Back to work: lukewarm to rude co-worker

**Scribetastic** · 09-16-2013, 05:20 PM

This more of me just getting it off my chest than anything. I realized that going back to a company would mean that I'd have to deal with personalities. I've been at my new job for a week and a half. And pretty much from day one I've gotten the cold shoulder from the one person who'd be my peer. Basically, my immediate supervisor is building out our team. My peer got hired maybe a week or two ahead of me. I got hired next. I know I got my in-person interview due to a very strong recommendation from a friend who knows my immediate supervisor, but that's how these things go. I nailed the interview and got an offer maybe a week and half later. Yeah!

Anyway, our department is being staffed now. Initially, all new hires come in on a contract that after a few months will either end, be renewed, or they'll get a formal offer of employment. A start-up needs to have flexibility. I know this and it's a good way to check the fit on my end too. So this girl and I are in the same boat on the same team. Our job functions overlap but are distinct. My immediate supervisor has already told me where she's most likely to place me on the team, but these first couple of weeks is just me getting used to the lay of the land and we'll kick into high gear next week. All seems to be going well with my performance so far, so I don't have any worries there.

This co-worker is either cold, which I don't believe, or she's just cold to me, which is more likely. The reason I don't believe it is she started with these inside sort of jokes with my immediate supervisor, and she'll do it in such a way that she'll try to talk over my head. Instead of saying "hey, we've got this new class coming up and <fill in the blank with details>". She'll just act like I'm not there. I'm not new to Mean Girl behavior, so I just ignore it. I've just been be nice to her: kill her with kindness, say "hi" and "bye", but keep my distance. Like she really didn't know what to do with herself when I made a vain attempt at small talk last Friday and I asked her what her plans for the weekend were. I also make a point of saying "hi" when I come in and "have a good evening" when I live. I come in this morning and other people said "hi" to me. I saw her said "hi" and she kept talking like I wasn't in the room. (Our immediate supervisor and head of our department are both out of town for most of this week, so it's going to get interesting.) It's immature and just stupid as I'm the second addition on the team but more are coming. I just wonder if she plans on being this rude to everyone else?

**LuvJones** · 09-16-2013, 07:23 PM

Sounds like she cutting off her nose to spite her face. If you show people you can't at LEAST be civil to folks, you can find yourself out on the street. Folks think they are slick but people pick up on silliness and pettiness pretty quick. It's detrimental ESPECIALLY when folks are trying to BUILD a team. They want the team to gel.

You're doing the right thing and if she does it to others someone is going to shine the light on her.

**Vavoon** · 09-16-2013, 08:50 PM

i'm kinda dealing with the same kinda funky attitude from this one lady. so glad i work autonomously. some people are just so darn miserable. sad!

**GalaxyGirl2012** · 09-17-2013, 07:00 AM

this sounds like me to my new coworker and i'm the funky attitude

i'm not unprofessional, but i'm not out of way super friendly with her either. not interested in doing happy hour with her, not interested in walking with her to get coffee, not interested in asking her about her weekend or telling her about mine, or grabbing lunch with her. not interested in hearing any of her jokes or having any type of non work related conversation beyond hi, bye and have a good weekend.

nothing wrong with that, not everyone is going to get along with on a friendship level as long as people can still get their work done, who cares? some people take immediate dislike to others for whatever reason and some people have a harder time faking like than others.

not sure if being nicey nice will be that helpful either. my coworker tried that with me which ended up with me putting her even more ignore since she came off as being even more fake.

but good luck i guess. if it's not impacting you doing your job i'd personally just brush it off.

**Onnica** · 09-17-2013, 07:25 AM

Hi. It could be a jealously issue. Once I try to make peace and feel confident that God is pleased with the efforts I made I am able to peacefully let it go. I would continue to say hi for the sake of professionalism and looking like a team player for the good of the company. That's not hypocritical that is self preservation because you are part of a team and have to work as a team. You need to look the best you can in front of those that can affect your future. Do not be rude but she is a nonfactor.She may come around she may not.Don't let her change who you are.Too many things to concern ourselves with then to waste energy on small minded rudeness. If you believe in the power of prayer pray for her behind her back.(LOL) It works wonders. Been there done that. Blessings.

**NaturalDiva03** · 09-17-2013, 12:45 PM

Sounds like a subordinate soldier that I'm dealing with right now....

I went on leave July 18th prior to that I picked up this new soldier (about 7 months in the Army) got her squared away in her room took her shopping for a few things. Everything's good. A few days later I go on leave I come back exactly 30 days later and I noticed her attitude has changed I asked her a few questions about things that happened while I was on leave she acts as if it pains her to answer...I brushed it off.... Mind you I'm her supervisor. So this goes on for a few days while I'm pulling duty she comes downstairs with cutoff shorts I instructed her to go upstairs and change while going back to her room I heard her huffing and puffing so I followed her and asked if she had a problem with my last command? She says no. We both know she's lying. A week later another NCO (supervisor) comes to me and says that the soldier was bad mouthing about me to another soldier out loud in a public forum where NCOs were present. So myself and my supervisor confront this soldier she basically denies everything (obvious).

So basically I treat her now the same way she tried to do me. If I don't have to speak to her or take "care" of her I don't. Plain and simple. You can't expect people to treat you the way that you treat them some people are just anti social and some just have nasty attitudes and then you have some who just plain do.not.like.you. Or are intimidated and maybe jealous of you. Do you think she's upset because you were referred for the postion you blew the interview out of the water and got the job? IMO I wouldn't go out of my way to speak to her anymore she's already proven that she doesn't want to deal with you. Anything that goes outside the spectrum of work I wouldn't discuss it with her

**Scribetastic** · 09-17-2013, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by LuvJones

Sounds like she cutting off her nose to spite her face. If you show people you can't at LEAST be civil to folks, you can find yourself out on the street. Folks think they are slick but people pick up on silliness and pettiness pretty quick. It's detrimental ESPECIALLY when folks are trying to BUILD a team. They want the team to gel.

You're doing the right thing and if she does it to others someone is going to shine the light on her.

To the bold, I agree. I'm not new at this, so, yeah, I know to just keep it moving and keep it to "hi" and "bye" with her.

Originally Posted by GalaxyGirl2012

not sure if being nicey nice will be that helpful either. my coworker tried that with me which ended up with me putting her even more ignore since she came off as being even more fake.

but good luck i guess. if it's not impacting you doing your job i'd personally just brush it off.

Last Friday I was trying to make small talk. Context matters here. We were all called down to the kitchen, and there was cake and ice cream to celebrate a few recent birthdays. We were figuratively trapped in that room because the receptionist had summoned everyone who was still in the office. I was already talking with two guys, one from my department and another from another department, and all was good. She came up to us, so rather than talk past her, which is exactly what she would have done to me, I acknowledged her.

I'm definitely not running up to her and trying to chit-chat. I've been around the block enough to know that nuzzling my nose in anyone's a$$ isn't the best approach.

I'm amused because it's been such a long time since I've had to deal with this sort of silliness.

NP is one of the places where I can share freely.

Originally Posted by NaturalDiva03

IMO I wouldn't go out of my way to speak to her anymore she's already proven that she doesn't want to deal with you. Anything that goes outside the spectrum of work I wouldn't discuss it with her

Wow. First, the woman you talked about sounds outright retarded as you're not her peer. I'd keep my opinions to myself if I were a new solider.

I think folks have taken the Friday small talk example as something I try with my co-worker all the time. That was a one off thing. At that point, I'd been there a few days, and it was a fun litmus test.

I have no idea what she knows about who I know and how I got in. That should really be confidential anyway.

As of yesterday where I said "hi", was ignored and she didn't speak to me once all day long, the lines are drawn. She can go f$%k herself. All she gets from me is "hi", "bye", and discussions regarding work.

**Vavoon** · 09-17-2013, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by GalaxyGirl2012

this sounds like me to my new coworker and i'm the funky attitude

i'm not unprofessional, but i'm not out of way super friendly with her either. not interested in doing happy hour with her, not interested in walking with her to get coffee, not interested in asking her about her weekend or telling her about mine, or grabbing lunch with her. not interested in hearing any of her jokes or having any type of non work related conversation beyond hi, bye and have a good weekend.

nothing wrong with that, not everyone is going to get along with on a friendship level as long as people can still get their work done, who cares? some people take immediate dislike to others for whatever reason and some people have a harder time faking like than others.

not sure if being nicey nice will be that helpful either. my coworker tried that with me which ended up with me putting her even more ignore since she came off as being even more fake.

but good luck i guess. if it's not impacting you doing your job i'd personally just brush it off.

i don't think being nice means you're fake - maybe it's more about opposing energies clashing. people in the workplace can be very weird - one day they're nice and the next day they are dismissive. i think the worst type of people to deal with are those mean-girl types. they are very dismissive for no reason. i get that not everyone wants to be your friend, but these types seem to go out of their way to be rude. once i pick up on this energy type i keep my distance.

**Kurliez** · 09-17-2013, 03:49 PM

Yeah, I've dealt with those stank attitudes before. Long ago, I would have tried to reach out to her, but these days I wouldn't talk to her unless it was strictly about business. I will only say hi and goodbye in the hallways, if people are present, if I every bumped into her regardless if she'll speak to me or not. I guess just keep being a good worker (and a good person in general), and don't let those petty people put you down.

**GalaxyGirl2012** · 09-18-2013, 12:05 AM

another thing to keep in mind is that you live in the bay area.. there are a SH*T load of people here with social issues and who just dont know how to talk to people.

i don't think being nice means you're fake - maybe it's more about opposing energies clashing.

true. it seems everyone has a different definition of "nice". i also find that the definitions and expectations and are dependent on gender as well. Females seem to be held to a different standard of niceness and rudeness than are males. For instance whenever I hear instances of women complaining about other women being rude and not nice towards another woman in the workplace, it's usually related to one of them trying to build a relationship beyond workplace conversation. guys on the other hand, at least from what i've noticed, seem to be perfectly OK with not having to make small talk or act friendly towards other guys, and they aren't called jealous, mean, unfriendly, etc either.

granted i think a lot of this has to do with how women are socialized into becoming consensus and community builders so many of us have internalized a different standard of nice than what should happen organically.