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  1. #21
    neveah is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    The guy I'm dating is against living together before marriage. He feels that people handle problems differently. If your not married, the problems are viewed in the light of "see, this is why we need more time to figure it out/wait to get married/etc. When you're married, he believes the problems are viewed as something both parties are committed to solving. solving problems makes the marriage stronger rather than another excuse for the marriage not to happen.
    [/b]
    ITA

    Many people want to shack up because they get the benefits of marriage and they don't have to committment. I believe Dr. Phil or Dr. Robin(I can't remember which therapist it was) said that many people that live together before they get married just want to have fun and enjoy playing house. If they do get married, most of them get divorced because they don't want to work hard in order to make the marriage work. The statistics show that the divorce rate for people that live together is higher than the divorce rate for people that did not live together before they got married.
    I also agree with one of the previous posters. Many people lie because they don't want to get married to the person that they are currently involved with. Stop making up lies about how your relationship is so strong and sacred that you don't have to prove it to anyone. If that were true, then you would've married your partner a long time ago.

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  3. #22
    aeburo is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    I don't believe in living together prior to marriage. The thought of combining funds with a man I'm not married to makes me shudder.

    If people are going to live together without the protection of marriage, they should at least have a cohabitation agreement to cover themselves.
    "Good hair is hair that do its job which is to keep your head warm." -Tiffany Turner (Washington Post)

  4. #23
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    The guy I'm dating is against living together before marriage. He feels that people handle problems differently. If your not married, the problems are viewed in the light of "see, this is why we need more time to figure it out/wait to get married/etc. When you're married, he believes the problems are viewed as something both parties are committed to solving. solving problems makes the marriage stronger rather than another excuse for the marriage not to happen.
    [/b]
    ^^^ This is soooo true!

    I remember that this subject used be discussed often on this board few years ago and I was one of the ones who always defended living together with no prospects of being married.And I was married at that time. After growing a little older, seeing some of my sistahs go through so much, I am not so liberal anymore, especially with the black community being in such a state these days, we need to be working on building strong black families if we ever want to prosper as a people. The whole idea of shacking up makes it so easy for people to just walk out when the going gets tough, and in most cases it’s my sistahs who get the short end of the stick. Marriage is steadily declining in the black community but we are still having just as many babies.. something is wrong with that picture. If live with another man, he will have to be my fiancé (with a date set) at the very least.

    Now don’t get me wrong, marriage may not be the best choice for everyone. I know of certain instances where marriage was not beneficial at the time. For example I have a friend who was getting some types of grants for school for single mothers, she and her husband lived together until she finished school and then got married afterward. I think people like Jay and Beyonce are in a different category than most of us. If Jay- Z died today, Beyonce wouldn't really experience any financial hardships because of it. Beyonce is not depending on Jay-Z’s retirement fund to survive when she gets older. In their case, marriage may even be more complicated, simply because of their wealth. I think this is why Oprah didn’t get married. I’m not saying that billionaires shouldn’t get married, but I do understand why they would not.





    ^ This is my happy place

  5. #24
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    just the phrase "living together" implies something less promising or hopeful. it implies that you don't expect to have longevity in the relationship.

    living together renders the notion of merely existing in the same space together. you are together in the sense that you are sharing the same household, but you are not growing together. what i mean by that is that there's always the idea that you are each separate and can part at any time with no obligation to each other beyond that. how can a couple hope to progress with thinking like that? every financial undertaking is a reminder that this is mine, that is yours. you aren't as likely to make big sacrifices for a boyfriend like relocating states away or across the globe with him because of his career. or you wanting to move your sick mother or grandparent into your home may be a dealbreaker for your boyfriend who won't want to be bothered with the committment that it would entail.

    with marriage, people are doing more than just coexisting. they are building a relationship that is usually spiritual in its foundation and involves more than just themselves. there is a psychology behind that certificate and a spiritual obligation behind those vows that makes marriage a different kind of living arrangement, whether it's long-lasting or not.
    [/b]
    This might be a cultural difference and although I respect your point of view I completely disagree. Marriage may seem more promising to many but from what I saw it's no garrentee and a lot of pressure. I for one would have never gotten married if we hadn't lived together first. I don't care how much you date or how long you know each other sharing one space really teaches you about yourself and the other person which is wat you need to grow. As a person and as a couple. If it doesn't work, I'd rather we each go our own way than go through a divorce.

    I tend to work the other way. My parents were married 35 years. The best marriage I've ever seen. To me it was perfect. No they didn't live together before getting married. They were old school but their marriage taught me the importance of a relationship. I will always think of them as a lovely couple who could laugh, dance and do whatever together. The total cost of my wedding was about $500 but if I can make 20 or even 30 years I am willing to spend what people spend today just to buy a dress, walk the ile and get started.


  6. #25
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    This might be a cultural difference and although I respect your point of view I completely disagree. Marriage may seem more promising to many but from what I saw it's no garrentee and a lot of pressure. I for one would have never gotten married if we hadn't lived together first. I don't care how much you date or how long you know each other sharing one space really teaches you about yourself and the other person which is wat you need to grow. As a person and as a couple. If it doesn't work, I'd rather we each go our own way than go through a divorce.
    [/b]
    Im in agreement with your post sista. I have never lived with a man, but wouldn't object to it if we were serious about having a long term committment. Living with someone doesn't mean you aren't committed to the relationship. We have to attempt to look outside our own lenses sometimes and realize that what may be best for us, isn't best for everyone. Diverse people, different values. Different strokes for different folks. I can't judge people who don't want to get married and prefer living together. I know a few couples personally who have lived together oveer 10 years and they are fine with that, I wouldn't be, but hey I don't have to live their lives I also know people who got married and divorced within a few years, some even less than a year, and they had been a couple for 5 years. So marriage isn't a guarantee that your relationship will work, it just isn't. If it was, divorce rates wouldn't be so friggin high right now. Everyone isn't into marriage, nor do I think they should be forced into it because other people feel they "should" get married. Although for me personally, I want to get married and if I do every make the decision to live with my fiance before we get married, it will be no longer than one year cause after that, I think folks will start getting too comfortable. But that is my opinion and how I want my situation to be and I don't expect others to automatically want that for themselves too simply because I do. But I agree with the sista in that nurturing the relationship is most important, regardless of how you personally choose to go about doing that.
    ~The Secret to Life is to Live It! Think, Speak and Be who you are meant to be!~

  7. #26
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    Seperating after you've lived together for X number of years isn't as cut and dry as some like to believe. It can get as ugly as a divorce when it comes to separating assets and parental custody if children are involved.

    You might have thought you were only sipping on the milk, but unbeknownst to the both of you, the cow was already bought, paid off, and sitting in your living room the entire time.

  8. #27
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    Me and my hubby were living together maybe a little less than a year before we got married. We would have been married MUCH sooner but I was kinda nervous and put off about my whole life changing when we spoke those vows etc. :rolleyes:

    We did the same things the day before we got married as we did after.

    <div align="center">What really changes after marriage???

    Your Name. :mellow:
    </div>

    If you are already in love and connected, the marriage doesn&#39;t change a thing. You will grow as a couple reguardless. That is given that you both have it in your mind to get married in the first place.

    But at the same time, I would not reccommend this to anyone just because it worked out for us. I agree with what some of the other posters said. Living together a lot of times lets one partner or the other put off the idea of getting married. You move in one day and then you look up you&#39;re still "cohabitating" years later. Then you&#39;re sitting with someone who may have made it up in thier mind that they don&#39;t want to get married (yet they are totally happy living with you :rolleyes and you&#39;re not really free to find someone else.

    If I was asked about this, or had to do it all over again, I wouldn&#39;t move in with someone before we got married. Scrills&#39; SO has it right. Problems before hand become excuses for a marriage not to happen.
    Nappy Since December 03.

  9. #28
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    This might be a cultural difference and although I respect your point of view I completely disagree. Marriage may seem more promising to many but from what I saw it&#39;s no garrentee and a lot of pressure. I for one would have never gotten married if we hadn&#39;t lived together first. I don&#39;t care how much you date or how long you know each other sharing one space really teaches you about yourself and the other person which is wat you need to grow. As a person and as a couple. If it doesn&#39;t work, I&#39;d rather we each go our own way than go through a divorce.

    I tend to work the other way. My parents were married 35 years. The best marriage I&#39;ve ever seen. To me it was perfect. No they didn&#39;t live together before getting married. They were old school but their marriage taught me the importance of a relationship. I will always think of them as a lovely couple who could laugh, dance and do whatever together. The total cost of my wedding was about $500 but if I can make 20 or even 30 years I am willing to spend what people spend today just to buy a dress, walk the ile and get started.
    [/b]

    the part in bold is exactly the difference i was explaining in my previous post. when you are living together, you are thinking of your relationship as a test drive. you always know that if you don&#39;t like who you are with, you can quit at any time and continue on your individual paths. when you enter a living arrangement like this, you aren&#39;t totally committed from the start because your mindset is "temp with the possibility to become permanent" and not "perm" from the start.

    in marriage, the idea is that you don&#39;t expect that things will always work out. and the parties don&#39;t expect to bail at the first or even the 15th sign that things aren&#39;t going smoothly.

    it&#39;s not possible for me to discuss this without mentioning my spirituality. the foundation for my marriage is based on our spiritual relationship with God. and the major part of that relationship is our faith. and while we use our common sense and responsible judgement that God gave us, we still rely on God to guide us through our relationship, the good and the difficult times. no amount of planning and preparation on our part will guarantee a good outcome because we know that our deeds alone mean little without our faith in God.
    I felt so bad, but so deliciously satisfied. --gigglezk

    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you&#39;re a mile away and you have their shoes. -- unknown

    I asked, "What is Kemi Oyl?" and she replied, "Kemi Oyl." Then I asked, "What is a Kemi?" She read the bottle, then said she didn&#39;t know. "Maybe a plant."
    --Drizzle

  10. #29
    Deljah is offline Active Nappturality Member
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    Marriage in the black community is on the decline for various reasons. I am always confused though at the double speak often when it comes to marriage and living together debates/discussions. Someone brought up on another thread on Oprah that she used to talk about getting married for so long and was even engaged at one point but all of a sudden is now a champion for Living together and never getting married. When did she suddenly change her mind and what changed this? It seems to me sometimes that some people suddenly change their desire to marry or not get married depending on their partner&#39;s wishes. We all know how far many would go to keep a man or woman because good partners are hard to find and depending on where you in life the urgency to start a family can really make you compromise some of your personal beliefs.

    Anyway, so for those who have done both, that is lived together AND gotten married, what changes after marriage?
    Does the paper really change things because there is always talk of the marriage certificate being just a paper and folk not needing the state or the church to validate their relationship?
    For those who never lived together what were your other reasons apart from religious ones?
    [/b]

    I&#39;ve done both. My husband and I lived together for almost a year before we got married. It was never my intention to live with someone before I married him; it was not ideal to me. However, circumstances and my decision to live together lead to it.

    I will also say that before we "officially" lived together, we were together just about every night anyway. There was just another residence that was solely being used as storage. :lol: I find that some people justify themselves this way. "Suzy" and her boyfriend spend every night together, eat together, sleep together, etc. but because one of them is still paying for another residence (that isn&#39;t being used), it&#39;s okay and somehow better than if that other residence was actually let go. Form over substance anyone?

    Anyway, our relationship itself is exactly the same as it was before we got married. We got engaged a few months after moving in together. We were committed before we got married. We were growing together before we got married. There wouldn&#39;t have been any living together otherwise. All co-habitations aren&#39;t just test drives or not wanting to buy the cow, yadda yadda ya. Some are, some aren&#39;t.

    I do feel different now that we&#39;re married. I feel that the church and state, and our family and friends by being witnesses at our wedding, have all joined us in our commitment, whereas before it was just us two. I feel that our marriage gets a lot of social and cultural support for that reason.

    I come from a very strong Christian background, and I believe in "keeping folks out of my business", so I was very discreet about the fact that we lived together. So, it seems a bit odd that now, all of a sudden, it&#39;s okay that we&#39;re living together, that we&#39;re having sex and all that, whereas before it so-called was not. To be all open about it now feels very different, and I feel kind of silly that I was even concerned about what people might have said before we got married. :blush:

    I do feel more responsible for him than I did before. As someone else said, my husband is now my beneficiary rather than my mom, so I feel that mom has been put in her place to an extent. I also feel like I have a family of my own now, instead of just being someone&#39;s aunt, sister or daughter.

    Our bond is stronger and growing everyday. Marriage has been a benefit for us. I feel that we are building something really lasting together. Clearly, I believe in marriage. However, I&#39;m not going to poo-poo or judge those who co-habititate (&#39;specially since I did it :lol: ), nor will I assert that co-habitating couples are not committed. There are pros and cons to both being married and to living together. As with anything, the results depend on those involved.

  11. #30
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    Anyway, so for those who have done both, that is lived together AND gotten married, what changes after marriage?
    Does the paper really change things because there is always talk of the marriage certificate being just a paper and folk not needing the state or the church to validate their relationship?
    For those who never lived together what were your other reasons apart from religious ones?
    [/b]
    I&#39;ve never shacked up before.
    I could just see me pissing him off and getting tossed out the house! :lol:
    The only thing that changed after marriage was other people&#39;s perception of me.


    I alot of girls I grew up with choose to shack up instead of marry because their gov. benefits would get cut off.
    :)

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