticism, I'm open to hearing it.

    You just have to outsmart people focused on the petty. I do it all the time. You can usually anticipate exactly what they'll do and how they'll react. Why? Because they are followers and all you have to do is look at what normal behavior is in a situation to see what will come your way. I WILL NOT MAKE TIME FOR SUCH STUPID BEHAVIOR TO IMPACT ME. I'm too busy living and enjoying my life. One big reason I'm the way I am is I don't want to be on my deathbed, looking back on my life and regretting what I should have done or said. Followers, however, are going to have a laundry list of things to cry about.

    No, it doesn't affect you negatively if you out think them. You see what they're plotting and just act first. Then you're the smart cookie to the boss and they're stupid. That's going on right now at my new job. I know who to butter up: the Koreans in charge, the head of my department and the other professors, and my Korean students. The foreigners have NO IMPACT on hiring and retention here (and that just kills them :lol: ). Usually, if a personality clash breaks out between foreigners, it's ignored and doesn't factor into rentention or promotion. However, it can work in your favor if the foreigner is so silly that they don't realize the Koreans don't like them either. If you play it right you can flip someone's powerplay on its head.

    To sum it up, even at work, I don't care. I pay attention to people who matter. I just find most don't.
    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it." - Chinese Proverb

    "Fall seven times a day, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

    “All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.” - African Proverb

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  5. #23
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    ^ I know exctly what you mean about small-minded people. I think I might scare people as well. I don't know why. Don't care either.

  6. #24
    chinani is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    What they said. :P But really I cosign what's been said already.

    I'm still a work in progress but I hope to find the appropriate balance between caring and not caring. Right now, I'm still a sensitive person and maybe too sensitive for my own good (I hate that phrase). I feel like I might care a bit too much about people and by that I mean the type of caring that leads to wondering about their judgements of me but is not limited to that. Yet, from what I've been told, people think I march to the beat of my own drum and even though that's true I still waste time anxious about what others think about it. I think the very difficult that most people don't talk about and most people don't deal with (maybe) is that sometimes you have to put your family on mute in order to be the person you want to be. That's not so easy b/c some people interpret your not caring about their guidelines/advice as you not caring about them.

  7. #25
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    both. you should be confident in who you are but i think its important to consider what others may think about you to keep yourself in check (and in many cases to keep you from getting beat :lol
    current stats: locked, shoulder length; started from loose napps past shoulders
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  8. #26
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    This subject greatly reminds me of my father and sister.

    1) I admire them so for not caring what others may think or have to say about them. But on the other hand,
    2) I think it may hinder them. My father is a real cool dude, who wears/acts/dresses how he pleases. The only problem being that he's a slob. I think that may have hindered him multiple times when he was applying for jobs, although being the genuine/hard-working/intelligent/all-around-people-person he is , he still managed to find one.


    So what I think it really comes to is the fact that people (unfortunately) are very visual creatures, and whether they like to admit it or not - they judge by appearances. So it helps to keep them up, but also not give a damn about what anyone else has to say. Just try to keep it at a nice medium.

    My problem is I care a little too much. I mean- I act crazy as hell in public, I could care less...but if someone at school were to say something about the clothes I wear or my shoes..yeah I'd care a little bit. But not enough to change how I dress for some insignificant person.




    HOWEVER - if I know I'm justified in what I'm doing, and I know (being the fly indivual I am) that if someone wants to call me and my fro a hot mess.

    F*** THEM.

    Last year I had dozens of people on my case about my fro. "Why you cut it?", "You're bald-headed know" All they did was talk $*it. But they're hella stupid, and I could care less what someone who 10 years from now won't even be in my life, has to say.

    Yup yup!
    [url="http://www.xanga.com/CrazyLikeMyDaddy/"]My personal/occasional hair journal[/url]
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  10. #27
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    Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.
    [/b]

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    Last CFC - Dec. 2006
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  11. #28
    dahabu is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    Everything said was soo good I had my people read it. I also agree with LBellatrix and what she said hit home.

  12. #29
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    I generally do not care what people think of me for the simple fact that I have learned a few things from experience:
    1. People are going to misjudge you no matter what
    2. People's thoughts about you are more often than not ignorant assumptions that they have made about you usually with very little info to back those thoughts
    3. The average person is unfair and hipocritical when viewing someone else
    4. People are often misperceived or misunderstood
    5. In this society there is a template that has been created as to what success is and there are norms set in society that if you don't go along with or fit into these you are usually viewed in a negative manner
    6. No man can judge me

    I used to be one of those people who felt I had to do certain things or act a certain way in the workplace in order to please my employer- but that was when I was still in a slavery mindset. I have found that usually if your employer is racist it doesn't matter how polite or how much you go above and beyond you still will not get that promotion that you deserve. I have found that sometimes people are just not good people and you don't have to do anything for them to fck with you. So this is my philosophy when it comes to the workplace- if minor infractions or differences in my personality can affect my success at work- rather than my performance, attitude and professionalism- then I don't want to work for an employer who thinks like that. You can keep those jobs. I want to work for someone who rewards hard work, positive attitudes and desire to succeed and not someone who is focused on anything other than that. I have been blessed to find an employer where I know that I am being evaluated on these factors and it feels so good to know that my boss is not shallow at all. I am professional and hard working because I want to be, not because I want to be perceived as that. I think we need to be more instrinsically motivated and have more internal motivations for our behavior rather then worrying what someone thinks. Hell if I cared that much I would go home and perm it up right? So we are all liberated in some form just by being naturals.

    I don't care what people think of me, I am who I am good or bad- take it or leave it.
    " In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

    -George Orwell

  13. #30
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    It's a matter of balance...other people's opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I've known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That's no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn't depend on the approval of others. At 43, I am over caring about who likes me or doesn't like me...how "popular" I am...whether anyone likes my taste in clothing or thinks I am pretty or not. I don't stress about whether or not people are talking about me behind my back...if they are, then they are petty, small people who don't matter in my life anyway. I don't care what anyone thinks about my decision to go natural, my taste in music, my committment to Christ. I know that some people consider me odd and different because of the way I talk and carry myself...that's okay. I know that my sense of humor is a little weird, and as long as I am not hurting anyone, I don't care who gets it. With maturity comes freedom from the need to please people.

    On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us. I know a woman who is extremely hard to be around because she doesn't respect other people's boundaries - in any way. She asks inappropriate questions, touches people inappropriately, invades body space, is way too clingy, monopolizes conversations, and in general is very obnoxious to be around. For that reason, most of her acquaintances avoid her...we don't include her in group outings, we don't pick up the phone when she calls, and we pretty much keep her at arm's length. It's just too difficult to be around her. Yet she doesn't change, despite the fact that many people have told her exactly why they don't enjoy her company. She tells us often that she doesn't care what anyone thinks. Okaaaaayy, fine. Then you should be fine inhabiting that lonely world you've created for yourself - stop bothering me!

    If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.
    [/b]
    I really liked what u had to say.
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