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  1. #1
    dahabu is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    I hear Oprah say this alot that when you get to be over a certain age you stop caring what people think of you. That it is a sign of maturity. But dont we all care to some degree what people think of us and doesnt it matter because we have to live and interract with these people. I mean an Oprah might be able to afford to not care but regular folk depend on regular people and if your reputaion and honor is tarnished then it is hard to move ahead in life. So what do people mean when they say they do not care what people think or say about them and this realistic or even true?

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    To a certain point I think you have to ignore or at least put aside what others think of you, because if you don't you will tear yourself up with your preoccupation of what they theink of you. However, you also have to care or at least acknowledge what others may think of youa t times because if you just have this "eff it" attitude all the time, you would seem very pessimistic and negative.
    I know the above was contradicting but it's a case-by-case basis. For instance, I don't give a darn what some of my co-workers, but I do care what my mother, brother, etc.. think of me.

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    It's one thing to care about reputation and honor.

    It's another to be so bound by other people's opinions that you never develop reputation and honor.

    Personally, I could care less about my reputation(I know who I am) and honor is an internal matter expressed through my actual interactions with other people, not what they think of those interactions. So no, when I'm at my best, I don't care what people think of me. Ultimately, I don't answer to other people.

    When I'm surrounded by shallow people, I do sometimes drink the Kool-Aid and get a little superficial, but I'm working to get over that.

    I'm sure I sound like some kind of social anarchist, but hey...it works for me.

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    I hear Oprah say this alot that when you get to be over a certain age you stop caring what people think of you. That it is a sign of maturity. But dont we all care to some degree what people think of us and doesnt it matter because we have to live and interract with these people. I mean an Oprah might be able to afford to not care but regular folk depend on regular people and if your reputaion and honor is tarnished then it is hard to move ahead in life. So what do people mean when they say they do not care what people think or say about them and this realistic or even true?
    [/b]
    Maybe it's something that does come with age, but I don't give a isht what people think about me.

    That's not to say that because you don't care that you loose concern about your reputation and your honor. What she's saying is you can let the little crap slide. Also, she means that a lot of people when they're young fold to peer pressure and outside expectations a lot. She's not talking about getting older, breaking promises, coming in late to work and pimp slapping elderly people around.

    For example, I've started a new job and, again, I'm dealing with an insecure or maybe stupid white man. He just has NO ideal how to talk to me. I think maybe he's just not dealt with black people or a black woman before. I do carry myself with confidence and I realize that can intimidate some people. I just don't care. Anyway, he rubs me the wrong way. One night all the teachers went to dinner and we were talking about wines. I mentioned that I was looking into traveling to the Okanagan Valley or Niagara Falls, Canada because both places have ice wine festivals in the winter. I also mentioned I used to bartend and had a friend who owned a wine import company. This is over dinner, so it's just in the course of conversation that you share stuff about your background with new coworkers.

    Now if someone said that to me, I would assume that person knew their way around the world of wines and liquor a least enough to know where to buy stuff. This guy looked at me and informed me that I could get ice wine in Korea. I told him I knew that, but I was talking about traveling to do something fun: ski and enjoy nice wines. Now that might have been him trying to be helpful. Everytime I deal with him, he feels the need to inform me about something. I had my last conversation with him just yesterday. Something similar happened (no need for a play by play...you get the jist from that one story.) I haven't complained or talked about him to anyone since his first foot in mouth faux pas. I've just sized him up and I know his game. For here on, he's on ignore. But, again, if he says something stupid, as he usually does, I'm going to put him in his place...again. I don't care what he thinks, and I don't care to waste anymore time dealing with him. It's a new job, but we're both new and he's not going to be anywhere near the decision to renew my contract next year.

    It's definitely realistic. Now I have people telling me I should get married. I'm rapidly approaching 40. Look, I'll get married when and if the right man comes along. In the meantime I tell everyone my very valid reasons for not putting a priority on marriage: one, I like my life as it is; two, I don't want to have to compromise right now; three, I like traveling and living abroad and I don't want to have to ask someone when I want to take a weekend trip to Tokyo; and, four, I'm just plain picky.


    My mom raised me not to care what others thought, so I got a head start. I was also one to tell people to stuff it when they intrude or give unsolicted opinions about my life. I've made some unconventional choices. I'm not very patient with people who have chosen a more conventional life and seem to be intent on making others conform. (Not everyone is like this. I have some friends who love being married and I'm happy for them...but I do get judged.) The fact is that tonight I was on my way home and I was just plain happy. I was happy with my life. Happy with my choices and that literally radiates out of you when you hit that stage. I smile when I walk down the street. I'm nice to people just because. I'm there and I don't think I would be there if I'd wasted my time worrying about keeping up with the crowd.

    It's not about not caring and acting a fool. Of course, I still care what people think of me to a certain degree. I want them to have a positive opinion of me. However, I won't let that desire outweigh my conscience or what I think is right, especially when it comes to how I live my life and the choices I make. It also means that most likely someone who is there isn't going to suffer fools much either. It's about not letting other people control you and what you do.
    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it." - Chinese Proverb

    "Fall seven times a day, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

    “All truth is good, but not all truth is good to say.” - African Proverb

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    It's a matter of balance...other people's opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I've known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That's no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn't depend on the approval of others. At 43, I am over caring about who likes me or doesn't like me...how "popular" I am...whether anyone likes my taste in clothing or thinks I am pretty or not. I don't stress about whether or not people are talking about me behind my back...if they are, then they are petty, small people who don't matter in my life anyway. I don't care what anyone thinks about my decision to go natural, my taste in music, my committment to Christ. I know that some people consider me odd and different because of the way I talk and carry myself...that's okay. I know that my sense of humor is a little weird, and as long as I am not hurting anyone, I don't care who gets it. With maturity comes freedom from the need to please people.

    On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us. I know a woman who is extremely hard to be around because she doesn't respect other people's boundaries - in any way. She asks inappropriate questions, touches people inappropriately, invades body space, is way too clingy, monopolizes conversations, and in general is very obnoxious to be around. For that reason, most of her acquaintances avoid her...we don't include her in group outings, we don't pick up the phone when she calls, and we pretty much keep her at arm's length. It's just too difficult to be around her. Yet she doesn't change, despite the fact that many people have told her exactly why they don't enjoy her company. She tells us often that she doesn't care what anyone thinks. Okaaaaayy, fine. Then you should be fine inhabiting that lonely world you've created for yourself - stop bothering me!

    If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.
    Challenge Yourself.
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    my thing is, i'm always true to myself, i always speak what's on my mind (when appropriate), i always seek to imporove and i always give 100% to what it is i'm doing. i've pretty much always been that way and ive never felt the need to join any type of group or clique especially one where i'd have to compromise me being me.. atthe ed of the da, that's all you have

    people can either take it or leave it but it's not going to bother me if they'd rather leave it. that just means that particular person or opportunity isnt right for me

  7. #7
    eclecticsoul Guest

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    Originally posted by dahabu @ Apr 6 2007@ 09:58 PM
    So what do people mean when they say they do not care what people think or say about them and this realistic or even true?
    I'm comfortable in whom/what I am and live my life according to my whims/dictates; what is best for me. I live righteously and harm none; all is well with my soul.

    It's very simple for me; if something would cause me to act other than my true self (personally or professionally) I remove it/self from the equation. I won't compromise who I am to fit some prototype/perception of who/what other's think.

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    There's a balance to be struck in everything.

    People whose connection to society and those around them is too weak tend to be ill-mannered liabilities whose behavior is often immoral.

    Those who put too much stock in what others say are spineless and often have low self-esteem.

    Between these two extremes is a middle ground and common sense will help us all find where that is for ourselves.

  9. #9
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    It's a matter of balance...other people's opinions should never be your primary source of security, self-esteem, or motivation in life. I've known people who were so driven by the need to please other people that they were human chameleons - their personality, morals, conversation, style, and behavior changed from hour to hour, depending on the preferences of the people around them at any given time. That's no way to live. Each of us should have something that anchors us and gives us integrity, that doesn't depend on the approval of others. At 43, I am over caring about who likes me or doesn't like me...how "popular" I am...whether anyone likes my taste in clothing or thinks I am pretty or not. I don't stress about whether or not people are talking about me behind my back...if they are, then they are petty, small people who don't matter in my life anyway. I don't care what anyone thinks about my decision to go natural, my taste in music, my committment to Christ. I know that some people consider me odd and different because of the way I talk and carry myself...that's okay. I know that my sense of humor is a little weird, and as long as I am not hurting anyone, I don't care who gets it. With maturity comes freedom from the need to please people.

    On the other hand, it is wise to pay attention to the feedback we get from those we interact with, because how we see ourselves isn't always a true reflection of the effect we are having on others. Have you ever known someone who was like a human wrecking ball...bashing through people's lives and leaving destruction and devastation in their wake...and yet they consider themselves to be kind and good? There is a Bible verse that says "Every man's ways are right in his own eyes..." In other words, we all think we are great people who do the right thing most of the time. But we can't see ourselves as others see us. I know a woman who is extremely hard to be around because she doesn't respect other people's boundaries - in any way. She asks inappropriate questions, touches people inappropriately, invades body space, is way too clingy, monopolizes conversations, and in general is very obnoxious to be around. For that reason, most of her acquaintances avoid her...we don't include her in group outings, we don't pick up the phone when she calls, and we pretty much keep her at arm's length. It's just too difficult to be around her. Yet she doesn't change, despite the fact that many people have told her exactly why they don't enjoy her company. She tells us often that she doesn't care what anyone thinks. Okaaaaayy, fine. Then you should be fine inhabiting that lonely world you've created for yourself - stop bothering me!

    If everyone you know is telling you that you are rude, or insensitive, or cut-throat, or lazy, or dishonest, or [enter character flaw here]...then it would be wise to do some self-examination to explore what you are doing to create that impression. Use feedback from others to spark self-reflection, but don't let it control you.[/b]
    I agree totally with the above and some of what the other ladies have shared.

    It is hard though to drop that internal worry of what others think of you especially as a woman. We are brought up to mind our manners as girls, mind our morals as teenagers and young adults and mind our families as women. We carry alot of buggage. From when we are young we worry about what daddy thinks of us, whether mummy is happy with us, do the boys like me, am I 'in' with my girlfriends, what does my husband think of me, do my kids think I am a good enough mother, did I make the right choice in my career or staying at home with the babies etc

    I remember growing up we had to 'act right' all the time especially when out in public because you carried the family name and anything you did represented your whole family. I guess you just learn to strike the balance or move away from home.

  10. #10
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    I mean this with every fiber of my being...I truly only care about what those who are close to me think of me. Friends and family. Everyone else I just give the middle finger. I need to be happy and I can't do that if I'm concerned with others ideas of/about me. I've been like that most of my life even when I was pretty young. My family used to trip because I was :rolleyes: when people outside my circle made judgements or gave opinions. Life is really too short for such nonsense
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