Is It Good To Not Care What People Think Of You?

[dahabu]

I hear Oprah say this alot that when you get to be over a certain age you stop caring what people think of you. That it is a sign of maturity. But dont we all care to some degree what people think of us and doesnt it matter because we have to live and interract with these people. I mean an Oprah might be able to afford to not care but regular folk depend on regular people and if your reputaion and honor is tarnished then it is hard to move ahead in life. So what do people mean when they say they do not care what people think or say about them and this realistic or even true?

[mydestiny]

To a certain point I think you have to ignore or at least put aside what others think of you, because if you don't you will tear yourself up with your preoccupation of what they theink of you. However, you also have to care or at least acknowledge what others may think of youa t times because if you just have this "eff it" attitude all the time, you would seem very pessimistic and negative.
I know the above was contradicting but it's a case-by-case basis. For instance, I don't give a darn what some of my co-workers, but I do care what my mother, brother, etc.. think of me.

[tjolims]

It's one thing to care about reputation and honor.

It's another to be so bound by other people's opinions that you never develop reputation and honor.

Personally, I could care less about my reputation(I know who I am) and honor is an internal matter expressed through my actual interactions with other people, not what they think of those interactions. So no, when I'm at my best, I don't care what people think of me. Ultimately, I don't answer to other people.

When I'm surrounded by shallow people, I do sometimes drink the Kool-Aid and get a little superficial, but I'm working to get over that.

I'm sure I sound like some kind of social anarchist, but hey...it works for me.

[Scribetastic]

I hear Oprah say this alot that when you get to be over a certain age you stop caring what people think of you. That it is a sign of maturity. But dont we all care to some degree what people think of us and doesnt it matter because we have to live and interract with these people. I mean an Oprah might be able to afford to not care but regular folk depend on regular people and if your reputaion and honor is tarnished then it is hard to move ahead in life. So what do people mean when they say they do not care what people think or say about them and this realistic or even true?
[/b]

Maybe it's something that does come with age, but I don't give a isht what people think about me.

That's not to say that because you don't care that you loose concern about your reputation and your honor. What she's saying is you can let the little crap slide. Also, she means that a lot of people when they're young fold to peer pressure and outside expectations a lot. She's not talking about getting older, breaking promises, coming in late to work and pimp slapping elderly people around.

For example, I've started a new job and, again, I'm dealing with an insecure or maybe stupid white man. He just has NO ideal how to talk to me. I think maybe he's just not dealt with black people or a black woman before. I do carry myself with confidence and I realize that can intimidate some people. I just don't care. Anyway, he rubs me the wrong way. One night all the teachers went to dinner and we were talking about wines. I mentioned that I was looking into traveling to the Okanagan Valley or Niagara Falls, Canada because both places have ice wine festivals in the winter. I also mentioned I used to bartend and had a friend who owned a wine import company. This is over dinner, so it's just in the course of conversation that you share stuff about your background with new coworkers.

Now if someone said that to me, I would assume that person knew their way around the world of wines and liquor a least enough to know where to buy stuff. This guy looked at me and informed me that I could get ice wine in Korea. I told him I knew that, but I was talking about traveling to do something fun: ski and enjoy nice wines. Now that might have been him trying to be helpful. Everytime I deal with him, he feels the need to inform me about something. I had my last conversation with him just yesterday. Something similar happened (no need for a play by play...you get the jist from that one story.) I haven't complained or talked about him to anyone since his first foot in mouth faux pas. I've just sized him up and I know his game. For here on, he's on ignore. But, again, if he says something stupid, as he usually does, I'm going to put him in his place...again. I don't care what he thinks, and I don't care to waste anymore time dealing with him. It's a new job, but we're both new and he's not going to be anywhere near the decision to renew my contract next year.

It's definitely realistic. Now I have people telling me I should get married. I'm rapidly approaching 40. Look, I'll get married when and if the right man comes along. In the meantime I tell everyone my very valid reasons for not putting a priority on marriage: one, I like my life as it is; two, I don't want to have to compromise right now; three, I like traveling and living abroad and I don't want to have to ask someone when I want to take a weekend trip to Tokyo; and, four, I'm just plain picky.


My mom raised me not to care what others thought, so I got a head start. I was also one to tell people to stuff it when they intrude or give unsolicted opinions about my life. I've made some unconventional choices. I'm not very patient with people who have chosen a more conventional life and seem to be intent on making others conform. (Not everyone is like this. I have some friends who love being married and I'm happy for them...but I do get judged.) The fact is that tonight I was on my way home and I was just plain happy. I was happy with my life. Happy with my choices and that literally radiates out of you when you hit that stage. I smile when I walk down the street. I'm nice to people just because. I'm there and I don't think I would be there if I'd wasted my time worrying about keeping up with the crowd.

It's not about not caring and acting a fool. Of course, I still care what people think of me to a certain degree. I want them to have a positive opinion of me. However, I won't let that desire outweigh my conscience or what I think is right, especially when it comes to how I live my life and the choices I make. It also means that most likely someone who is there isn't going to suffer fools much either. It's about not letting other people control you and what you do.

[JustAnotherNappyGirl]

It's a matter of balance...other people's opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I've known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That's no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn't depend on the approval of others. At 43, I am over caring about who likes me or doesn't like me...how "popular" I am...whether anyone likes my taste in clothing or thinks I am pretty or not. I don't stress about whether or not people are talking about me behind my back...if they are, then they are petty, small people who don't matter in my life anyway. I don't care what anyone thinks about my decision to go natural, my taste in music, my committment to Christ. I know that some people consider me odd and different because of the way I talk and carry myself...that's okay. I know that my sense of humor is a little weird, and as long as I am not hurting anyone, I don't care who gets it. With maturity comes freedom from the need to please people.

On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us. I know a woman who is extremely hard to be around because she doesn't respect other people's boundaries - in any way. She asks inappropriate questions, touches people inappropriately, invades body space, is way too clingy, monopolizes conversations, and in general is very obnoxious to be around. For that reason, most of her acquaintances avoid her...we don't include her in group outings, we don't pick up the phone when she calls, and we pretty much keep her at arm's length. It's just too difficult to be around her. Yet she doesn't change, despite the fact that many people have told her exactly why they don't enjoy her company. She tells us often that she doesn't care what anyone thinks. Okaaaaayy, fine. Then you should be fine inhabiting that lonely world you've created for yourself - stop bothering me!

If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.

[Scribetastic]

On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us.
...
If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.
[/b]

Well, I agree but also disagree with you here. I'm not trying to hijack the thread, but it's not worth creating a new one to make this point...I think ^_^

Most people might not see themselves. But I know I can rub people the wrong way, and I just don't care. Why? Not everyone you interact with is worth paying attention to. I agree that if it's an overwhelming majority cut from all the different kinds of people you deal with. But, right now, I think if you sat down all the white males that I deal with the majority of them would say I was pushy, aggressive and probably need to hold my tongue more. However, they wouldn't say that to a white male acting in the same way. I tend to carry myself with the same bravado and confidence that white guys have because that's how I'm most comfortable, believe it or not. It's how I was taught to be.

I thought about it when it was coming my way and realized who was saying it. Now it's my big middle finger waving in their general direction most of the time. That's because my Korean friends just don't see it that way.

I&#39;ve got an address book full of people and people are chasing me down to be friends with me. I just don&#39;t care about that group of people who are so easy to get offended. I don&#39;t want those people around me <_<

[JustAnotherNappyGirl]

Well, I agree but also disagree with you here. I&#39;m not trying to hijack the thread, but it&#39;s not worth creating a new one to make this point...I think ^_^

Most people might not see themselves. But I know I can rub people the wrong way, and I just don&#39;t care. Why? Not everyone you interact with is worth paying attention to. I agree that if it&#39;s an overwhelming majority cut from all the different kinds of people you deal with. But, right now, I think if you sat down all the white males that I deal with the majority of them would say I was pushy, aggressive and probably need to hold my tongue more. However, they wouldn&#39;t say that to a white male acting in the same way. I tend to carry myself with the same bravado and confidence that white guys have because that&#39;s how I&#39;m most comfortable, believe it or not. It&#39;s how I was taught to be.

I thought about it when it was coming my way and realized who was saying it. Now it&#39;s my big middle finger waving in their general direction most of the time. That&#39;s because my Korean friends just don&#39;t see it that way.

I&#39;ve got an address book full of people and people are chasing me down to be friends with me. I just don&#39;t care about that group of people who are so easy to get offended. I don&#39;t want those people around me <_<[/[/b]

I&#39;m not sure we are in disagreement at all...I didn&#39;t say take other people&#39;s feedback and accept it as gospel. I said use it to spark self-examination. There&#39;s a big difference. I think part of being mature is being able to accept criticism and evaluate it honestly. Is there any truth to it? Even if it is totally NOT true, is there something I am doing that makes it appear to be true? If so, maybe that&#39;s something to work on. If not, discard it for the junk it is! In your case, you evaluated the source of the criticism, the probable motive for it, and decided that it has no value. That&#39;s a valid response to criticism and much better than a knee-jerk "I&#39;m absolutely PERFECT and there is NOTHING about me that I can work on or improve, so I don&#39;t care what anyone says". To me, that kind of defensive reaction is immature and usually reflects deep insecurity. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are okay with the idea that you are not 100% perfect all the time, so you don&#39;t have to go ballistic when someone points out an area where you could be kinder or more considerate or more conscientious or [insert virtue here].

You know I actually think both ends of the spectrum - the jellyfish who tries to conform to everyone&#39;s demands, and the person who can&#39;t possibly conceive that they may be in the wrong - are both truly insecure. The person with a strong sense of identity and self-esteem can reject the majority view in favor of his/her own moral compass and refuse to conform. They can also honestly evaluate criticism and sometimes benefit from it.

[Scribetastic]

I&#39;m not sure we are in disagreement at all...I didn&#39;t say take other people&#39;s feedback and accept it as gospel. I said use it to spark self-examination. There&#39;s a big difference. I think part of being mature is being able to accept criticism and evaluate it honestly. Is there any truth to it? Even if it is totally NOT true, is there something I am doing that makes it appear to be true? If so, maybe that&#39;s something to work on. If not, discard it for the junk it is! In your case, you evaluated the source of the criticism, the probable motive for it, and decided that it has no value. That&#39;s a valid response to criticism and much better than a knee-jerk "I&#39;m absolutely PERFECT and there is NOTHING about me that I can work on or improve, so I don&#39;t care what anyone says". To me, that kind of defensive reaction is immature and usually reflects deep insecurity. If you have a healthy self-esteem, you are okay with the idea that you are not 100% perfect all the time, so you don&#39;t have to go ballistic when someone points out an area where you could be kinder or more considerate or more conscientious or [insert virtue here].

You know I actually think both ends of the spectrum - the jellyfish who tries to conform to everyone&#39;s demands, and the person who can&#39;t possibly conceive that they may be in the wrong - are both truly insecure. The person with a strong sense of identity and self-esteem can reject the majority view in favor of his/her own moral compass and refuse to conform. They can also honestly evaluate criticism and sometimes benefit from it.
[/b]

Yeah, when I posted it I figured we were just discussing different angles of the same issue. Also, I think it has a lot to do with demeanor. I was that smart kid who got teased a lot because I didn&#39;t follow. I&#39;m USED to being the outlier, so it&#39;s never bothered me when people try to get me to conform to petty isht. Because of that I grew a fierce independent streak. I doesn&#39;t help that I&#39;m also an only child ^_^

However, crticism or other perspectives do tend to get me to stop and look at what I&#39;m doing. It&#39;s just that there are broad categories of people I just don&#39;t waste my time listening to.

I&#39;m actually incredibly self-reflective, but I ignore people with short-sighted views. For example, there is another foreigner who I know just through being here awhile, knowing the same group of people and working together from time to time. He&#39;s ethnically Korean but he was adopted and raised by a while family and he&#39;s got that white hetrosexual male perspective on things. The funny thing is he&#39;s gay, and I usually click well with gay men.

However, he&#39;s put off by my candor. I just DON&#39;T take isht from people. I don&#39;t. Say something stupid to me, judge me or try to clown me in public and I will give you a verbal beat down that will leave you running everytime you see me. I KNOW THIS. I come hard at people just so if it happens, it&#39;s only going to happen once.

Anyway, this guy and I have never had a conflict. He&#39;s just witnessed me rip certain men to shreads. We were both leaving the subway station on Thursday. I ran into him and a classmate from school. I did the required "so-and-so meet so-and-so", explained how I knew both, so they could talk to each other and one of the first things he said and was how I don&#39;t take crap. I said, I don&#39;t but I&#39;m actually quite nice if you don&#39;t f%^k with me. I just won&#39;t suffer fools. He then said something like I don&#39;t suffer fools and will bludgeon them completely. :P He&#39;s right. I&#39;m sensitive to it, but he&#39;s right.

Will I change? Actually, I HAVE taken the spikes off the clubs I use to bludgeon people during a verbal attack. But he and I only see each other in passing, so his reference is literally 4 or so years ago. I can&#39;t worry about it. I like the guy. I know what his deal is. I&#39;m friendly when I see him because he&#39;s nice to me, but I just realize he&#39;s VERY sensitive to my candor.

[Drealinda05]

Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don&#39;t let it control you.
[/b]

ICAM

[scurrie]

It&#39;s a matter of balance...other people&#39;s opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I&#39;ve known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That&#39;s no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn&#39;t depend on the approval of others. At 43, I am over caring about who likes me or doesn&#39;t like me...how "popular" I am...whether anyone likes my taste in clothing or thinks I am pretty or not. I don&#39;t stress about whether or not people are talking about me behind my back...if they are, then they are petty, small people who don&#39;t matter in my life anyway. I don&#39;t care what anyone thinks about my decision to go natural, my taste in music, my committment to Christ. I know that some people consider me odd and different because of the way I talk and carry myself...that&#39;s okay. I know that my sense of humor is a little weird, and as long as I am not hurting anyone, I don&#39;t care who gets it. With maturity comes freedom from the need to please people.

On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn&#39;t always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people&#39;s lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man&#39;s ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can&#39;t see ourselves as others see us. I know a woman who is extremely hard to be around because she doesn&#39;t respect other people&#39;s boundaries - in any way. She asks inappropriate questions, touches people inappropriately, invades body space, is way too clingy, monopolizes conversations, and in general is very obnoxious to be around. For that reason, most of her acquaintances avoid her...we don&#39;t include her in group outings, we don&#39;t pick up the phone when she calls, and we pretty much keep her at arm&#39;s length. It&#39;s just too difficult to be around her. Yet she doesn&#39;t change, despite the fact that many people have told her exactly why they don&#39;t enjoy her company. She tells us often that she doesn&#39;t care what anyone thinks. Okaaaaayy, fine. Then you should be fine inhabiting that lonely world you&#39;ve created for yourself - stop bothering me!

If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don&#39;t let it control you.
[/b]

I really liked what u had to say.